Vincent Farnsworth 6:31 p.m., Dec. 4
A Visit to the Doctor
Concerned Yes doctor, thank you for taking my call. We come to you via a referral from one of His most ardent readers, you see, she’s very concerned. And quite frankly, we’ve all been for some time. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve forwarded some of His work to you and hope that you’ve had some time to read them. It doesn’t take much to get through them, now does it? This latest blurb has upset even His strongest supporters, and we’re all wondering if you can help us understand, where does all this come from?
Years ago, when He first surfaced, the works were innocent enough, silly little surf stories, or stories of imaginary little creatures. But now, things have gone too far. He seems focused on the sexually deprived and goes so far as poking fun at those of us employed by mass retailers. Why, we all deserve a job! So, if I may please begin our session.
Concerned Doctor, let’s get the obvious out on the table right off the bat; what makes Him write these things in the first place?
Doctor Yes Concerned, the obvious question often finds us searching for the most difficult answer. But from my professional experience, and years analyzing the creative mind, one common thread weaves amongst them all. That is the need for recognition, an audience shall we say, an amphitheater filled with admirers of His skill and wit. And I think this is why you get these unsolicited e-mails delivering the next electronic strafing.
Concerned Well doc, He’s weird enough as it is. Why does he need more attention?
Doctor From His history, the long-term marriage and then living out on the vineyard, quite isolated, it’s like that time alone allowed Him to reconnect with His true self, and enabled His creative juices to flow like a merlot. In fact, didn’t you say you believed many of his works might have been wine induced? Often the alcohol frees us from inhibitions, makes us seem grander than reality. Like I even believe I can dance after a few cocktails. Well, He just may believe He can write after a few glasses of wine. Beyond that, my thesis on creative energy illustrated that artists of all medium, be it painting, sculpture, music or writing, have a desire to be seen or heard. They seek acknowledgement of their work, criticism, applaud or distain; they just want to know that people have seen their accomplishment.
Concerned Geez Doc, why doesn’t He just get a job writing newspaper gossip columns or something, or try and get an article published in……………. well, I am not sure who’d print His stuff, but shouldn’t He at least try?
Doctor Again, you’ve asked the obvious. Connecting what He does with a publisher may be well outside His comfort zone; He may have no experience in finding the right avenue for His stuff.
Concerned Now you’re onto something Doc. Who would publish this stuff anyway? I don’t think Mad Magazine would take it, do you? Ha, Ha.
Doctor Now don’t be too critical. I know He could write a technical manual in a heartbeat. I haven’t seen anything in a pure journalist form. This could maybe be something for Him to pursue, like a Dear Abby column. Let’s face it; personal columns sell a lot better than manuals on overhauling aircraft engines or killing weeds in a vineyard. I just want my airplane to be one time and my glass of cabernet from a great vintage. I’ve always got time to read some sex filled, human-interest story. Just don’t tell my wife, ha, ha.
Okay Doc, I see your point.
Doctor Since you’re paying for this session, and we’ve still time left, let’s talk about some of his writings in particular. Any questions about the things you sent me, like “Yolanda” or “Rattler”. These two have very different in themes.
Concerned Sure Doc, you’re the expert, let’s hear it.
Doctor This time the obvious is just that, freaking obvious. Pardon the less than professional language. “Yolanda” illustrates His apparent sexual deprivation, His longing for physical connectedness and love. Even though you say He’s never met Yolanda, He has a definite picture of her affixed in His creative center. His pairing her up with this less than a full deck guy shows the depth of His despair. I doubt seriously that He suffers from depression; He’s got this need to share His desires with others in a rather strange way.
Concerned That’s totally freaky man. I am changing my email address. I can’t take any more of His stuff. Tell Him to stop or I’ll call the cops.
Doctor Okay fine; that’ll be $200.