Don Bauder 10:30 a.m., Sept. 23
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Ersatz News Source: Woman Goes Berserk Following Election; Teen, 3 Men Felled by Eye Candy, 1 Fatally
Ersatz News Source
Woman Goes Berserk Following Election (11/9/12)
Late Thursday night, following a struggle, SDPD officers were able to detain a 52-year old woman near Petco Ball Park, who went berserk a day following the national elections. According to the woman’s husband, his wife had been leading up to this for the last month. As a Governor Romney supporter she railed against President Obama mostly on the phone, social media and in lengthy editorial letters she wrote to several area newspapers. The husband said she “really went off” while watching the election results on Fox News. “Now she’s been ranting about Obama conspiracies. I couldn’t calm her down. Luckily our kids were staying at their friends, otherwise, I can’t tell you what I would have done”, the father of three added. Then suddenly on Thursday afternoon, he said she disappeared from their Poway home. The woman was later seen by a number of witnesses yelling at passersby, “You don’t get it. You still don’t understand. It’s all wrong.” Police arrived following a 911 call, but she refused to cooperate telling the officers, “I’m not nuts, you’re crapping nuts.” She was eventually subdued and transported to the UCSD Medical Center in Hillcrest for 5150 evaluation.
Teen, 3 Men Felled by Eye Candy, 1 Fatally (11/10/12)
In separate incidents a teen and three men were reported injured by overdoses of eye candy where one died. On Thursday morning, the teen was surfing at La Jolla Shores when he came ashore to find a team of female volley ball players. Some were dressed in sports attire, but many in bikinis. According to lifeguards, after consuming the eye candy he collapsed but with first aid he was soon revived and carried away from near the eye candy. Lifeguard Lieutenant Tom Mack said, “It happens all the time. We have too much eye candy down here. It’s lucky he’s so young and survived.” It was recommended the victim stay off the beach for the remainder of the day.
Another incident involved two brothers, 32 and 36, at the Mission Valley Mall. Witnesses said there was an extreme overabundance of eye candy at the time of the men’s injuries. A male clerk, in his twenties working at a mall cell-phone kiosk noted, “The ladies were way overdone. So many hotties. That’s why I work here. Bare midriffs, mini skirts and boots, I can’t see how there weren’t a lot more injuries here today. I can handle it though.” “Yeah. Bring it on”, he said. Following quick attention administered by mall staff, both men were reported as “doing fine”.
The last eye candy incident had a fatal outcome, this time in Little Italy. An unnamed man in his late fifties was sitting alone at a street side café table enjoying his pizza and imported beer when suddenly he was felled by a fatal dose of eye candy. The eye candy was described by witnesses as an athletic brunette, possibly Eastern European, with a long pony tail, wearing a low cut top, very short white hot pants and high heels. As the eye candy sauntered slowly by his table the man collapsed into his food. On their arrival, a paramedic said it was already too late to save him. "The old guy’s heart rate must have skyrocketed and his heart probably exploded. It happens. It was sudden and he died happy. There’s way too much eye candy these days. Don’t look at it and you will be OK,” he told the Reader.