Don Bauder 6:30 p.m., May 22
Leaked Report Reveals Real Reason for Bin Laden's Burial at Sea; Body was Dropped from USS Carl Vinson by Naval Officer on Spice High
Sailor now known as "Watchoo Bin Smokin"
Lately, the United States military has undertaken a sustained and public offensive against the synthetic marijuana melange known as Spice. It has developed sophisticated tests for the drug, published scientific and medical data in civilian research journals, and even launched a drug prevention campaign, complete with a music video from a quintet of Naval nurses performing as the No Spice Girls. But what it hasn't mentioned is what really led to the discovery of a Spice ring aboard the USS Carl Vinson earlier this year.
SD on the QT has obtained a Navy memo that was originally sent to Wikipeeks in early December, a memo that contains the bombshell revelation that the ring was discovered after a sailor dropped the corpse of terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden off the side of the ship while high on the hallucinogenic drug. Bin Laden, of course, had been slain by an elite squad of Navy Seals in Pakistan, and was being transported to his native Saudi Arabia for burial when the mishap occurred.
According to the memo, Petty Officer Nate Michaels was part of a detail assigned to transport Bin Laden's body from the Vinson's medical bay (where DNA tests confirming his identity had been performed) to the cold storage locker in the ship's galley. But somewhere between the two, Michaels appeared to suffer a psychotic break. According to witnesses, he grabbed the body and cried, "Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!" an apparent reference to the iconic scene from the 1966 Batman movie. He then slung Bin Laden's corpse over his shoulder and made a dash for the ship's deck. Before his shocked compatriots could respond, he hurled the body overboard, an act which necessitated an elaborate cover story from President Obama.
Calls to the Navy, the Pentagon, the White House, and Officer Michaels' mother have thus far gone unanswered. More on this story as it develops.
More like this:
- Navy initiates "Hey, Sailor!" recruitment campaign in effort to stem tide of sexual harrassment on ships — Oct. 16, 2014
- The Navy's new assault on bath salts — Jan. 4, 2013
- Naval Hospital Sees Increased Number of Spice Users — Dec. 30, 2011
- Illegal Spice Trade Aboard the USS Ronald Reagan — Nov. 21, 2011
- Navy Drug Bust Nabs Local Sailors — Oct. 21, 2011