Matthew Lickona 2:29 p.m., May 24
"Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Internet Rambo!!!"
"Falling off the Stratosphere Tower in Vegas after taking one too many shots of hard liquor while trashin' around!"
"Damn, that looked ugly... no wait, Internet Rambo is up and walking... he's one tough customer, that Internet Rambo!!!"
"Now, where was I? Oh, yeah..."
"Faster than a speeding Swift truck! Stronger than a cheap Chinese jack off the top shelf at f#$%g Walmart! Able to leap truck stop buffet tables with a running start... it's Internet Rambo!!!"
"Being a CB Rambo just wasn't enough... now Internet Rambo is takin' it to a whole new level!"
"Anything you've ever done in the transportation industry, Internet Rambo has done better!"
"Blind-side in the tightest hole ever seen in the Lower Bronx? Internet Rambo did it faster in high reverse, in a big ol' stretched-out Petercar with a 53' wagon, and he never even had to get out of the truck!"
"Jackknife on heller ice and actually manage to recover? Internet Rambo once slid sideways from Bangor, Maine, clear to the Texas Panhandle before straightening 'er out and gettin' on down the road... coops were all closed at the time, of course!"
"Topple a skid or two while rounding a corner? Internet Rambo solved that problem by putting the rig up on nine wheels so the freight slid right back into place... it even restacked and shrink-wrapped itself!"
"Get lucky with a good-looking fuel desk clerk? Internet Rambo has done them all, and he has done every lot lizard from coast to coast without ever wasting a dime on prophylactics!"
"Yesiree, that Internet Rambo is one salty customer, and he sure knows everything there is to know about trucking!"
"Don't f#% with Internet Rambo, or he might just school ya..."
"He's been backhand-bitchslappin' rookie drivers since dinosaurs roamed the earth... and he knows every form of martial arts ever invented!"
"He also knows how to administer a first-class drive-by @$$-whuppin' while rollin' down the interstate in high gear... using his laptop or smart phone!"
"You can run, but you just can't hide, even in a triple-digit truck!!! Internet Rambo's truck has been known to break the sound barrier, and he's the only driver who ever received a 'driving award' from the FAA!!!"
"So drivers, heed my advice, and don't f#% with Internet Rambo!!! I made that mistake once before, and my keyboard, CPU, and monitor are still bleeding!!!"
"There's only one way to save yourselves... don't f#% with Internet Rambo!!!"