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UPN 13, 5:30 p.m.

When I was a kid, my mother and uncle could barely stand to be in the same room. Thanksgiving was a prime opportunity to air their grievances. When the shouting back and forth devolved into the vilest name-calling, my grandmother threw a vicious karate kick into the table to make a bang and get everyone's attention. The well-worn pull-out leaf fell through in the middle and dumped the turkey onto the kitchen tiles. I am, to say the least, sadly disappointed in Family Feud.

Psychic Detectives

COURT 44, 10:00 p.m.

Oh, what a load of malarkey. "I see a dead body, a shallow grave, a wooded area." Huh? I go on the assumption that if one were to hide a body, it would not be behind the couch or on a crowded city street. You want to impress me? Find the Cheeto I dropped in my lap that mysteriously disappeared when I stood up. Or explain why, out of numerous holes and nooks in my body, all the lint produced by my clothing is magically trapped by my belly button. Riddle me that, Batman.

Everwood

WB 5, 9:00 p.m.

I have a sixth-grade sense of humor. I cannot, with a straight face, say the title of this show. I have no idea what it's about. For all I know it showcases talented chemists with displaced father figures.

Tuesday, February 8 Kickboxer (1989)

SPIKE 45, 9:00 p.m.

In Kickboxer, Hollywood establishes European dominance over Asia once and for all. Future-governor Van Damme is called upon to reprise his role as the yowling, stretching, flexing, Aryan Asswhipper. In a baffling turn of events, Mr. Van Damme protects the life of his Mexican brother and professional kickboxer, Dennis Alexio. It doesn't get better than this, folks.

According to Jim

ABC 10, 9:00 p.m.

ABC should just be ashamed. Has Jim Belushi ever convinced a single soul that he is anything more than John's brother? The premise of this situation comedy is that slovenly men can bed a fox like Courtney Thorne-Smith, giving hope to unmotivated, untalented, fat losers everywhere.

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