Jeff Smith 1 p.m., Oct. 1
Late to the Filner party
But hey, everybody else is having fun with it, so...
Yeah, yeah, people have seen Filner and Goldsmith together in the same room. But I still like this notion.
Yes, yes, your first thought is, "Wait a second, Lickona. You've got Filner in the role of the Narrator, which means that Goldsmith is Tyler Durden, and that don't make no sense. Plus, you've gone and left Pitt's face on the poster. Squirrel hair aside, Jan Goldsmith does not look like Brad Pitt."
On the left, Pitt circa Inglourious Basterds. Center, Goldsmith. Right, Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Try to tell me that Goldsmith isn't a fantastic midpoint between those two Pitts. Just try. Shut up, I'm not listening.
As for your first point, yeah, that's right. Goldsmith has to be the narrator. Durden has to be the shadow self he lets out only behind closed doors and at closed session City Council meetings. We have to switch up our notions, turn it more towards conventionally handsome Jekyll and rapacious/repulsive but strangely sexually powerful Hyde. Then we pull a few bits from the film, which should probably be retitled Flirt Club, and let the good times roll.
Filner: All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I dominate like you wanna dominate, I grab like you wanna grab, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free to get with the honeys in all the ways that you are not.
Filner: Welcome to Flirt Club. The first rule of Flirt Club is: you do not talk about Flirt Club. The second rule of Flirt Club is: you DO NOT talk about Flirt Club! Third rule of Flirt Club: someone yells "stop!", pushes you away, files a lawsuit, goes to the press, flirt's over. Fourth rule: only two gropes to a flirt. Fifth rule: one lady at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: no panties, no problem. Seventh rule: flirts will go on as long as they have to - I don't care if she turns into a great-grandmother before you're finished. And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first time at Flirt Club, you have to do the Filner dance.
Narrator: Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to grope you?
Filner: C'mon, do me this one favor.
Filner: Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been groped. You?
Narrator: No, but that's a good thing.
Filner: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself, you've never been in groped? I don't wanna die without any scars on my psyche. So come on; grope me before I lose my nerve.
Narrator: This is crazy.
Filner: So go crazy. Let 'er rip.
Narrator: I don't know about this.
Filner: I don't either. Who gives a shit? No one's watching. What do you care?
Narrator: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to grope you?
Filner: That's right.
Narrator: What, like on the butt?
Filner: Surprise me.
Narrator: This is so fucking stupid...
[Narrator reaches out, pinches Filner's nipple]
Filner: Motherf*cker! You twisted my nipple!
Narrator: Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.
Filner: Ow, Christ... why the nipple, man?
Narrator: Guess I fucked it up...
Filner: No, that was perfect!
More like this:
- Off the record: city attorney and U-T reporters — Jan. 16, 2014
- Jan Goldsmith scrambling to change City Charter to make recalling Filner easier back in early May — July 27, 2013
- Jan Goldsmith's "Hair": "Bob Filner sexually harassed me." — July 26, 2013
- In wake of allegations, local strip club begins offering "Filner dance" — July 17, 2013
- A closer look at Brad Pitt's ad for Chanel No. 5 — Oct. 15, 2012