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Various Authors 11:01 a.m., April 23
Outraged, Enormous Mammals to Continue Protest at Point Loma Wastewater Treatment Plant Despite Eviction by Authorities
Translated whalesong: "They've been dumping their crap on us for too long. The system is broken, and something has to change."
REMOTE STRETCH OF SAND ALONG GATCHELL ROAD, POINT LOMA - With cries of "We are the 99% of animals that don't pump their waste into other people's ecosystems!" and "Humanity is the biggest corporation of all!" the Pacific Ocean's fin whale population today vowed to resume its vigil on this fetid patch of beach beside the Point Loma Wastewater Treatment Plant. The plant, which processes 175 million gallons of foul San Diego wastewater every day, has become, they say, a symbol for humanity's casual disregard for the more disenfranchised species on the planet. (After treatment, the wastewater, known as "effluent," is then pumped out to sea along a 4.5-mile outfall pipe.)
"Susie was just the first," says a statement from Finonymous, the undersea agit-group believed to be spearheading the movement. "Her brave sacrifice was a rallying cry to fin whales everywhere to rise up and hurl our massive carcasses onto the beach in an effort to draw attention to humanity's corruption." The statement is apparently a reference to the 67-foot fin whale that washed ashore on November 19th after hurling itself in front of an ocean-going vessel and sustaining mortal injuries.
"Don't you think it's significant that no one is saying what kind of ship killed her?" asked a fin whale familiar with the events in this story but who asked not to be identified. "That there has been no report from any ship in the past two months about running into a 67-foot whale? It's not exactly a speed bump. Something stinks, and it's not just the 'scrubbed air' from the plant."
Authorities removed the whale from the beach on November 25, sinking it at sea by weighing it down with over a ton of steel. But Finonymous promises that Susie will not be the last. "We are Finonymous," concludes the letter. "We do not forgive. We do not forget. And we weigh a lot more than you do."