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Remember these sparkly, cheaply made, kiddie surgical gowns that came boxed in one-ply cardboard? They were designed from the world's cheapest fabric; one slight shift of the apothecary would result in an irreparable rip up the side. After an hour or so of accumulating sweat beneath the plastic mask, a child could begin to suffer from oxygen starvation, on top of inhaling the chemicals needed to make the make Casper's face glow in the dark.

The only thing flimsier that the ties holding the costumes together is this ad campaign. "TV Hero" Halloween Costumes, my Aunt Fanny! When last I checked, Archie, Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Mickey Mouse, and the Tin Woodsman all originated in either comic books or movies. The only two TV heroes, if you can even call them that, are Sister Bertrille and one of the Banana Splits.

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The Flying Nun costume may have come with an authentic vow of chastity in every box, but since when does Mickey Mouse have five fingers?

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What's up, doc? Hopefully a cease and desist letter from Warner Bros. alleging copyright infringement.

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If you're stuck for a last minute Halloween get-up, here's just the thing. All you need is a pair of black reading glasses from the dollar store, and a bottle of fake blood. (A can of hairspray to replicate Rocco's rococo coiffure is optional.) Shatter the right lens, apply a few drops of Karo Syrup-blood below your eye, pop on the specs, and Ouila -- instant Moe Green!

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Spend the rest of the party asking everyone if they know where you can find a pair of cocktail waitresses. It's a guaranteed laff-getter!

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