Ian Pike noon, Dec. 8
Valentine’s Day. Some love it, most hate it, either way it is always the beginning of the end for most people. You don’t get flowers you know the guy clearly isn’t as into you and you rethink the four hours after the bar where you met him, planning your wedding in your head (even thought you have known him for a week) or you go out with a hot stud and realize that the crazy single lifestyle that consisted of flirting for that round of Jagerbombs for you and your friends could be coming to an end, one googly-eye look at a time. Either way, Valentine’s Day always provides a rollercoaster of emotions which I always enjoy watching.
This year however, it seemed that it was much less about flowers, candy, and sunsets but rather lame ass text messages that state “Happy V-Day” followed by a sob story about how they would be out but that they “don’t have a valentine”, bear in mind it is 10:30 p.m. on Valentines Day night.
Here’s what I have to say to that. Get a life you sorry excuse for a man. Don’t kid yourself and think any girl would feel bad for you; especially in a town where the girl to guy ratio is 3-1. You are a dumbass and you will not be getting any action that night or any night in the future. Text messaging in general is a joke, but due to our love of technology and fear of any type of real rejection or awkward moments we all tend to go the safest route…which lends itself to the impersonal text message and e-mail.
While a lot of girls look at these texts and think, “you’re a tool, c-ya later pal” there is a large portion of the female population that jump on that text message like it is there last chance to use any type of technological device. To these girls I say, get a life you are a sorry excuse for a woman. This “great guy” that you make excuses to your friends about doesn’t like you and won’t ever like you.
Your “great guy” fits into one of these categories, 1. Player Paul – he really thinks, why spend money on a date with one girl when I would go out with my buddies, get loaded, and have my pick of single ladies? But ends up texting you because his friends are going out with their girlfriends and now he has nothing to do. 2. Drunk Derek – ok say maybe he is a nice, fun, and outgoing guy, but shave that away and he has been drinking since noon and it is very possible that he is the guy you drove by on your way home from the gym that was giving out high fives to people on the sidewalk…at 2 in the afternoon. Lastly, 3. One-Time Tom – this guy is “different”. Instead of texting at 10:30 p.m. he texted at 3:00 p.m. asking you to dinner with smiley faces. Of course he must really care and want to go out with you, I mean he was obviously thinking of you and that must mean that he wants to see you because he went out of his way to ask you to dinner.
Derek, Paul, and Tom are all after one thing: Sex. They do not want any type of a relationship outside of your sheets. They do not want long talks about your life ambitions, family history, and they certainly do not want to start planning out trips and outings. If you are a girl who was fallen for one of these humble dude-bro’s, poor yourself a drink and move on. Do not text him, do not ask him to sporting events, and don’t invite him to you cousin Alice’s wedding in August. Instead, embrace your singleness as a way to save money by flirting for that round of drinks. Listen, at some point you will turn forty and flirting for those drinks isn’t cool; it is creepy and even more pathetic than waiting on text messages. So, go buy yourself a new outfit, walk into that bar like you own the place, and remember that your life is yours, and shouldn’t be planned you life by some machine that rings and vibrates.