Title: Blue Poetic
Address: http://bluepoetic.wordpress.com Author: Eric Williamson
From: University Heights
Blogging since: December 2006
Post Date: March 29, 2007
Post Title: 20 Worst Song Lyrics EVER! Being a poet, writer, artist, I ask, "Where have all the poets gone?" To pop music, of course. However, some of these esteemed wordsmiths could use a new thesaurus. So here is my list of the Top 20 Worst Song Lyrics EVER! I'll take your complaints (er...comments) at the end. 20. "If I was a sculptor/ But then again, no" -- Elton John's "Your Song" (lyrics by Bernie Taupin). Well, then, stop bringing it up! This line has been wasting everyone's time for three decades.
19. "Lucky that my breasts/ Are small and humble/ So you don't confuse/ Them with mountains" -- Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever." The woman makes a lot of sense. And lucky that Sacagawea wasn't more buxom, or Lewis and Clark might not have found the Pacific.
18. "I love you like/ A fat kid loves cake" -- 50 Cent's "21 Questions." Gangsta, schmangsta -- brotha should write Hallmark cards.
17. "There's an insect/ In your ear/ If you scratch/ It won't disappear" -- U2's "Staring at the Sun." It's sure hard to tell that U2 scrambled to finish their Popalbum. At least Bono didn't mention "driving rain. "
16. "Relentless lust of rotting flesh/ To thrash the tomb she lies/ Heathen whore of Satan's wrath/ I spit at your demise" -- Slayer's "Necrophiliac." Never mind 50 Cent, these guys should write Hallmark cards.
15. "Leaving was never my proud" -- R.E.M.'s "Leaving New York." Sorry, Michael, but I scoured all of my reference books, and "proud" just doesn't wash as a noun. Lions do live in prides, but I don't see the relevance.
14. "I ain't never seen/ An ass like that/ The way you move it/ You make my pee-pee go 'doing-doing-doing'" -- Eminem's "Ass Like That." Undoubtedly, poetic stuff, but do pee-pees really go "doing-doing-doing"?
13. "There were plants and birds and rocks and things" -- America's "Horse With No Name." Like in New York, nouns are scarce in the desert, and apparently these poor soft rockers simply ran out of them. Too bad they didn't consult Michael Stipe: "There were plants and birds and rocks and prouds."
12. "Time is like a clock in my heart" -- Culture Club's "Time (Clock of the Heart)." Awesome analogy. Time is soooo like a clock, because, well, it's freakin' time!
11. "I wish it was Sunday/ That's my fun day/ My I-don't-have-to-run day" -- The Bangles' "Manic Monday" (lyrics by Prince). I'm cool with the easy rhymes of Monday to Sunday, and even Sunday to fun day, but "I-don't-have-to-run day"? No. Now, Prince is just messing with you.
10. "I'm all out of faith/ This is how I feel" -- Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" (lyrics by Anne Preven). Can you say filler line? Like, oh, I get it; this is how you feel -- because it's been so darn long since you told us how you were all out of faith.
9. "Now you're amazed/ By the VIP posse/ Steppin' so hard/ Like a German Nazi" -- Vanilla Ice's "Play That Funky Music." Dude took the original song's "white boy" lyrics a little too literally. Good thing he specified German, though, because those Austrian Nazis were way too light on their feet.
8. "My panty line shows/ Got a run in my hose/ My hair went flat/ Man, I hate that" -- Shania Twain's "Honey I'm Home." Horribly trite stuff...but I do always enjoy the word "panty."
7. "I don't think that I've got the stomach/ To stomach calling you today" -- Saves the Day's "See You." And I'm betting that this clever emo fella doesn't have the eyes to eye you, the hands to handle you...or even the mouth to mouth your name. Oh, the humanity!
6. "Your butt is mine" -- Michael Jackson's "Bad." The worst opening line in pop history. However, I hear it's huge with the kids in Dubai.
5. "But if this ever-changing world in which we live in..." -- Paul McCartney and Wings' "Live and Let Die." Dangerous combination: Sir Paul having so much money and prepositional phrases being so cheap. Any junior-high English teacher would take points off for everything after "world."
4. "Young, black and famous/ With money hangin' out the anus" -- Puff Daddy and Mase's "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down." Sometimes, the only things more crude than slang terms are their anatomically correct counterparts.
3. "I don't like cities/ But I like New York/ Other places/ Make me feel like a dork" -- Madonna's "I Love New York." So, so true. Which is, of course, why Paris is so famously known as the City of Dorks.
2. "War is stupid/ And people are stupid" -- Culture Club's "War Song." Boy George again, and this time he's illin' like Bob Dylan. I wrote a song just like this in seventh grade, but the next line was, "And your mom is stupid."
And number 1... "Coast to coast/ L.A. to Chicago" -- Sade's "Smooth Operator." Sade was born in Nigeria and grew up in London, but her biggest hit reveals that she's clearly not a smooth navigator.
Post Date: March 19, 2007
Post Title: Overripe perfume and sweat
melons ripe to burst
peaches and pomegranates
nightshade and moonbloom
sweet treats cascade
Lazarus is still walking
CONTRIBUTORS William Crain, Dave Good, Larry Harmon, Michael Hemmingson, Ken Leighton, Ryan Loyko, Derek Plank, Eric Rife, Jay Allen Sanford