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Stories by Walter Mencken

Theodore Geisel statue weeps tears of purest gold as posthumous book is published

Seuss: Estate "Maybe you can't get blood from a stone…"

On July 28, Random House published What Pet Should I Get?, a parable about the paralyzing effects of endless choice in a wealthy consumer society written by beloved children's author Theodore Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. ...

San Diego Public Utilities Officials seek to impose financial penalty on gross water-savers

Group asks Independent Rates Oversight Committee for 17% rate hike to cover costs brought on by lower usage.

FILE UNDER: ALMOST COMPLETELY FACTUAL NEWS — "If they save water, we don't sell water," said SDPU Associate Bastard Craig Greedhead. "And if we don't sell water, we don't make money. And that shit just ...

Supreme Court Justice speaks at local judicial conference

Justice Kennedy: "I love booze, guns, and porn."*

U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who penned the majority decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, the landmark decision which cleared the way for legalized same-sex marriage in the United States, recently participated in a moderated ...

San Diego Planned Parenthood addresses fetal organ controversy through updated board game

"Get 'em while they're young."

Kate Bradshaw, President of Planned Parenthood San Diego, is angry. "Everybody knows that if a woman wants to donate her kidney to someone who needs a kidney, she is free to do that. It's a ...

Annual Shame parade attracts record number of participants, but no spectators

Parade organizer: "Frankly, we'd prefer to keep it that way."

SOMETIME AFTER PRIDE, HILLCREST — There are no banners at the Shame parade. No floats. No music. No smiling politicians, eager to latch on to the general good feeling. And no spectators, save for the ...

UCSD Professor petitions APA to Remove Narcissism from DSM

Prominent UCSD Professor of Psychology Rafe Lection announced today that he is formally petitioning the American Psychological Association to remove Narcisssitc Personality Disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, or DSM. "Times ...

America's Finest Sh***y?

HBO Funnyman John Oliver calls San Diego "a solid Number Two."

On a recent episode of his popular comedic commentary program Last Week Tonight, John Oliver took time to tackle the issue of publicly financed stadiums for privately owned sports teams. Not surprisingly, San Diego was ...

Del Mar Opening Day 2015: Deep Cleavage Leads an Outstanding and Crowded Field

Del Mare?

Opening Day 2015 at the Del Mar Racetrack had it all: high-stepping pageantry, fierce competition, desperate gambles, brutal jockeying for position, and the mysterious combination of effortless grace and hard-won physical excellence that is the ...

You’ll never get a drink made from this recipe in any bar, anywhere

There will be a reckoning

Just six years ago, Reader legend Ollie laid out an Old Fashioned recipe that, stripped of its existential and romantic trappings, involved dissolving a sugar cube in a splash of water, adding two dashes of ...

RentMomsBasement.com rakes in record profits over Comic-Con 2015

Comic-Con High Council says room-renting service may provide solution to hotel-block impasse.

Comic-Con has come and gone, and the good news is, San Diego will host the popular pop-culture convention at least through 2018. But after that, the Con’s future here is unclear, thanks in part to ...

SDG&E explains new billing system

Fewer tiers, more tears

San Diego Gas & Electric recently voted to implement a new billing system, one that raised the per-kilowatt rate for the lightest consumers while lowering the rate for the highest consumers. "I know it looks ...

(Over)cast your vote

San Diego Department of Weather seeks public comment on new terms for cloud season.

“San Diego’s beaches were expecting over a million visitors for the July 4 holiday,” says San Diego Dept. of Weather chief Sunny Fair. “Thanks to the unseasonal cloud cover, we managed less than half of ...

Old Globe defends use of Victoria's Secret models in summer production of Twelfth Night

What a piece of work is (wo)man; in action, how like an Angel, in apprehension, how like a god!

"It's common knowledge that in Shakespeare's time, even the women's roles were played by men," says Old Globe artistic director Bart Delistein. "It's 2015. Frankly, we feel it's high time the ladies got a little ...

Vinyl record market collapses

A local thrift store is under investigation by the Dept. of HUD (Hipster Underground Dwellings) after suffering a second-story collapse brought on by the weight of thousands of vinyl records being stored there. No one ...

