Don Bauder 5:30 p.m., March 14
Heroic Navy SEAL Thwarts Attempted Invasion of American Nether Region
Bold Attack Narrowly Averted by Quick Thinking, Decisive Action - But at a Terrible Cost
"He took that bullet to protect precious American resources."
A young Navy SEAL is in critical condition today following an act of heroic self-sacrifice at about 2 a.m. on January 5. SD on the QT's military source, speaking on condition of anonymity, gave an account of what Navy investigators have been able to determine so far.
"The subject - we'll call him John Doe for the purposes of this account - was out on a standard nighttime patrol. Part of his operations, of course, involved an attempt to engage the civilian population - winning hearts and minds. On the evening in question, Doe experienced particular success in this regard, a result we credit partly to his training and partly to his considerable personal resources."
However, even in the midst of an otherwise peaceful night's work, Doe remained alert, and it was a good thing he did. "Sometime in the course of the evening, Doe became aware of sleeper cell activity within his own borders. Something was up. His training allowed him to recognize the signs of invasive intent, and he correctly deduced that a strategic incursion was imminent."
What signs? "First, the release of chemical agents into the region surrounding the target - in this case, ethyl alcohol. Said agents lead to disorientation and often, to reduced vigilance and a weakened resistance to opposing forces. Second, a shift in geographic center of operations - in this case, from the public arena of Pacific Beach Bar & Grill to the isolation of an apartment. It is much easier to carry out an operation of this kind in such circumstances."
Before Doe was able to formulate a plan for a counter-insurgence, the sleeper cell had moved to expose the target by removing its outer defenses. "The guard normally assigned to duty put up little to no resistance, and the sleeper cell was preparing to launch a Minuteman missile when Doe made his fateful and heroic decision to put himself in harm's way. Thanks to his willingness to use deadly force without regard to the danger it posed to him, the invasion was averted."