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FX 7:30 p.m. I've got an idea for a comic book. It's George Washington (or Abe Lincoln, if Washington's been done to death), and he's a crime fighter. His teeth are wood, but behind the fake wood veneers is a sort of cosmic metal stuff like the Silver Surfer. Obviously the British are his enemies; I think a famous Brit general can be his archenemy. His Brit archenemy is one of those guys with the really big foreheads who can talk to sea creatures. That's why he's stationed on a pirate ship just off the coast of Maine. Don't steal my idea, bastards.

Wednesday, August 9 Last Comic Standing

NBC 8:00 p.m. ...deserves a kick in the pants just like everyone else involved in this craperrific crapping machine.

Thursday, August 10 Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

BRAVO 8:00 p.m. I'm starting Straight Eye for the Queer Guy because, c'mon, you're still men. Half-act like one, would ya? Button your shirt, swap out that g-string for a pair of boxers, get rid of that damn fruity drink with the twisty straw and all the BS sticking out of the top of it. On the table before you sit a feather boa, a tube of lipstick, and an article on how to steal a car. Choose wisely, my friend. Choose wisely.

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