“Now remember, if we’re gonna secure this conviction, we need to share our findings with the def - oh man, look at that counselor’s bounce to the ounce!”

Statement from U.S. Attorney Lloyd Christmas on the government’s recent missteps in the Fat Leonard corruption trial: “It’s true that we asked one of our witnesses to commit perjury, that is, to cut certain parts out of his testimony, like when a doctor removes your appendix. But sometimes perjury is necessary to save the life of the patient, or in this case, our case. It’s also true that we prepared lengthy responses to four defendents’ motion for dismissal. But those responses went dismissing, so we had to drop their convictions. But we made them pay $100 each, so really, we still won. And yes, it looks like we’ll be doing the same for four or five more of the defendants, because if we do it for some, we have to do it for all. That’s called justice. But I would like to add that it’s not our fault that Fat Leonard himself was able to flee from his house arrest. He asked us to take him to Five Guys for a burger, and then pointed out that since he was no longer in his house, he couldn’t be under house arrest. So we had to let him go. The law is a cruel mistress, but we have to obey her.”