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Wednesday, September 26 Rules Committee TWCNSD 7:00 p.m. My first order of business: trumpets and flutes shall announce my arrival into any room. Including gas-station bathrooms, sleeping baby nurseries, and lion pits. They'll play my song, which is entitled, "Take It Easy, Ladies. There's Plenty of Ollie to Go Around." And I'll roll my hand through the air in front of my face and grunt, "As you were. As you were," as the official presidential greeting.

Thursday, September 27 The Real World MTV 8:00 p.m. A water fight will determine my successor. Any challengers to the office will be handcuffed and armed with a drinking straw and goldfish bowl. The incumbent will be equally matched by being armed with a fire hose and a team of bikini contestants as his hose team. The call to civic duty squeals to me like a group of wet girls in high heels and two-piece swimsuits.

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