“The Padres have always prided themselves on their promotional prowess,” said General Manager AJ Preller in a postgame news conference following the team’s 15-0 drubbing at the hands of the Los Angeles Dodgers on opening day.

“Whether it's the branded blinders we gave out last year so that visitors to Petco Park don’t have to see the homeless lining the streets of downtown, or the entertaining blue kazoos we passed out at our last home game. Nothing beats a kazoo for making that disappointed, sad trumpet sound. Except maybe an actual trumpet. Anyway, after last year’s opening day loss to Los Angeles, we felt the fans deserved something special this time around. Something to comfort them in their inevitable hour of despair. These microfiber towels, fashioned to look like our home, away, and camo jerseys, are the perfect product. They're super absorbent and super easy to clean; just the thing for drying up copious opening day tears, and even blowing your nose and/or wiping away your runny mascara as you bemoan getting beaten once again. Smart giveaways like this are just another reason to love your Padres, San Diego. You know, besides winning."