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Tuesday, September 18 The Price is Right CBS 10:00 a.m. Bob Barker should come back on and launch into a tirade: "I couldn't trust you morons to run a sixth-grade talent show. The Price Is Right is nothing without me! Nothing! I was handing out RVs in the Showcase Showdown while you were still wiping snot on your mommy's sleeve. And I did it all with eight strains of VD and a hunk of Japanese shrapnel in my hip! Sissies!"

Wednesday, September 19 Losing It: Tales from Fat Camp TLC 7:00 p.m. Ah, yes. Have a weight problem? Want to get in better shape? It's going to be a sweaty, ugly mess. You're going to question yourself and your self-worth. You're going to push your body, red-faced and crying. What can we do to make this a little more humiliating? Oh, great idea! We'll record everything you do and put it on national television. You don't mind; do you, fatty? Do you?

Thursday, September 20 Road Trip with Huell Howser PBS 8:00 p.m. There's a girl in North Park, Robin, who drives the Vagina-Mobile. The Vagina-Mobile is a '99 Subaru plastered with centerfold layouts of triple-x porn. She's been pulled over, but the police have no recourse; the naughty parts are diligently blacked out with Magic Marker. Robin claims to be "taking back the vagina" from...whom? I don't know. All I know is that it works. When I'm in the car, I can't even crack a joke, and I rely on mundane conversation to ease the disquietude. "So. What kind of mileage does she get?" is all I can think to say.

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