The Canyoneers 3 p.m., Sept. 2
Never mind the Killer Elite, here's the Scorpions!
Okay, just one more and I'll lay off the snark. But the full trailer for Killer Elite just came over the wire, and I'll be dipped if they don't use the Scorpions' "Rock You Like A Hurricane" as the musical backdrop for all their tough-guy, stuff explodin' action.
The Scorpions. From their hit 1984 album Love at First Sting. Huh. Help me out, Wikipedia:
"The song, as well as its chorus ('Here I am/Rock you like a hurricane') have become ubiquitous in North American popular culture, being used in numerous shows and films, including Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Simpsons, Hope & Faith, Trailer Park Boys, Jawbreaker, Knocked Up, Little Nicky, The Cleveland Show, and Role Models. It is also frequently used in television commercials and other promos, including for Blades of Glory, The Iron Giant, Human Weapon, and Monsters vs. Aliens. It has been featured on Applebee's commercial for the sizzling steak and chicken fajitas, Nabisco's ad for Premium Crackers, and NASCAR driver Kasey Kahne dances to the song in a promotional spot for Allstate."
Yeah, that's kind of what I thought. Notice any similarities amongst those film and television uses? That's right - except for Human Weapon (?) and maybe NASCAR, they're all comedies, having a bit of fun at the expense of '80s hair metal. Killer Elite? Not so much. Killer Elite wants you to feel the rush, man.
I was all set to make fun. But then I went and watched the actual video for the song, and man oh man. Forget Killer Elite - this is a movie I want to see.
Okay, so there's this evil Red Queen, see...
And she rules over her world with the help of her seemingly evil but slightly mysterious sister.
The sister goes around doing her evil deeds with the help of her leopard...
...while the Queen prefers to enlist the aid of a completely black panther. (It's symbolism, see? The panther, being totally black, represents total evil. But the leopard is only spotted with black. That's called foreshadowing.)
Our story begins in one of the planet's terrifying prison chambers, where enemies of the Red Queen are held in suspended animation, just like in Minority Report.
But wait! One of the prisoners - call him the Wolf, for the whole dogs vs. cats imagery - is conscious, and plotting to escape!
He makes his break, only to be apprehended by...
...one of the Queen's deadly High Guards!
After a deadly struggle, Wolf escapes into the one place where the High Guards will be too frightened to follow him: the treacherous Blade Forest.
There, he encounters the powerful Bum Wizards, warming their magical hands over a magical trash can fire. They advise him that his only hope is to defeat the Queen's magic with the power of rock. "You must rock them, rock them like a hurricane," they intone. Wolf accepts, saying only, "Here I am."
But the Red Queen is not so easily defeated. After killing her High Guards for their failure, she wipes the blood from her face and vows to trap the Wolf.
It seems she will succeed. It isn't long before she has Wolf and his friends The Scorpions caged and surrounded.
Indeed, one of her Elite Troops lunges forward...
...and manages to strangle Wolf's guitarist in the middle of his solo!
But wait! The Red Queen's sister has fallen in love with Wolf, and breaks open the cage so he can flee!
After the daring escape, a grueling chase ensues.
One by one...
...The Scorpions are captured and brutally executed.
In the end, it's down to just Wolf and the Queen's sister. "What's the one place she'll never think to look for us?" says Wolf with a smile. "In the prison tubes!"
Oh, yeah, I'm in jail with a hot chick!
Film ends with The Red Queen entering the clearing and looking about in confused frustration. Where have the escapees gone?
We can't lose!
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