Jeff Smith 8 p.m., Aug. 30
- Community Blog
- San Elijo Beach A.K.A Stretch Mark Beach
GT Is My Gay Bicycle
San Elijo State Beach A.K.A. Stretch Mark Beach
GT: We are passing Stretch Mark Beach, which is noted for Cardiff mothers visiting with their lair in the mornings and early afternoons.
Dr. Bill: Does this beach really deserve its name? Do women at this beach have more stretch marks than those that go to other nearby beaches?
GT: You’re a social scientist. We could find a number of women with stretch marks, count the number of stretch marks on each and find the average number of stretch marks of woman on this beach. Then we could compare with other beaches.
Dr. Bill: Right, we will interview them and see how stretch marks relate to age, number of children, weight and other demographics. Wow, I can see our names in print Dr. Bill and GT.
GT: I have a queation why is it never GT and Dr. Bill?
Dr. Bill: OK, alright, this time GT and Dr. Bill
We stop and I take a walk to find research subjects. I approach my first research subject wearing a bikini, She is 30 or so years old, with a young child of four digging in the sand with a little shovel.
Dr. Bill: My name is Dr. Lombardo. I am doing behavioral research on people who come to this beach. How much do you weigh?
Subject 1: I don’t think that is any of your business, sir?
Dr. Bill: That’s fine. But I do need to examine and count your stretch marks, please?
Subject One: Get away from here now or I am calling the police.
I approached my second subject eager to take science a small step forward.
Subject Two: What are you some kind of pervert? Lifeguard, this man is annoying me.
It seemed odd to be so soundly rejected in the first two interviews, but science must move forward.
Subject Three: I just dialed 911. Go away!
Dr. Bill: GT, This seems to be too sensitive a topic to adequately research. I think that we must desist or risk arrest for being a Pervert on Beach. Let’s scram.
GT: So many people are blind to the needs of science. It is so sad that we may never know the truth about Stretch Mark Beach.