Sweet merciful crap! Through means I’d rather not discuss, I’ve managed to transport myself back to the Mesozoic period. The dishwasher and eight-track cassette player I used as a time vehicle is now broken. Even if I could repair it, I miscalculated my fuel supply, and I don’t think I have enough reserved for a return trip. Time-travel fuel (a hot dog sandwich, for those of you not in the scientific community) might be hard to come by since I’m still 65 million years from the time bread will be invented. Things are bleak.
A millipede about the size of a Lincoln Towncar just trampled past the cave where I’m hiding. Oof! Earlier, a dragonfly knocked me down and set about mining my mouth for leftover food, and it nipped off a little portion of my tongue. Damn thing.
In short, the fossil record is incomplete. A man with the body of a dog and snakes where his eyes should be hopped out from behind a rock, which prompted me to release not a small measure of pee into my pants. As I was running away and shrieking like a snake-bit kindergartner, a scaly lizard-gorilla punched me in the face and knocked me into the dirt where a jackalope antlered me in the ribs and right love handle.
This all happened in the first five seconds of landing the washer and falling from its door. To say the least, I’m under constant threat here.
Oh, how I now hate the writers of history books and producers of Jurassic Park. What they propounded the environment to be like — a verdant and fecund tropical forest, lush with ferns and palm trees — turned out to be a horrendous lie. Everything is sharp, rocky, covered in bacterial slime, and littered with the rotting bodies of dead things. Michael Crichton, you dirty dog!
An army of tiny animals just removed my shoes and ate them.
Why is the sky red? Why is the moon yellow? Everything smells like egg salad forgotten in a trunk over a three-day weekend.
Oh, someone please deliver me. Oh, someone send me a new dishwasher. I swear I’ll never bitch about TV again. I swear I’ll never whack my face with my palm every time Paula Abdul and Kevin Federline are featured on the news as if their lives were somehow relevant to anything. I swear I’ll kiss Paris Hilton’s toes; just, please, get me the hell away from this place!
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
It’s the “stupid questions and answers” edition!
Thursday, November 20
Barney and Friends
PBS 10:00 a.m.
Question: Are all unicorns gay? Answer: Obviously, yes. Now, this brings up another question: How do unicorns reproduce if they’re all gay? Answer: They adopt.
FOX 8:00 p.m.
Friday, November 21
15 Infamous Child Star Mugshots
E! 8:00 p.m.
Question: Although it’s a popular concept, has there ever been an actual axe murderer? Answer: That’s just stupid. Axes are wood and metal; you can’t kill them.
Saturday, November 22
The Spectacular Spiderman
CW 9:00 a.m.
Question: Why are all restaurant saltshaker caps dented? Answer: At night, Smurfs break into every eatery and whack them with tiny baseball bats. It’s the Smurf national pastime and their only sport. They’re good at it, though; you’ll never beat a Smurf at a saltshaker whacking game.
TNT 9:00 p.m.
Question: Why does it feel hot out even when it’s below 98.6 degrees? Answer: Thundercats.
Sunday, November 23
PBS 8:00 p.m.
Question: What was here before the universe formed? Answer: There was a glass of water with an octopus in it. He was too big for the glass and was really uncomfortable. His only defense was to ink himself, and when he did, he took personal offense and inked himself more. His name was Waylon. (Well, you asked!)
Monday, November 24
ABC 9:30 p.m.
Speaking of names... Question: Why do famous photographers name their photographs? Answer: I have a famous photograph on my wall that is called New Construction and an album of snapshots I took that are completely nameless but could be titled Chubby Man with Bad Haircut in Front of a Famous Landmark. Probably Smells Funny. Just Out of the Shot, Touching Himself Inappropriately.
Tuesday, November 25
Fox 9:00 p.m.
Question: Why would liars’ pants suddenly catch fire? Answer: I think a more fitting response to lying would be if their kneecaps were turned backward. Then everyone who’s ever told a lie would run like a horse. That’d be rad.
Wednesday, November 26
CBS 9:00 p.m.
Question: Worried about paranoia? Answer: Yes, but I’m certainly not going to tell you about it. You’ll tell other people, and they’ll laugh at me and watch me in an accusing manner as I cross the street — or they’ll peek into my bathroom window. Dirty bastards.
Thursday, November 27
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
ABC 8:00 p.m.
Question: Why is it called “planning for the future”? Answer: Because planning for the past doesn’t make any sense. Don’t be ridiculous.