Dorian Hargrove 2:30 p.m., April 18
- Community Blog
RE: F~CK ALCOHOL (Can't Stop Drinking)
your post was titled "F~ck Alcohol (can't stop drinking)" and you wrote:
I am an amazing drinker. I am composed of every race that drinks impressively. Now I drink alone now mostly. I hide my drinking like a pro. I never used to get hangovers until I started pushing forty. I was the life of the party in my twenties. . . alcohol fueled everything good. I snorted and puffed my way to very good times which are now sadly over. I left the parties behind but alcohol is everywhere. It's on TV and at dinner parties and in the supermarket when I'm trying to buy pickled green beans.
I can party alone with a fifth and a half-rack and it all comes back except now I have a lady who watches me slam into walls and pass out in random places. I'm a drink or two from losing her.
I have a good job. I'm serving honorably in the military. I'm in good health. The thing is that I drink alcohol and I want to stop. I just want to stop drinking, but the thing is that I am an Atheist and I can't F~cking stand AA. I go to SMART recovery meetings sometimes but they don't seem to help much. Everyone's such a pussy when it comes to sobriety. I've heard all your F~cking stories about being arrested and in the hospital. . . I've heard all that shit. I need someone who knows how to fix ME.
I'm about to lose everything and truth be told, I'm inclined to gas up my car and disappear. I can do it any time. I wish I could meet someone who I could call on when I'm about to drink again, who'd maybe even stop by and slap me in my face. I've suffered worse. I'm a tough nut to crack.
"I'm a riddle so strong, you can't break me." - Layne Staley
F~ck it, I'll just drink myself to death and leave Las Vegas. I really don't want to though. I deserve better. It shouldn't have to be like this.
TO WHICH I REPLY:
you can, but will you? i also had HUGE F~cking problems (and still do) with the whole 'god' aspect of a.a. but i had to utilize a.a. in order to stop drinking and drugging, so i did what i had to do. i rewrote the steps and traditions so that they worked for ME and not for the believers, among whom i am not. maybe there are one or more gods and monsters out there, i don't know, but having read pretty much all of the major religions' creation and other stories, i don't believe any of them. to each his/her own, including me. so, instead of 'god' i say 'higher power' and you know what my 'higher power' is? my conscience -- that part of me that knows that what i'm doing at any given moment is merely 'unhealthy' or downright wrong. for example, shoplifting -- i don't need for 'god' to 'guide me' and tell me that shoplifting is wrong -- my 'higher power' (my conscience) knows that and if i listen to it, it'll keep me in check. drinking/drugging? i don't have a 'god' so i can't rely upon a 'god' and don't really need a 'god' to help me or keep me from it. I MYSELF KNOW THAT IT'S UNHEALTHY for me because i am an alcoholic/addict and IF I DECIDE TO INGEST THE DRINK/DRUG, WHICH ONLY I CAN DO TO MYSELF -- NOBODY HAS EVER OR PROBABLY EVER WILL HOLD A F~CKING GUN TO MY HEAD AND FORCE ME TO DRINK/DRUG AND EVEN IF THEY TRY, I CAN TELL THEM, F~CK YOU, I'M DYING SOBER, SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD IF YOU WANT TO, I'M NOT F~CKING DRINKING/SNORTING/SMOKING, ARSE HOLE! well, if i decide to ingest what i know i shouldn't ingest unless i want to F~ck up my life even more than it may be F~cked up already (and there's nothing like alcohol and drugs to F~ck up an alcoholic/addict's life more than it already is at any given moment, eh?) if i decide to ingest, no god is going to knock that drink/drug out of my hand or expel it from my body, anyhow. ONLY I DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT I INGEST WHAT I INGEST whether it's eggs and bacon or ice cream or sodie pop or alcohol or other illicit non-prescribed-by-my-doctor-and-utilized-as-needed-as-directed-by-my-physician drug AND I CAN DO THAT WITH THE HELP OF MY HIGHER POWER -- MY CONSCIENCE, MY SENSE OF KNOWING RIGHT FROM WRONG (at least, right vs wrong FOR ME personally). agnostics and atheists helped build a.a. and have ALWAYS been an important part of it but agnostics and atheists have a way of not being heavily represented in any organization or culture or country or time because, while we've always existed and always will, we never have and doubtless never will have the kind of numbers (or impact) that get us noted and noticed and written about, but that's only because most human beings believe in the god(s) and monster(s) they've been taught to believe in (why is it that for HUNDREDS of years THOUSANDS if not MILLIONS of human beings believed in zeus but now, NOBODY DOES? why are there almost no human beings who have switched from believing in the abrahamic judeo-christian/muslim god to zeus or to vishnu or lord rama or 'the great spirit' of the american indians? why is it that modern-day christians, esp in the west, don't abide most of the 'old testament' bs about women being unclean when they menstruate and men sinning if they shave