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MUMBLING SOMETHING ABOUT "CHILD SOLDIERS," MIRAMAR - "There's no question that the sequester hurt us," says Cruise Topgun, Head of Youth Outreach for the Miramar Air Show. "When the word came down that they were cutting the Blue Angels' $35 million in half, we knew we were in trouble. And when we found out that those beautiful blue and gold fighter jets wouldn't be coming in hot overhead at Miramar, we just about despaired. How would little kids be lured into the harsh discipline and moral quagmire of military life without witnessing the awesome display of speed, skill, and fuel consumption that only the Blue Angels can bring?"

But sometimes, when God gives you lemons, you just have to turn around and make a lemon bomb. "Kuchi Kuchiku, who heads up our Toddlers Against Terror initiative, came up with the solution," recalls Topgun. "Pixar hasn't quite pissed away all the cred it built up before Disney ate its soul, and now they've got this Cars spinoff called Planes. Sad, I know, but here's the thing: it features military jets that talk. It's the best commercial we ever could have made, and we didn't even have to make it. As long as those jets in the film don't take out a daycare center on puppy visitation day, we're golden. Slap some paint and a Pixar logo on a couple of decommissioned F-18s, let the kids pay for a chance to sit in the cockpit, and let the applications roll in."

As of press time, former Pixar chief and Cars director John Lasseter was reportedly buried under a pile of money and so unable to comment.

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