Don Bauder 4:30 p.m., Oct. 9
- Community Blog
- Better Communication, Better Relationships
Recover the flame
Ok. Here I go. About a couple of weeks ago I said I would start writing articles on couples’ relationships and so I asked for suggestions on what topics I should write about. One that had special emphasis was the one on what to do when passion started to drift away. When things start to get cold and the coffee is just not the same anymore.
What can we do? When we really love each other but the fire is on vacation. When the relationship has lost its momentum. When you can touch and breathe the distance and disencounter. When the affection and the caresses are but memories and routine has made itself a place in the living room, the kitchen, the bed room. When the butterflies you used to feel in your stomach each time you thought of her or him have flown away, are gone…
We forget. That is our curse. We forget the good and the bad and how we got there. And because we forget how we got there, to the things or moments we love, we stop doing it. Once we’re there, established and secure, be it marriage or a stable relationship, we get comfortable and relaxed. We don´t worry anymore about courting. What for? We’re there. We have our partner already; even more if we are married. We have the impulse to please, to impress no more. What for? I got her or him already. Flowers? What for? Going out for dinner? A nice restaurant? What for? It’s not necessary anymore. I don’t need to impress her. Fix me up? Make up? What for? Lingerie? Waxing? What for? I got him already. Watch what I eat? Stay fit? What for? Mmm…let me think….what for.
We start letting go. We only need to tolerate our laziness once. We used to eat out every weekend, now it’s every month, then each time we get the chance. Before we gave flowers each week, now each anniversary…if we remember.
A relationship is built little by little, small things. We win the love of our partner with little tinny battles, little gestures some call them, like surprising your partner with dinner or a cup of coffee. Breaking the routine and giving your partner a flower when she least expects it. Ah, the sweetness and power of surprise! A small massage “…I bet you didn’t expect it,” “…and a glass of wine??!! Wow, what has gotten into you!”
What?? That you don't know how to give a massage?? Learn!! No big deal! Your partner is not expecting an expert; just the touch of your hands caressing and relaxing his/her tired body, so willing to forget the outside world. Relax. It becomes a habit to surprise and delight. We are made out of habits with the advantage we can change them…if we are willing. What? That you don’t do all that anymore? Start doing it again! Begin a reconquest campaign. Make out of flirting with your partner a habit. Make a habit out of surprising and delighting. No immediate results? You need to be patient. Remember: it’s a reconquest. Maybe at the beginning your partner will think something funny is going on. Let her/him wonder. Soon he/she will get used to your gestures and will become reciprocal.
Remember: we can develop habits that limit us and make us mediocre or habits that empower us, help us grow, be more spontaneous and interesting, nicer to be around and more affectionate.
Go now. Go and reconquer your partner. Show off. Make your partner remember how it was she/he fell into your web.