Walter Mencken 9 a.m., May 23
- Community Blog
Ways to Kill Your Chances in an Interview
From both my own as well as my brothers' experiences, here are a few other tips to follow which are not included in the article "6 ways to kill your chances in an interview" located @ http://msn.careerbuilder.com/Article/MSN-3262-Interviewing-6-ways-to-kill-your-chances-in-an-interview/?SiteId=cbmsn43262&sc_extcmp=JS_3262_advice:
(1) When shaking the interviewer's hand, do not do that thing where you tickle the palm of their hand with your middle finger – straight male interviewers in particular seem to find this off-putting.
(2) Regardless of the gender or sexuality of the interviewer (straight male interviewers in particular) do not share family members' or friends' personal information (such as, "My college roommate was transgender!") as a means of ingratiating yourself with the interviewer, who will find it either off-putting or obsequious.
(3) Do not use the word "obsequious" during your interview. Nobody knows what it means until it's either explained to them or they look it up @ www.Dictionary.com and, regardless of the gender or sexuality of the interviewer, they will find it either off-putting or obsequious.
(4) If you do use the word "obsequious" during your interview and the interviewer doesn't know what it means, explain the definition of the word to them instead of simply pointing out that they're sitting right in front of a pc with an internet connection and that the website address is w, w, w, dot, d, i, c [(because that's what you'll come across as – in addition to off-putting (but not obsequious – which is actually a plus but will not be enough of one)].
(5) If you do use the word "obsequious" during your interview and the interviewer doesn't know what it means, explain the definition of the word to them and let them know that you didn't know what it meant either until your little brother explained it to you. This will create a subconscious bond between you and the interviewer which will be broken immediately if you follow that statement with the observation, “He’s transgender, too,” because (a) he’s not, and (b) seriously, I need to provide a “(b)”?
(6) If at any point during the interview, the interviewer tells you, “My eyes are up here,” do not smile and giggle and reply, “Yeah, but your breasts/pecs are down there.” (Unless it’s a GBLT kinda thang.)
(7) If your interview is conducted at a coffee shop or restaurant, do not order a GBLT sandwich. Unless it’s a GBLT kinda thang. But even if so, do not pronounce it sammidge, sammich, samwich, sangwich, or sang-gwuich. Unless, of course, it is.
(8) If your interview is conducted at a coffee shop or restaurant and you’ve ordered a GBLT sandwich and the interviewer doesn’t get it, just tell him or her that it stands for “Great Bacon-Lettuce-and-Tomato” sandwich and don’t embarrass yourself by ordering the turkey bacon because everybody knows that’s not bacon, it’s just a strip of turkey fried in bacon fat.
(9) If your interview is conducted at an IHOP, just get the pancakes, dickhead.
(10) Regardless of how well the interview has gone and how certain you are that you’ve got the job, HOLD IN YOUR GAS until you are safely back inside of your own home because it’s a small world, after all.
Finally, if at any point during the application, interview, or orientation process, you discover that you have anything or anyone in common with any individual at the organization, DO NOT actually SING and perform “It’s A Small World After All” no matter how much your kids or grandkids or nieces and nephews or cabana boy always enjoy it. And do not mention your cabana boy. Or how much he enjoys it.
Now, Go Get ‘Em, Tiger!