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“Shit, that bad, huh?” I said.

“No, it’s not that,” Jen said. “Barb, you never fit into this dress. There’s no way.”

“No, it used to fit, I just got fatter,” I argued.

“If you gained any weight, I can’t tell. But even so, say you did. Then wouldn’t the rest of your clothes not fit?”

“They don’t,” I whined. “Two weeks ago, I was fastening my bra on the tightest hook. And now, I’m using the middle hook.”

“That’s like half an inch,” said Jen. “This,” she pointed to the dress, “is, like, five inches. If you grew five inches wider, none of your other clothes would fit.”

“Oh my God,” I gasped. “You’re right. You know, when I first tried it on, they said they were having a sale in a week, so I left it at the store. When I went back to pick it up, I didn’t try it on again, I just bought it! I must have had the wrong size in my closet all this time. But now what?”

When Jen suggested I exchange it, my face fell. This dress was from last season. There was no way any stores would still have it. Still, Jen insisted I check, and sure enough, just one iridescent espresso strapless number remained in California, and as fortune would have it, that one dress was in the size I needed, which was two sizes larger than the one I’d been trying to cram myself into. “It’s at the store in Costa Mesa. That’s, like, an hour and a half away,” I said.

Jen, my dear friend, and my handler in David’s absence, smiled at me, shook her head, and said, “Well then, let’s hit the road.” I grabbed the dress and followed Jen to the door. As we belted ourselves in to the Mini, Jen flaunted a mischievous smile.

“What?” I asked her.

“Now that you don’t have to lose 30 pounds this week, I was just thinking after we pick up the right-sized dress, we can go grab a burger and a beer.”

“Rockin’,” I said. As I zoomed onto the freeway, I turned to Jen and flashed the smile of a woman who’d just been liberated.

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Comments

jim87vette July 24, 2008 @ 8:04 a.m.

So I can't say "would you like some cheese with that Whine" since you had both lol j/k.Thats so funny after the fact of coarse. I have a closet full of t-shirts and such that I know have shrunk over the coarse of many washes.I say well when I loose 10 pounds this shirt will work fine so I then put it back away and move onto the sure thing-the larger shirt. Btw I love cheese lol.

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Barbarella Fokos July 24, 2008 @ 1:24 p.m.

Clothing misunderstandings can be very depressing, but there's always cheese and wine to ease the pain. ;)

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pete78 July 27, 2008 @ 2:10 a.m.

Sometimes when I don't fit into my dress I use Crisco to lube myself up. Seems to do the trick pretty darn well. You ever try that? And the best part is that now Crisco uses 0 grams of transfat!

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Barbarella Fokos July 27, 2008 @ 10:13 a.m.

Never thought of Crisco, Pete. Sounds like a party. I'm always game for parties. ;)

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towelheadedcameljockey July 31, 2008 @ 3:06 p.m.

Red Mini, very cute. Plate DQMNTRX plates....Dairy Queen or Disqualified Dominartix?

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Barbarella Fokos July 31, 2008 @ 3:19 p.m.

That would be "Dominatrix," after someone else got the "O." D'oh! I tried a variety, one even using the number 8, but this one looked most like the word at a glance. The Q causes just enough doubt and speculation. But the matching red and black riding crop helps me clarify matters. ;)

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Deider Aug. 19, 2008 @ 9:37 a.m.

I had been off of work for two months until last Monday and every week my boyfriend would bring the Reader home and the first thing I would read were your stories. I love them there so awesome and then I saw you on the news a couple of weeks ago with the brown dress. I like your style thats what I first noticed and how awesome your writing his. Now that Im at work and sometimes get a break I can read the READER online. I look forward to Thursday story...

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Barbarella Fokos Aug. 19, 2008 @ 11 a.m.

Thank you, Deider! I'm delighted that you enjoy my stories, and that you caught that bit with me and the dress on the news. I had a lot of fun showing it off, especially after all the drama it has caused me. ;)

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Deider Aug. 20, 2008 @ 7:39 a.m.

Yea, when I was flipping the channels I saw the story before yours and I thought I was dreaming when you came on it was funny and cool. Tomorrows Thursday lol...

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pinkshoes March 26, 2014 @ 10:53 a.m.

Time after time, as I read about your adventures I think that you are truly blessed to have found such a wonderful man. It gives me hope for those of us who haven’t yet. :)

(Posted originally to "Tic tact” by mistake.)

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