Walter Mencken 11 a.m., Jan. 31
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Yesterday, after much teasing about my old phone, I finally upgraded my old Samsung for a Blackberry. Part of the reason for this was my husband coming home with a new one paid for by his company. Prior to this new acquisition, he had the same phone as I did. Apparently his boss saw him take a call, and started laughing at it. He told my husband that the company paid for their phones and really, dude, you cannot be seen with that Samsung flip phone. So he comes home with the Blackberry Storm, and he is showing me all the cool apps and the nav system and the camera and oh, my God, I have to have one!! But a part of me is thinking do I really need to upgrade? Doesn’t my old phone meet my needs, which are basically to make or take phone calls? Then, the final straw. The photo sent to my e-mail from a live baseball game he was attending. That was it. It went on the to-do list.
When we got to Verizon, we met the coolest sales girl, Kim. We told her I was looking for a new phone, and that mine was a relic from the past. She asked to see it. I made her promise not to laugh. She laughed, and told me it was actually the second one like mine she had traded up that day. We signed all the papers and settled on a plan, but I actually felt a kind of nostalgia for my old phone! Like I was going to miss it. It really could not do anything, texting was a labor intensive effort that had my friends and co-workers alike laughing at me, no camera, no e-mail access, no g-mail. But I felt a little sad leaving my old buddy, so when I got home yesterday I wrote a poem, an ode to my old, dearly departed cell phone.
Ode to a Phone
Oh, revered Samsung You treated me well No reason to doubt you By jove, you were swell!!
For years and years, You stood by my side For calls, both in turn Heartwarming and snide
Then came one day Much to my chagrin A much maligned foe Sh*t!! Texting was in!!
Your flip phone physique Once full of sleek grace Drew embarrassed stares We’d become a disgrace
For years I resisted I loved you, my friend Friend’s chides and sneering Could not our bond end
But, alas, came the day Loved one brought something home Its name like a food Though not a gastrome
It’s a Blackberry, dear He calmly explained As I gasped and I cried At loyalty slain
For he had possessed For years such as mine A similar device That seemed just quite fine
His worked paid He would calmly explain For a phone that allowed No flip-phone disdain
I thought, no big deal To this I adhere Then he sent me a photo Tech’s most lethal spear
I looked at Samsung So useless and unable To allow me to text With a nine key table
No photos, no internet No instant messaging No g-mail, no texting No instant pleasuring
I’ve always adhered To eco-friendly deeds So why trade a phone That met current needs
Because I jealously watched While pictures were sent And e-mail and internet Access was met
The day finally came When I knew it was time To trade up poor Samsung For a newer design
I drive to Verizon Guilt feelings abound To leave you, old friend For a new lover found
I traded you in For a sleek phone so fine Abandoned you friend But for you now I pine
Because here I sit Blackberry, don’t ring I can’t figure out How to use the damn thing!