Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Hair Lip

— May 1, 2000

Not only was I late for work, but my car’s booster engine fouled up. It didn’t explode or anything, it streamed a thin trail of smoke and rattled. So the automatic driver didn’t pull me over, land the craft, and call for a repair vehicle. It put me in the slow lane, making me even later, and when I arrive I’ll stammer and make feeble excuses to the boss instead of cocking my fist back and punching him right in the mouth. Oh, dear God, that would fill my heart with joy.

So, in the slow lane, I fly along at 180 miles per hour instead of 300. The car’s video communicator buzzes and I quickly press the silver button marked “Ignore.” In the field next to which I’m flying, gazelle leap and a host of sparrows launch, turn in a boomerang pattern, and then land again in the willow shrubs. The communicator buzzes and I press “Ignore.” I don’t want to talk to my boss. Gleaming new cars rocket past me at nearly double the speed.

My watch communicator beeps. I flip my wrist over; there’s no ignoring this one. I touch “Answer,” and my boss’ head and that ridiculous gray derby appear on the curvy screen. “Jenkins! You’re late again!” I look to the sparrows and gazelle in the field, I smooth the hair on my brow, and then to my watch communicator I say, “Yes, sir, I apologize. My, uh...” and I prattle on about the booster engine. “I don’t want to hear excuses! I want the schematics for the Johnson account you were supposed to have drafted by...” My mind drifts to images of skinned and cut knuckles dislodging whole rows of teeth.

“JENKINS!”

“Yes, sir. I’ll send them now.”

My fingers dance around the console keys in front of me. The bubble monitor displays the schematics, half-finished and late. Another button actuates the car’s refreshment system and delivers a cup of coffee. It’s cold and tastes burnt.

Sponsored
Sponsored

I hate work. Why can’t I just sit and watch TV all day; I love those game shows. The shows that offer a thousand-dollar cash prize for guessing a correct answer or spinning a wheel. With a thousand greenbacks, I could get a new flying car, a big 28-inch TV, and a house-cleaning robot. That would be the good life. That’s what I need.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, April 17
Good Morning San Diego
KUSI 7:00 a.m.

If I could travel back in time, I’d meet the person who first discovered that maple syrup is sweet and edible. I’d be, like, “Dude, did you just lick that tree? Don’t lie! I just watched you walk over there and lick that tree, you magnificent kook!” Then when he was embarrassed, I’d steal his discovery and mount a world-domination plan based on the profits from a breakfast condiment empire.

The Neverending Story (1984)
ION 8:00 p.m.

Oh, how I yearn for the release of Speed Part Four: Snakes, Bombs, Breakdancing, and Babies on a Bus. Starring Sandra Bullock as the beauty queen cobra charmer, bent on the destruction of public transportation, and Ben Affleck as a poor yet determined inner-city rapper who learns from Edward James Olmos and Ernest Borgnine that love is colorblind. The Speed storyline will finally be completed. What a triumph.

Friday, April 18
Canterbury’s Law
FOX 8:00 p.m.

Finally, a show about lawyers. We held signs. We marched. We asked, nay, demanded a national television network provide us with stories of law. Never before had we been answered. Never before! “We want legal shows!” we chanted. “We want legal shows!” Fox heard our cry, citizens. Fox heard our cry.

Saturday, April 19
Curious George
PBS 7:00 a.m.

You know what are scary, I’ll tell you what, baboons. You know why, I’ll tell you why, because they eat meat. Monkeys are supposed to be cute and clutch your pantleg and eat little bits of fruit and hang from fences and swing on ropes. Monkeys ARE NOT supposed to gnaw off a hunk of your thigh with bloody fangs. Plus, they have those big, unpleasant, stinky pink butts.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
ABC 8:00 p.m.

I want to tell you that I despise this clichéd kids’ trash. But I’d be lying. While I’ve never taken the time out of my life to read one of the huge, simplistic books, I have watched the movies and enjoyed every second. I know I’m supposed to be the intellectual (stop snickering) type who turns his nose up at popular pap, but damn it all, I want a magic wand that makes things fly and shoots lightning. I need a magic lightning wand. NEED.

