Various Authors 6:02 p.m., Aug. 30
Top Gun Remake to Do Away with Homoerotic Subtext, Raise Homoeroticism to Level of Text
Film to Receive Full Cooperation of San Diego-based Naval Operations As Part of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Replacement Program, "Show and Tell."
"We have most definitely not lost that lovin' feeling."
When the word came down that a Top Gun sequel was in the works, you could practically hear the squeals of delight emanating from Navy recruitment centers all across town. After all, there are a few wars on just now, and enlistment jumped 500 percent after the original.
But those delighted squeals soon turned to howls of misery when it was revealed that America's Seventh Finest City might not get to host the upcoming blockbuster. "I didn't want to do just a remake," said Tony Scott, director of both the original Top Gun and the proposed sequel Top Guns. "I wanted to do something new. I thought about doing a thoughtful examination of the end of fighter pilot culture. You know, something about how today, it's all just computer kids in a desert bunker, operating Air Force drones over Pakistan. The aircraft are unmanned, and so are the pilots, that sort of thing."
"But then I thought, 'Who the hell wants to watch a bunch of pasty computer nerds twiddle their joysticks in front of computer screens while a bunch of robot planes drop bombs on women and children 6000 miles away?' There's a reason they call them drones, you know? 'A stingless male bee,' indeed."
Inspiration, said Scott, came from the United States military's decision to revoke its policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" with regard to gay and lesbian servicemembers. "Suddenly, there was this seismic shift in military culture that needed exploring, that needed dramatizing, that needed the Tony Scott touch. And I thought, 'What better vehicle for that exploration than the gayest military movie ever made?' And then I thought, 'And who the hell doesn't want to watch sweaty, shirtless, shaved beefcake strutting on the beach?' Right then, I knew I had to come back to San Diego. Only this time, we'll do the bar scenes at the Brass Rail."
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