Brandon Hernández 1 p.m., March 28
VIDEO: Violently Insane Bob Hope Interferes With Jimmy Stewart's Thought Patterns
Bob Hope: world's most beloved comedian or violently insane ventriloquist bent on tampering with Jimmy Stewart's thought patterns and American freedom of speech?
Bob Hope first started talking to me though mom and dad's Philco when I was still in diapers. (None of your smart cracks about adult diapers. This is serious stuff!)
I'll spare you the years of ignoble humiliation and cerebral decimation I've endured all in the name of a few televised laughs and cut to the chase: Bob Hope is more dangerous dead than he ever was alive.
Hope was set to leave us in January of 2001 after helping to inaugurate the second reign of the anti-Christ, but was kept alive until after war was waged against Iraq. (President Bush declared war on Iraq on March 18, 2003 and Mr. Hope was finally taken from us on July 23, 2003.)
Am I the only one who finds it odd that "Hope" and "Mitt" have 4 letters in their names and both Bob and Romney had secretaries named Lincoln Kennedy? Coincidence? I think not.
For years I've been trying to alert the general public to Hope's government-backed overthrow of American households one stale joke at a time. No one would listen until now.
The following clip, taken from the 1991 NBC Special Bob Hope's Yellow Ribbon Shitacular, was dispatched from a remote location in Fort Wayne, Indiana from a man we will refer to only as "Colonna." What you will soon see aired only once. It has been excised from every subsequent video pressing.
Moving from Chicago to San Diego placed me closer to Hope's Toluca Lake and Palm Springs Earth Stations. Fearing it might hamper my ability to enjoy a life so close to the epicenter, I entrusted "Colonna" with the only surviving copy outside of Hope's personal joke vault. With Hope disciple Mitt Romney eager and ready to do to America what Bob did to Marilyn Maxwell, I felt the time was right to share it with you my readers, or at least the 3 of you that made it this far in the post.
While delivering a sub-Robert Riskin riff on Mr. Smith Goes to Baghdad, thrown together by Bob's well-paid stable of writers, madman Hope has poor Jimmy Stewart so onygaboodle that he actually refers to Saddam Hussein's followers as "misguided people bamboozled by a monster who deserves the same kind of sentimental farewell they gave to Hitler and "Mausoleum." Idn't than nutty? And wait until you hear slow-tongued Stewart punch "bam-BOO-zled." It's certain to have had an influence on Spike Lee.
Legendary director Ernst Lubitsch once said, "There are a million places to put the camera, but in truth, there is only one." The moment in question comes when, for a brief few moments, we are allowed to see the monster without his shell. Instead of a fixed close-up on Stewart, the cameraman strapped on a wide lens allowing viewers a rare glimpse of Hope using abnormal thinking processes to introject logic, reason, and open reflection all the while projecting others' egos.
Either that or the doddering old fool was so used to living a life scrawled before him that his lips began to move whenever he came within fifty-feet of a cue card.
What you are about to see will thrill you. It may even shock you. It might even horrify you. If any of you feel that you do not care to subject your nerves to such a strain, now is your chance to...well, I warned you.
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