Walter Mencken 9 a.m., May 23
Comedian Fred Willard Pulls a Pee-Wee Herman
The future of Fred Willard's participation in a Wall-E sequel rests firmly in his hand.
The 78-year-old (!) character actor, comedian, and Shaker Heights, Ohio native was arrested Wednesday night after he was caught masturbating in Hollywood's Tiki Theatre on Sunset Blvd. He was booked on a charge of lewd conduct at around 8:45 p.m. and released a short time later.
It's bad enough to lose Pee-Wee Herman and Kony 2012 co-creator Jason Russell to the lure of public self-pollution. Did it have to be the durable star of such big and small screen delights as Firmwood Tonight, Fun With Dick (and Jane), Best to Show, Idle Hands, and Wiener Park?
It is not clear exactly what film Willard was watching when the cops decided to make a "random walk-through" of the "theater." TMZ offers 3 choices: Follow Me 2," The Client List, and Step Dad No. 2.
I'm banking on The Client List. Willard is a purist. He would never watch a sequel without first consulting the original.
Who even knew porn theatres still exist? Haven't home video and adult websites like TechnicolorTramps.com or ScorseseFetish.org forever rendered them obsolete? Why spill your seed in public when you can just as easily void in the privacy of your own home?
Look, I enjoy open onanism as much as the next guy or gal, but I don't have over 200 film and television roles to my credit. People probably wouldn't be able to put a name to the face, but everyone who owns a TV set has at one time or another seen Fred Willard. Think of the voice-over money, Fred. Parents generally don't like their kids being entertained by men who fondle their exposed genitals, even in impolite company.
Good luck, funnyman. All of us at The Big Screen are pulling for you!
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