This one time I took a pant-load of acid in a bar. Things started out slow; from the corner of my eye I caught a swirling pattern of white lights. Soon things progressed to a frightening dance of rolling, cycling, head-twisting mania, but I knew I was going to be okay as long as I had a glass of water in my hand. I was standing at the fire escape contemplating the line of ants with tiny angel wings marching around the doorframe when a beautiful woman asked if she could buy me a drink.
"Oh, honey," I said, and I set a sweaty palm on her shoulder. "I'm already assed-up enough. How about a glass of water?"
We followed the floating stewardesses that marked the path to the bar. A tall glass of water was set in front of me, and I looked into it to see that the ice was changing to marbles and back again. I thanked the bartender and the woman who offered me the drink, and I tipped it back to take a swig. What I got was a mouthful of gin and ice that spilled out from the glass around my mouth and dumped down my shirt.
I wiped my mouth and brushed at the little damp spots on my chest, and I realized my upper lip was wet again. I touched it and felt a drop. I felt another one on my forehead.
"Jesus," I said to the blonde lady who got me the gin. "It's raining in here."
"I'm sorry," she said and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know..."
"Never mind," I told her. "I'm going to find an umbrella."
Across the dance floor I spotted a group of umbrellas. After I climbed up some steps, I was above the umbrellas and I was wiping the water off of them. One of the umbrellas had a television built into the top of it, and I wondered how its small wire frame could hold such a thing. I wiped at the screen and got as much of the water off the top of it as I could.
The TV turned up and faced me. It was a bald man's head, and through a scowl he said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" That part was real. I didn't imagine it.
"Nothing," I said, and I took a drink from the glass of water I'd been sprinkling on him.
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, April 20
WB 9:00 p.m. You know what I could use more of? Bigfoot. What I want to know is how are little Bigfeet made? You know what I mean. Mmm...hairy.
The Ultimate Fighter
SPIKE 10:00 p.m. I like Ultimate Fighter three more times than little white girls like Christmas.
Friday, April 21
Six Feet Under
HBO2 8:00 p.m. I want to meet Princess Diana. Like in one of those magical fairy-tale questions, "Who would you rather have sushi with, Gandhi or Abe Lincoln?" I'd choose pedicures with Lady Di, and while we were getting our tootsies tickled, I'd reach over and touch her nose and go, "Beep!" Because, y'know, how many people have ever honked a princess on the nose?
Saturday, April 22
Inside This Old House
AETV 10:00 a.m. Where do homeless people masturbate?
California's Golden Parks
KPBS 5:30 p.m. Some days I thank God I was born in California. I could've been born an Eskimo and spent my life crotch-deep in snow, working at the pie factory, sandwiching ice cream between two chocolate wafers.
Sunday, April 23
Date My Mom
MTV 6:30 p.m. Here's a dating tip I had to learn the hard way: keep your cake hole shut. If you go in for the first kiss and actually get it, don't pull back and in a shocked tone exclaim, "Grandma?!" You won't get extra points for being funny.
Monday, April 24
FX 1:30 p.m. All I'm saying, Officer, is if she didn't want to see a grown man naked, she shouldn't have been on a secluded jogging trail in the park and looked directly into my opened trench coat. I'm the one who's been violated here.
Tuesday, April 25
NBC 9:30 p.m. This show's so stupid I had to wear a helmet the day after I watched it.
Wednesday, April 26
Nick Lachey Special
MTV 11:00 p.m. Ladies, you have something and we want it. You can keep us restrained for a while, mollify us with beer, pizza, and sports programs, but eventually we'll get that look in our eye, that wild-man need. If it comes down to it we'll demand you hand over the apricot face scrub. That stuff's like a little tub of magic for our skin!
Thursday, April 27
Everybody Loves Raymond
WB 11:30 p.m. There's quite a bit of anxiety associated with using a public restroom. Will the lock break free if someone jiggles the handle while I'm in here? Should I apologize to everyone in line behind me? These are the questions that the writers of this program should consider while they're brainstorming in their boardroom.