• Almost Factual News alerts

Scheduling Snafu Sets Up Clash Between Fans of Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey

Three Hospitalized, Hundreds Treated for Scratches and High-Heel Abrasions Following Massive Brawl Outside Hall H

Comic-Con Rep: "The fanboys were never like this."

None

Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, shortly before the near-riot began.

SERIOUSLY RECONSIDERING THE ROLE OF POP-CULTURE EPICENTER, DOWNTOWN - "The tragedy of it is, all of this could have been avoided," said Comic-Con spokesman Ned Nerdlinger. "If we'd just put a little more forethought into the panel lineup... I mean, it's not like we were ever dumb enough to slap Star Wars up against Star Trek."

Nerdlinger was referring to the folly of scheduling a panel featuring the cast of Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part II immediately before a Q&A Book Signing with Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James in the Con's premiere auditorium, Hall H. The lines outside the hall are legendary among Con goers; people will sometimes wait for days to get into their chosen events, and tempers can run short under the best of conditions. "And putting fans of a movie based on a book by a cult phenom author up against fans of a book that started as fanfiction based on the book by that same cult phenom author is a long way from the best of conditions," admitted Nerdlinger. (Fifty Shades of Grey famously began life as a piece of Twilight fanfic entitled Master of the Universe, written by James under the pseudonym of Snowqueens Icedragon)

Authorities are still sorting through both the wreckage and the wildly conflicting accounts of the epic fracas, but SD on the QT has managed to obtain a smartphone video of the argument that appears to have sparked the conflagration. The combatants, here named Bella and Ana after the heroines of their preferred novels, apparently bumped into each other as the Twilight panel was emptying out.

Bella: Hey, watch it!

Ana: You watch it! Your little-girl show is over, and it's time to let big girls inside.

Bella: You're kidding, right? That disgusting [unintelligible] James took one of the great romances of all time and twisted it into a perverted power game. Edward worshiped Bella! He would never have [unintelligible] her like that!

Ana: Go tell it to your cat, you miserable [cow?] Or better yet, don't! Maybe if you ever had someone in your bed besides Sir Furry Woogums, you'd understand that romance is about more than longing looks and fairy whispers!

Bella: Oh, do you mean sex? What would you know about it? If your husband was getting the job done, maybe you wouldn't be [unintelligible] it to mommy porn! Kristen Stewart called all of you out on MTV!

[Here it is suspected the combatant is referring to Ms. Stewart's appearance on MTV's After Hours program, during which she said of the book, "I've seen people read this on airplanes, and I'm always like, 'Ew. Take that blanket off your lap, you freak!'"]

Ana: Seriously? You're going to cite the whinings of that constipated lip-biter? Maybe come talk to me when is done outselling and outearning that hack [Twilight author Stephanie] Meyer in every way possible.

Bella: Oh you did not just insult the Meyer! Without her, there wouldn't even be a James! Oh, I'm sorry - Snowqueens Icedragon! That name is so dumb, I wouldn't even give it to my cat.

Ana: That's it, [unintelligible]! Prepare to get your [unintelligible unintelligibled]!

"So you see," concluded Nerdlinger, "It really was a catfight."

  • Almost Factual News alerts

Comments

Sign in to comment

Join our
newsletter list

Enter to win $25 at Broken Yolk Cafe

Each newsletter subscription
means another chance to win!

Close