Elaine “White Angel” Baeumler: “Like it or not, we are Americans and we are Californians, and so the Governor is obliged to protect us from this Mexican filth that is staining our land and corrupting our children. No seriously, my grandkid got sepsis a few weeks back.”

Last week, outraged citizens of Coronado and Imperial Beach staged a protest over the steady influx of sewage slipping over the border from Tijuana and fouling the waters off the county’s southern beaches. They hoped the action would draw a positive response from Governor Gavin Newsom, and maybe even President Biden. Sadly, their efforts instead drew criticism from both state and federal officials. “Hate has no place in America,” said U.S. Secretary of Lovingkindness Sarah Feels. “We’ve seen this kind of dehumanizing language at the border before, and our response is the same as ever: we are a nation of immigrants. Calling the brave souls who seek opportunity in America ‘human sewage’ is a profound evil, and doing it in the name of so-called ‘cleanliness’ and ‘public health’ smacks of Nazi ideology. Disgusting.” For his part, Governor Newsom sent additional CalGuard members to the border to help stop the influx of fentanyl, but declined to aid “people who protest by dressing in white hoods and hiding their faces.”