their beards and men must marry their brothers' widows etc and don't believe most of the biblical magic but still believe that the only god who ever existed or ever will -- despite all of the other gods whom others believe in -- who apparently has always existed and always will (but where did 'god' come from, mommy? why, my child, 'god' simply ALWAYS existed and ALWAYS will. . .') and that 'he' announced 'his' existence and the manner in which 'he' created the world etc etc and the do's and don'ts etc etc ONLY TO ABRAHAM AND NOBODY ELSE ON THE PLANET (kind of like a man returning to his home town to tell ONE of his children that he's his dad and all about the family history etc as well as the riches he'll inherit if he believes and does this and that but not that and this etc BUT DOESN'T TELL ANY OF THE OTHER DOZEN KIDS -- AND THEN ON TOP OF IT, tells ALL of his kids that UNLESS THEY BELIEVE IT -- despite the FACT that he's allowed them to make up their own family stories and to believe that other men are their dad -- HE TELLS THEM ALL THAT UNLESS THEY BELIEVE WHAT HE JUST TOLD JUST ONE OF THEM but not the rest of them (because he didn't bother to appear to them all or tell them all that he's their dad etc) well, then they just don't get the riches he's got and in fact, not only do they not get the riches he's got to offer -- they're actually going to burn horrifically in hell for all of eternity. nice dad, huh? geez, what a great god. almost all human beings believe in the religious concepts they were taught as children and which all of their family and friends and countrymen also believe. but there ARE agnotics and atheists and we DO exist in a.a. and we DO deal as best we can with the 'god aspect' of a.a. and we DO get sober and STAY sober and we DO have our own meetings:
i went online and googled agnostic alcoholics anonymous and found these two websites: http://www.aa-atheists.com/find-atheist-aa-groups/ and http://www.agnosticaanyc.org/worldwide.html
in san diego, the following are listed:
We Agnostics University Heights 1730 Monroe Avenue Sunday 4:30 p.m.
Freethinkers Steps and Traditions Study North Park Recreation Center 4044 Idaho St, San Diego, California Wednesday 6:30 p.m.
Freethinkers Meeting 3340 Kemper St. #208 (Recovery Facility: Mental Health Systems Inc.) Thursday 7 p.m.
i intend to go to the first one listed, which is at the 'live and let live alano club' on monroe off of park blvd around the corner and across the street from the park blvd 'lestat's' coffee house. fyi it's a gay meeting house, if that makes any difference to you. as for me, when it comes to sobriety, frankly, I don't care if it's a F~cking baptist haven -- if I need a.a., I need a.a. and i do.
meanwhile, my name is chris and I'm an alcoholic/addict agnostic with 14 yrs clean and sober and believe me, if I can do it, I honestly believe that ANYBODY and EVERY alcoholic and addict can also do it -- the question, again, of course, is: will you do it?
it's up to you, but I can tell you that you absolutely can get by and get sober with a little help from your alcoholic/addict friends (even though you may not know yet that you've got them or who they are) who ALL know what it is to want to stop while believing that we can't seem to. Believe me, dude, there is probably NOTHING you're experiencing that others haven't and NOTHING you could probably say that we haven't heard before and will hear again -- in fact, if you commit yourself to attend ONE a.a. meeting TODAY -- REGARDLESS OF THE GOD(S) AND MONSTER(S) WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE -- and COMMIT TO ATTENDING ONE of the agnostic/atheist meetings listed above, and DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY IN ORDER TO NOT DRINK AT THIS MOMENT [including going to your commanding officer and telling him/her what's going on because today's military knows that, just like the rest of society and its organizations, it has a HUGE number of people who have alcohol/drug addiction issues and is fully prepared to HELP without judging or harming either you or your career (you might actually be shocked at the number of military guys and gals in non-military a.a. meetings these days)] then you'll be okay AT THIS MOMENT and have a pretty god damned good shot at being more than okay, being actually all right and even pretty good and then pretty damned good and even happy, in the days and weeks and months and years to come. life is lived one second at a time (not even one day at a time -- i mean, i don't know about you, but i'm not living all of today right at this very second, you know what i mean?) -- so, for this second in time, DO WHAT'S NECESSARY IN ORDER TO NOT INGEST THE ALCOHOL and get to a F~cking meeting, okay? if you do ONLY that much, i PROMISE you that you'll do better and FEEL better than if you don't. so man up, eh?
contact me directly at [redacted] if you like. i'm here for you because i'm an alcoholic/addict and apparently, you are too, and i honestly believe that i can help you out in the same way that others helped me out, and continue to. but, again, it's up to you.
good luck. seriously.