Walter Mencken 6:15 p.m., Feb. 28
Dear Reader EditorYahwehJesusAllahElohimGod,
Remember how you spent a lot of time talking with Abraham, Moses and Noah. And You did the Middle East lecture circuit as Jesus. Mohammad chatted quite frequently with your Angel Gabriel on a wide range of topics. And Joseph Smith spent some time chatting up Maroni as he ciphered the book of Mormon. Now you sit at your desk, shuffling through mountains of unsolicited writing: poems, book reviews, recipes and consumer complaints.
Looking back, it would have been really dandy if you had given us a little more guidance. Something that would have helped us stay healthy and prevent wars. You know maybe something like:
*“ After I created all the plants and animals of the land and the sea I had a bit of free time and my eyes are way better than yours so I made a bunch of tiny little animal kinda things. So small that you can’t even see them. In fact hundreds of thousands of them swim in a drop of water. And I made millions of different types of these little guys. And these guys multiply like bunnies on meth. Anywho, Some of those little animal kinda things that are too small to see are what make you sick. Sometimes they kill.”*
Dear God! How do we kill all these little things if we can’t even see them?
“Hey, I thought I told you about killing, thou shall not. Anyway you wouldn’t stand a chance. These guys change and adapt then come back stronger. They are my real masterpiece, simple yet indestructible. And one day you may see how many of them are in your blood. But it’s not a good idea to try and rid yourself of them by bleeding yourself. Leeches aren’t the cure for anything. Some of the little guys are even good for you. They help you digest, they eat dead skin and hey, they make alcohol. But there are a few things you could do, Like Bathing, maybe once a week…. Yes, weekly…Yes, whether you need it or not. And maybe you could stop throwing your trash, human waste and dead bodies into your drinking water. Come on, I gave it that smell so that you wouldn’t smear it on your face like a skin moisturizer. If you gotta dump into the river do it down stream. After the water is leaving the city, not as it enters. And this I can not stress enough, WASH YOUR HANDS. Frequently and thoroughly, I mean several times a day. And try washing them in clean water.” “ oh and bye the bye, The weather, that deformed calf, the funny shaped tree, the flu outbreak, That’s me so stop burning the old ladies. I don’t care if she is out in the woods dancing naked with the devil as she suckles a kitten on her teat. She doesn’t control the weather, or anything else for that matter. In fact there is no such thing as witches. I do the weather and all the rest of those little annoying things and if you gotta problem with that then just let me know. I’ll put you on a broom and fly you around the city like a kite. We’ll see how you like torturous interrogation followed by the flames.”
I’m just saying that an omniscient, omnipotent God of everything that exists in all time at once you could have been a bit more articulate with your words. A bit more revealing, a lot more specific and a much less ambiguous. With just a few words you could have saved us from a lot of pain, suffering and war. If anyone could have chosen the right words who better than you, omniscient God. I mean come on. Really. The ark wasn’t big enough for your beetle collection (the insects, not the rock band).
It just seems that you didn’t really tell us anything that we didn’t already know. Your arbitrary rules didn’t really enlighten us. I could’ve come up with a decent set of rules and managed to stay consistent with them throughout the book. I know that you didn’t have much to work with, but what did you expect to find kneeling behind a ewe out in the Middle Eastern desert, philosopher kings?
I mean, how could you keep the existence of a whole other continent full of people a secret from us? How were we to know that a couple of sneezes and the pox would wipe them all out? Conveniently leaving a near empty continent for us.
And hey, enough with the silent treatment. I don’t know what we did to piss you off for however many hundred years but a quick cameo appearance and a few law of nature defying miracles would go a long way toward shoring up obedience and worshipping. And it’s not like you can’t do it, omnipotent one. It’s not like you’re too busy, you have all the time of all time. And hey a blazing, talking bush won’t do it this time, every Vegas magician has that one in their bag. You’re gonna have to come up with something big. I mean worldwide, simultaneous on every channel in every language big. And give us something that nobody knows so the we can be sure that it isn’t some kind of hoax outta some silicon valley weisenheimers. You know, dark matter in the right hand, dark energy in the left hand as you explain a unifying theory of physics. And don’t try to sell that string shit around here. Yea, that’ll show all those neoscienceathiests. Just let me set the DVR first.
Your faithful and loyal servant, A real modern day Job,