she had no practice to become the "good mother".....she had no "good mother" of her own so she had no model.....she only remembered her mother and her mother's sisters drinking....being too loud and cuffing her and her sister around......hiding in closets....out in the forest.....down by the beach....up on the roof of their house....

they longed to be forgotten......

she tried to protect her sister and was completely loyal to her....but even then it was every child for herself.....she became embarrassed as she grew older because when anyone raise their hand near her she ducked her head and covered her face to ward off the inevitable blows she reflexibly knew were coming.....

when her mother was drunk she spoke the native tongue...she learned her tribes language that way...but never spoke it....because her relationship with it was confused and cruel in her mind.....

her father tried to keep a grip on the situation...to manage his drunken wife....to protect his maltreated children....but his wife and her sisters were too much for him...eventually he was driven away....to only see them one day a week.....the percentage of time was too small to relieve their pain and support their maturation...

they began to wander in that half world of desolation

they only had themselves to bring light and love into their lives....but they didn't know how to do it.... they couldn't find their way.....there weren't even breadcrumbs on the path....the ravenous Raven had eaten the few that were there.....

and so they were lost ....

and lifes confusing forest began to closed in on them.......

when she left the forest to try to learn the things she would need to be a whole person and a "good mother"....she promised her sister she would return to take her out of the forest.....but she was gone too long....longer then a younger child alone could hold on to her unraveling self...

her reach for survival may have become her sisters undoing......

it was sad that they had no "good mother"........it crippled them in many ways that never came to light.....and left both of them with a sense they were unsafe in the world....and they looked at their lives thru a glass darkly....and found it difficult to find the sun......they had more then the usual obstacles for their ability to trust had been deeply compromised....

was there anyone who could be trusted ?

and so they were frozen in an icey space...hands..hearts..reaching out but afraid to gasp anothers extended hand..... or welcome anothers open hearts..... hands could soothe...and hands could hurt....hearts were ever changing....difficult to gain....and easily lost

was there anyone who could dry their tears away......untangle the deadly web of mistreatments illusions.......create color and resonance in their lives......would it be too late ?

or had they been forgotten for too long..........

Comments

pocolocolombardo Sept. 30, 2011 @ 10:20 a.m.

Thank you. In some perverse way, I enjoyed reading your story. It is sad how often "your story" is hundreds of thousands of "other stories" with only changes in the demographics. I have seen your face on many blogs, but this is the first that I have read one. Pocolocolombardo

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nan shartel Sept. 30, 2011 @ 1:06 p.m.

thank u very much pocolocolombardo ...yes this is a common story...one that never seems to change...it goes on from generation to generation for it has become the dysfunctional model so many families can't overcome :(

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quillpena Sept. 30, 2011 @ 8:30 p.m.

There are far too many bad mothers out there who think they're good.

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nan shartel Oct. 1, 2011 @ 10:28 a.m.

society has given a negative spin to good values...they sit in a corner in the dust heap unused now

when i watch some of these talk shows i can't believe how good values r simply forgotten or ignored by our society now...it's so disheartening

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