Sunday, April 20
America’s Next Top Model
CW 7:00 p.m.

The waaaay better show is America’s Next Top Crack Hooker.

Monday, April 21
Walk the Line
FX 5:00 p.m.

Here’s the entire script of thoughts from my head while watching this movie. “Johnny Cash wasn’t a hair lip. That thing is distracting. Seriously, millions of dollars and they couldn’t budget in some putty makeup? I can’t stop looking at it. Would someone please just dab some foundation on that hair lip so I can pay attention to the story. I cannot see anything else on the screen and I can only hear what the hair lip is saying. Hair lip. Hair lip. Hair lip. Hair lip.”

Tuesday, April 22
Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Farley
8:30 p.m.

Thank God Chris Farley died. It is far cooler to be the fat overdosed comedic genius than the weepy contestant of a celebrity diet-and-rehab program on VH-1. Yeah, he might’ve lost a hundred pounds, kicked cocaine, and given Muriel Hemingway sweaty hugs, but we need tubby dead legends more than thin unfunny Puritans. We salute you and all you gave to us, sir!

Wednesday, April 23
Big Brother 9
CBS 8:00 p.m.

And while we’re on the subject of crappy reality game shows, I’m going to say this right now, and I want everyone to damned listen. The crying has gotten out of hand. You were kicked off of a game show, not threatened with bodily harm or the loss of a loved one. Sure, maybe a tear should be expected from the women, but if you’re a guy and you’re blubbering like a Girl Scout with a skinned knee on TV because you lost a game, I swear I will give you something to cry about, you embarrassing sissy.

Thursday, April 24
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Family 8:30 p.m.

Ooh, look at me, I’m Johnny Depp and I’m weird. Think of me as being weird! I’m not at all like other actors who are rich and famous and do things for money. I’m weird, dammit! I’m weird and different!

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

A poem for March by Joseph O’Brien

“March’s Lovely Asymptotes”
Next Article

Hip-hop artist Don Elway makes movies for his music

Not Ordinary EP tells a story of life on the streets

— May 1, 2000

Not only was I late for work, but my car’s booster engine fouled up. It didn’t explode or anything, it streamed a thin trail of smoke and rattled. So the automatic driver didn’t pull me over, land the craft, and call for a repair vehicle. It put me in the slow lane, making me even later, and when I arrive I’ll stammer and make feeble excuses to the boss instead of cocking my fist back and punching him right in the mouth. Oh, dear God, that would fill my heart with joy.

So, in the slow lane, I fly along at 180 miles per hour instead of 300. The car’s video communicator buzzes and I quickly press the silver button marked “Ignore.” In the field next to which I’m flying, gazelle leap and a host of sparrows launch, turn in a boomerang pattern, and then land again in the willow shrubs. The communicator buzzes and I press “Ignore.” I don’t want to talk to my boss. Gleaming new cars rocket past me at nearly double the speed.

My watch communicator beeps. I flip my wrist over; there’s no ignoring this one. I touch “Answer,” and my boss’ head and that ridiculous gray derby appear on the curvy screen. “Jenkins! You’re late again!” I look to the sparrows and gazelle in the field, I smooth the hair on my brow, and then to my watch communicator I say, “Yes, sir, I apologize. My, uh...” and I prattle on about the booster engine. “I don’t want to hear excuses! I want the schematics for the Johnson account you were supposed to have drafted by...” My mind drifts to images of skinned and cut knuckles dislodging whole rows of teeth.

“JENKINS!”

“Yes, sir. I’ll send them now.”

My fingers dance around the console keys in front of me. The bubble monitor displays the schematics, half-finished and late. Another button actuates the car’s refreshment system and delivers a cup of coffee. It’s cold and tastes burnt.

Sponsored
Sponsored

I hate work. Why can’t I just sit and watch TV all day; I love those game shows. The shows that offer a thousand-dollar cash prize for guessing a correct answer or spinning a wheel. With a thousand greenbacks, I could get a new flying car, a big 28-inch TV, and a house-cleaning robot. That would be the good life. That’s what I need.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, April 17
Good Morning San Diego
KUSI 7:00 a.m.

