Ian Pike noon, Dec. 8
The crowd was particularly restless during last night's screening of Alex Cross, the first actor-for-hire job Tyler Perry has accepted.
It remains unclear what exactly the woman seated to my left had in her purse. All I know is it was some kind of food substance and whenever she reached into her bag it sounded like she was unwrapping Christmas presents.
The crinkler was the least of my worries what with the roadshow cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo parked directly behind me. You should have heard them lowing before the movie. Short of strapping on a megaphone, Momma Boo saw to it that even the folks planted in the cheap seats could hear her robust opinions.
"Cloud Atlas, she bellowed, "has got to be a great movie. It stars Tom Hanks and he never makes bad movies."
It took all the strength I could muster to resist turning around and screaming, "Angels and Demons, Forrest Gump, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Offensive."
I missed a Presidential debate for this?
The first few minutes of the feature played in silence. It happens. There was something amusing about audience members dubbing in the "bang" and "crash" sounds. The screen went black and it took a minute or so before the projectionist figured out the proper button to push to make the damn thing work.
Don't think the cement mixer to my rear was through having fun. "Watch out," she bellowed once the film was re-started. "He's about to pull a gun on you." I turned and in a quiet but firm voice asked, "You are not going to talk back to the screen during the entire feature?"
It was two minutes before a "bang" slipped out from between her delicate lips. "The first time it was a question," I growled. "You are not going to talk back to the screen during the entire feature!"
It worked! Aside from a few chuckles and chomps, she sat quietly for 101 minutes.
Be careful what you wish for. The dialog in the film is such that at one point I actually found myself becoming wistfully nostalgic for the running commentary.
More like this:
- 4th row center: King Kong — July 2, 2013
- 4th row center: Zombie Strippers — June 7, 2013
- Ashley Judd makes history! — March 28, 2013
- Tips on how to survive a kiddie matinee — Oct. 4, 2012
- The Dirty Dozen: Twelve Ways Not to Behave in a Movie Theatre — June 24, 2011