Eva Knott 10:44 a.m., May 18
"Lonleliness, a constant friend--and lover--I know well." --Aisa, from "One Step Closer."
God only knows why...and He's not talking. When I am looking for love, it seems that Cupid keeps his arrows quivvered and his bow cased when around me. And that, my dears, makes me feel like I get what was coming to me.
Yes, it hurts to be alone...without any recourse to change what is going on. It's not sex that I'm seeking, mind you--that will come when the time-and-conditions are truly zen. What I seek is companionship, caring, and a lot of hugs. I wish I had a little friend here with me, but the bloody property management company seems to have something against pet owners. $300 deposit to keep a pooch, $200 for a kitty--and forget about rabbits, snakes, or rodents.
Some say that going to church might bring you a lover/friend, courtesy of God Himself. Sadly, this really is no longer the case. "You go to church to commune with God...not to find a lover. After all, God is still a jealous God...and in His house, you pay all attention to Him," according to Rev. Montgomery, who was the parish priest at St. Mary's Epicopal Church in Woodburn, Oregon (I spent three years as an acolyte there, from 1977-1979).
How about the local "meeting hole"? Go there, it's potluck time...you never know who--or what--you'll pick up. The fact that alcohol-and-Karaoke are also offerings there...ecce vaecors et amens ("Behold the besotted and brain-dead!" in Imperial Latin)!
How about "The Mighty Internet"? Not as easy as it looks. Even the least expensive dating services run about $30/month (though they do take debit cards). Plus, you really cannot know what the person is truly about. They may have the face of an angel...but the saddest truth is that you risk running into a narcissitic sociopath with mayhem on the mind.
Add to that the fact that I'm normally very awkward about meeting people to begin with. That's what hurts me. Of course, taking a bunch of garbage from a woman whom I thought loved me doesn't exactly do the heart any favors.
Still, I shed bitter tears over what could have been...as in me sucking bitter grass from the root end as I take a dirt nap. This loneliness, however, has gone on for far too long. Though I pray to God for relief, I know that some things, I have to do for myself.
Heck, I'm not a bad catch. I'm a terrific cook, highly intelligent, not too bad looking, very much a cuddle bug with the right person, have a sneaky-yet-dry sense of humor, and have a heart full of love that's there for the taking.
I often say that finding love is like fishing in your favorite lake...just keep at it, for you never need quit until you land one. Change out the lure and/or bait if needed, but keep at it!
Frustrating...but oh, so true!