If I could travel back in time, I’d meet the person who first discovered that maple syrup is sweet and edible. I’d be, like, “Dude, did you just lick that tree? Don’t lie! I just watched you walk over there and lick that tree, you magnificent kook!” Then when he was embarrassed, I’d steal his discovery and mount a world-domination plan based on the profits from a breakfast condiment empire.

The Neverending Story (1984)
ION 8:00 p.m.

Oh, how I yearn for the release of Speed Part Four: Snakes, Bombs, Breakdancing, and Babies on a Bus. Starring Sandra Bullock as the beauty queen cobra charmer, bent on the destruction of public transportation, and Ben Affleck as a poor yet determined inner-city rapper who learns from Edward James Olmos and Ernest Borgnine that love is colorblind. The Speed storyline will finally be completed. What a triumph.

Friday, April 18
Canterbury’s Law
FOX 8:00 p.m.

Finally, a show about lawyers. We held signs. We marched. We asked, nay, demanded a national television network provide us with stories of law. Never before had we been answered. Never before! “We want legal shows!” we chanted. “We want legal shows!” Fox heard our cry, citizens. Fox heard our cry.

Saturday, April 19
Curious George
PBS 7:00 a.m.

You know what are scary, I’ll tell you what, baboons. You know why, I’ll tell you why, because they eat meat. Monkeys are supposed to be cute and clutch your pantleg and eat little bits of fruit and hang from fences and swing on ropes. Monkeys ARE NOT supposed to gnaw off a hunk of your thigh with bloody fangs. Plus, they have those big, unpleasant, stinky pink butts.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
ABC 8:00 p.m.

I want to tell you that I despise this clichéd kids’ trash. But I’d be lying. While I’ve never taken the time out of my life to read one of the huge, simplistic books, I have watched the movies and enjoyed every second. I know I’m supposed to be the intellectual (stop snickering) type who turns his nose up at popular pap, but damn it all, I want a magic wand that makes things fly and shoots lightning. I need a magic lightning wand. NEED.

Sunday, April 20
America’s Next Top Model
CW 7:00 p.m.

The waaaay better show is America’s Next Top Crack Hooker.

Monday, April 21
Walk the Line
FX 5:00 p.m.

Here’s the entire script of thoughts from my head while watching this movie. “Johnny Cash wasn’t a hair lip. That thing is distracting. Seriously, millions of dollars and they couldn’t budget in some putty makeup? I can’t stop looking at it. Would someone please just dab some foundation on that hair lip so I can pay attention to the story. I cannot see anything else on the screen and I can only hear what the hair lip is saying. Hair lip. Hair lip. Hair lip. Hair lip.”

Tuesday, April 22
Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Farley
8:30 p.m.

Thank God Chris Farley died. It is far cooler to be the fat overdosed comedic genius than the weepy contestant of a celebrity diet-and-rehab program on VH-1. Yeah, he might’ve lost a hundred pounds, kicked cocaine, and given Muriel Hemingway sweaty hugs, but we need tubby dead legends more than thin unfunny Puritans. We salute you and all you gave to us, sir!

Wednesday, April 23
Big Brother 9
CBS 8:00 p.m.

And while we’re on the subject of crappy reality game shows, I’m going to say this right now, and I want everyone to damned listen. The crying has gotten out of hand. You were kicked off of a game show, not threatened with bodily harm or the loss of a loved one. Sure, maybe a tear should be expected from the women, but if you’re a guy and you’re blubbering like a Girl Scout with a skinned knee on TV because you lost a game, I swear I will give you something to cry about, you embarrassing sissy.

Thursday, April 24
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Family 8:30 p.m.

Ooh, look at me, I’m Johnny Depp and I’m weird. Think of me as being weird! I’m not at all like other actors who are rich and famous and do things for money. I’m weird, dammit! I’m weird and different!

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Gonzo Report: Stinkfoot Orchestra conjures Zappa at Winstons

His music is a blend of technical excellence and not-so-subtle humor
Next Article

Tiny Home Central isn’t solving the San Diego housing crisis

But it does hope to help fill in the gaps
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.