Dave Rice 7:21 a.m., May 21
If you want to fall asleep at will, there are several very easy tips I can share that will have you snoozing and snorting like a comatose overfed puppy. First make a list of all the lonely people you know, that you would normally avoid.
Invite them to breakfast at a busy country meal sort of dive. Order those biscuits and gravy, and just eat the gravy- proudly and openly. Savor every artery clogging spoonful. Pretend to listen to the lonely people at your table while licking your plate clean.
Scrape any excess gravy off the biscuit and open 2 little foil wrapped packets of 100% butter- slather one on the cut side of each piece which you have attempted to split in half manually so of course one side is 2/3 biscuit and the other 1/6th plus a lot of pasty crumbs on the countertop.
No coffee, no tea, even herbal tea.
As your eyelids begin to droop and your brain gasps for oxygen cut off by the river of gravy slowly making its way through your system, excuse yourself and duck out the back door, then cross at the signal and slip into the dive bar across the street. Order a decaf Irish coffee with a double shot. Add a full cup of shaved ice, and when it becomes boring and tepid; sip it all down with a stir straw in one long sucking exercise.
This will probably make you nauseous, so make a quick trip to the restrooms to clean out your system. The physical act of gagging and the horrible taste in your mouth should be enough to make you want to lie down for a moment, so return to the main bar and find an unoccupied upholstered booth which should be easy at this time of the morning.
If it is not, and you recognize people, find another venue where you have a bit more anonymity so that your rest will be uninterrupted. After a short nap, you will probably feel a little groggy from the Irish and the greasy gravy. Stand up, and without making eye contact make your way into the sunlight and head for your car.
Pull out into traffic without thinking and control the steering wheel with your right knee aided by your nose should you encounter a speed bump. Laugh at yourself quietly as you swerve recklessly into the center parking lot and lose control of the steering wheel for a moment.
Leave the car running, the keys in the ignition, and climb out the window so that you won’t hear that stupid beeping sound and wake up completely. Try to be alert enough to make sure that the doors are sliding open in front of your favorite supermarket. Seek out the gourmet cheese aisle, and quickly grab a small packet of hard cheese and bag of olive bread.
Pay the cashier, if you must, and return to your car, ducking behind other vehicles if you spot, from a distance, your lonely friend scanning the alleyway from the back door of your breakfast joint. Grab a hunk of bread, mush it up with your gums and swallow it without chewing. Bite off a piece of cheese with your front teeth and manipulate it until it disintegrates.
Get out of your car and head for home carefully maintaining your balance on the uneven blacktop. Be sure to grab your keys out of the ignition, so no one will notice how long it stays there. At the first driveway, lean to your left and gently lie down in the bike lane- making sure that the lines are not broken. Cars are not allowed by law to drive over those lines. We all have to have faith in humanity to survive.
By this time you should feel the carbs from the bread and the lactose from the cheese sucking up the last of the oxygen that is keeping your eyes open. If you are on the freeway, feel free to remain in the car, but try to find a rest stop so you don’t get a ticket.
If you find that the above strategies have had the opposite of their intended effect, use your local demographic knowledge to find a random herd of bicyclists usually found gathering in small groups on the blacktop in front of coffee houses or bike shops. Look for skinny men in leotards, anti perspirant oozing out of tiny holes in color paneled shirts and weird golf shoes with spikes.
Ideally you will find you are near the finish line of an iron man triathlon, but if your timing or location is not prime, a full marathon will do. It is also helpful to keep a calendar of this sort of testosterone driven sporting activities in your smart phone, so that you have more control over your naps.
Plant yourself on a nearby bench or lean against a plate glass window, or if a more sanitary choice is not available, perch on the edge of the sidewalk, your butt cheeks just kissing the red curb. Listen to the conversation, if you can call it that. Look at the girls, not a curve on them, just muscle, no boobs no belly, sunken cheek bones. Look at the men, expensive haircuts, tiny penises, and shapely calves.
Ponder whether the men in these groups are really interested in the men, because they are more attractive than the women and they spend an awful lot of their spare time dedicated to the herd or frolicking naked in hot tubs- or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Maybe it is a form of birth control. This strategy is almost fool proof for non-athletes who in less than five minutes will be completely bored and nodding off.