My phone rang. "Hi, this is Josh from Girls Gone Wild , and I've got..." "Girls Gone Wild?" I asked.
"Yes, sir," his crackly, immature voice croaked over my receiver.
"Josh, is it?"
"Yes, sir. I've got a special offer..."
"Josh, how did you get this number?"
"We have a list of..."
"Okay, Josh. Girls Gone Wild, is it?" I ask without pause for answer. "What's your pitch? Lay it on me."
"I've got a special offer for a limited time. You get two Girls Gone Wild videos for just ten dollars. This includes Girls Gone Wild Spring Break and a..."
"Josh," I interrupt. "Josh, let me tell you. I'm 27 years old. A young man. I've just had a nice meal and I was settling in to watch some TV. I'm comfortable. I've got my remote. I was just about to watch some variety programs on the Mexican channel."
"Oh, you speak Spanish?" Josh asked to break the tension.
"No, Josh. I don't speak Spanish." I answered. "But, there are a lot of girls in bikinis dancing around on those shows, Josh. Do you know what I've got in my hand, Josh?"
"You wish, Josh. You wish."
"Sir," Josh bucked up and belted out. "I want to sell you some Girls Gone Wild videos."
"Let me ask you, Josh. Can those videos be here in the next 14 seconds?"
"Then you're going to have to land this plane, Josh."
"Sir, this isn't that kind of phone call."
"I know. I know, Josh. You've never flown before, the pilot is passed out drunk, and you're the only passenger with hands. Things are looking grim, Josh. But, the tower's on the radio, and he's going to talk you down, Josh."
"Sir, I've got to go. This is..."
"Josh. Reach down and grab the throttle, Josh."
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, September 29
XETV 8:00 p.m.
I have concluded I am the least hip person in Southern California. While I refuse to wear tight jeans and a black sweater, this is not what makes me so horribly un-hip. My love of straightforward dramatic rock music is what so deftly strips me of any air of detached irony. When asked by my roommates if I would like to go see the latest 14-year-old, autistic, Scandinavian play his harpsichord with a pair of scissors I politely decline. "If you put Queen back together and have Fall Out Boy open for them, then you'll have something for me." Terrible. Terrible taste in music.
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
OXYGEN 1:00 p.m.
Be a sweetie and wrap this awful show up, wouldja, Toots? Your husband'll find you another hobby when you get sick of cleaning the house.
Friday, September 30
2005 World Series of Poker
ESPN2 8:00 p.m.
My juvenile love of masturbatory jokes takes over whenever I hear the host announce, "Phil Ivey with an Ace Jack off suit." Heh. Heh.
Saturday, October 1
VH1 2:00 a.m.
Bonaduce's face gives me hives.
Connect With English
ITVS 3:30 p.m.
Instead of speaking in the third person, I've taken to peppering my speech with a little first-person plural. It's reprehensible. We know. We'll try to stop.
Sunday, October 2
The Al Franken Show
SUNDAE 9:00 a.m.
Franken couldn't be worse at this. While his information is solid and his tenacity to confront misinformation is admirable, his personality could induce torpor in the most frantic of viewers. A spoken-word session of his could tranquilize an entire circus.
Monday, October 3
IN1 2:30 p.m.
My friend Frenchy bit the bejeezus out of my shin in the wee hours of a heavy binge-drinking session. If you ever have to wrestle a gay guy, watch out; they'll resort to tactics normally reserved only for dogs and little girls. Feisty bastard.
Tuesday, October 4
USA 4:30 p.m.
Dennis Quaid listens in on the slow inevitable decline of his own popularity. In this gripping thriller, Quaid uses a ham radio in an attempt to prevent the murder of his own career.
Wednesday, October 5
QVC 6:00 p.m.
What? That doesn't even make sense. Oh, I get it. It's like incomprehensible French cinema. Who knew QVC was so progressive?
Thursday, October 6
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
CNBC 8:00 p.m.
My only question while watching this was Does Martha Stewart have a wang? I'm more feminine than she is, and I've got a beard.