Brandon Hernández 9 a.m., Dec. 9
Today's Runner-Up gets to be so for two reasons:
1: The use of graveyard industry lingo ("double-depth" burial, anyone?)
2: The insistence that the deal be done cash only, cartel style.
It's not creepy, it's business!
Moving on from six feet under (disambiguation), let's have us a winner!
Too sweet for a price, the Victor Book of the Opera is "just one book, but it would be great for the right person." Interesting sales strategy, very interesting indeed.
So interesting, it gives me an idea: after traveling back in time to the Golden Age of Opera1, I shall produce a masterpiece worthy of inclusion in the Victor Book of the Opera.
Cast of Characters
Mercutio: Stolen from Romeo and Juliet, Mercutio wants nothing more than to be returned to Padua. That and a good party with plenty of duels.
Tiffany: Valley Girl. Used to be an actor (was an extra in Clueless. Suffers from delusions that she is really Emma Woodhouse (whether this is from being in the movie is unknown).
Quasimodo: Everybody's favorite hunchback makes his stage debut. No longer confined to his belfry, Quasimodo has undertaken the uphill battle of ending anti-Roma sentiment in continental Europe through strict appeal to the EU and a grassroots campaign in three major cities.
Abraham Lincoln: Confused and wandering in a sort of anomie after his assassination, Lincoln is convinced that he just wants to get home to Kansas, if only he could find his ruby slippers.
Spiderman (Ultimate Incarnation): Sexually frustrated teen superhero who can't face the fact of his inability to fix the world's problems. Confused about his role in the opera as there is no Green Goblin to battle.
Amelia Earhart: Furious that Hilary Swank will play her in the movie (Earhart had been hoping for Angelina Jolie, for reasons entirely her own), Amelia hopes to use the plot of the opera to extract her revenge on a certain cadre of Hollywood producers.
The Story, in brevis
Lincoln wanders through Alberta, Canada seeking Kansas, wherein he encounters Earhart, who is looking for Hollywood. Together, they agree to fly away from Canada and towards their respective destinations.
Still seeking absolution, the Lincoln/Earhart team find themselves in Rome where, in a small trattoria, the duo encounters Mercutio and Spiderman. Initially at odds with each other over political differences (Spiderman voted for Perot), the two teams reconcile and forge a stronger alliance to seek out Kansas, Hollywood, and sixteenth-century Padua together. Spiderman volunteers to protect the group from the Green Goblin.
London. Quasimodo and Tiffany (the Pepper Potts to 'Modo's Tony Stark) meet with British business executives to discuss a joint venture to protect the rights of the Roma peoples and to establish a trust fund for Jane Fairfax. Delighted by Tiffany's impeccable, Regency manners (though perplexed by her periodic lapses into valley girl dialect), but horrified by 'Modo's appearance, the British executives tell the two that securing British interests in American agricultural futures is the best way to prove their earnestness in pursuing a relationship with the executives.
MEANWHILE: Earhart, Lincoln, Mercutio, and Spiderman battle sky pirates over the Atlantic.
Quasimodo and Tiffany arrive in Lawrence, KS with the intention of representing British business interests. Team Lincoln/Earhart/Mercutio/Spidey arrive at the same time. All are amazed to find Kansas has been conquered by Venusian zombie dragons. Teaming up to liberate prevent the undead, proto-saurian conquest of the American Midwest, all characters unite in their shared struggle. Quasimodo falls in the heat of battle, but not before delivering a heartbreaking final number. Romance between Spiderman and the devastated Tiffany is inevitably kindled by zombie dragonfire. Mercutio tames a zombie dragon and rides it through time and space to his Paduan homeland, just in time to be killed by Tybalt. In time, the Venusian zombie dragons are defeated.
Act V In the aftermath of the Great Zombie Dragon War, Spiderman and Tiffany decide to settle into the lifestyle of the country gentry, their only concern the date of the next ball (barring the return of the Green Goblin). Lincoln, having grown close to Earhart over the course of the opera, stands alone in a cornfield as she takes her leave of him and flies off for Hollywood. Lincoln's closing aria is described in the Victor Book of the Opera as, "the single greatest piece of music ever composed or performed."
1. Yes, I just coined the term. I do like opera, in case you were wondering. My favorites are Il Trovatore and Carmen.