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SHOULDER YOUR RIFLE; HOLSTER YOUR GUN

According to a damning report from the Department of Defense, the greatest danger facing women in the US military today isn't enemy fire, or land mines, or disease, or even PTSD. It's sexual assault. The DOD report states that unwanted sexual contact complaints involving military personnel jumped 37 percent, to 26,000 in 2012. Even those soliders explicitly charged with preventing sexual assault are committing sexual assaults. Army General Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, called the situation "a crisis." Secretary of the Navy Ray Maybus has called for the removal of pornography from Navy Exchanges. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has been overheard saying that "the penis may wind up being the most potent terrorist force this nation has ever faced."

But Thor Samson, Chief Trainer for Naval Special Warfare Group One at Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, thinks there's an easy fix for the problem: Navy SEAL training for military females. "A Navy SEAL knows fourteen ways to effectively neutralize a man's genital function, six of them permanent," says Samson. "The way I see it, we get a few lady SEALs in the mix, they're bound to teach their fellow soldierettes a thing or two. All it's gonna take are one or two incidents that leave a would-be assailant gelded, bleeding, and screaming but alive, and folks are gonna settle down and think about taking a cold shower."

A spokesman for NAB Coronado refused to comment on Samson's proposal, but the Pentagon did announce today that it has plans to begin training females as Navy SEALs by 2016.

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