Padres manager accepts blame for team’s failings

Bud blackout

“Looking back,” said former Padres manager Bud Black at a press conference held behind an Allied Gardens liquor-store dumpster, “I can see that I made some mistakes. [New team owner AJ] Preller isn’t always super ...

Temecula doc opens up about Deputy's wound following Fallbrook taser incident

"Shockingly strong."

Sheriff Gill Bore has pointed to a nasty bite wound sustained by deputy Jeremy Banks as sufficient grounds for Banks' decision to deploy his taser while seeking to handcuff a resistant runaway Fallbrook teenager. Both ...

The Faulcon can absolutely hear the Faulconer

And the center, Chris Watt, can most certainly hold

What was expected to be a standard meeting of the San Diego City Council on Monday, June 8, took a turn for the dramatic when Mayor Faulconer made an unscheduled appearance and statement regarding his ...

Personal seat licenses explained

CSAG report outlines benefits of costly new season-ticket feature

From CSAG Stadium Report Appendix C: Personal Seat Licenses Look, it's not complicated. You want to buy a season ticket. But so does some other schnook. You buy a PSL, you get the option to ...

Famed architect unveils design for new Chargers venue

MEIS-take?

Statement from Dan Meis, FAIA, founder of MEIS Stadium Planning, Construction, and Renovation, Inc.: "San Diego is not a ponderous monument to America's industrial glory days, like Cincinatti. There, I build a stadium solid enough ...

SDSU announces plan to cover cost of proposed stadium rent hike

Higher (priced) education

The Citizens' Stadium Advisory Group report on the new Chargers stadium includes a plan to increase the San Diego State University Aztecs' rent for use of the facility from $500,000 per year to $1.25 million ...

Are you a Chargers fan?

Take this simple quiz to find out!

Question one (of one): What is your reaction to this post on the Facebook group page, "You Know You're a Chargers Fan When"? a) Beleaguered, miserable acceptance b) Blind, bloodthirsty rage c) Bleary resignation d) ...

Local instrument company fights banjo backlash with cheeky ad

Mumming Mumford & Sons

In March of 2014, Vulture.com reporter Anna Silman asked a drunken Winston Marshall if his band, Mumford & Sons, had killed the banjo. “I think 'killed' is an understatement," replied the blotto banjo-man, whose plucky ...

Chargers camp urges promises "thorough examination" of CSAG report

"Just let us savor the moment for a bit, okay?"

Statement from Chargers' head of business affairs A. G. Spanos: We are grateful to San Diego's Citizens' Stadium Advisory Group for putting in the extra effort required to get us a report by our arbitrarily ...

Chargers trade quarterback Philip Rivers' soul to New England Patriots

Phil-anthropy?

"Philip Rivers is a very good quarterback," says Chargers head coach Mike McCoy. "On some Sundays, he's almost a great quarterback. But one thing he isn't is a Super Bowl champion quarterback, let alone a ...

Trendwatch: Water mobs

Are rash of hydrant busts acts of protest, or just a way to beat mandatory water restrictions?

In a move that has South County authorities baffled and concerned, two Chula Vista water hydrants were broken over the weekend. In both cases, water-loving flash-mobs were reported to have arrived on the scene just ...

Greywater drain line proposed for Salton Sea restoration

Toilet to tap? Try sink to sea!

HOPING ALL THAT DETERGENT WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE SMELL, SALTON SEA — More and more, Imperial County farmers let their fields go fallow so they can sell their increasingly valuable water supplies to municipal ...

SD on the QT dares to ask…

Visit SD on the QT's shop in the Apple App Store and pick up AppQuakeSD for just $1.99! AppQuakeSD is loaded with features, including real-time updates for Earthquake Risk along local fault lines, a customizable ...

Leaked memo from Chargers insider: "Marcus Mariota is the future of the Chargers Choke."

Ol' Man River(s), He Jes' Keeps Throwin'…

When the San Diego Chargers started paying attention to Heisman Trophy winner and former Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota, SD on the QT started paying attention to the Chargers. The result is this excerpt from a ...

Faulconer: "You say Terrorist, and I say Tourist..."

You say potato, and I say potahto...

Statement from Mayor Faulconer's office following the arrest of Abdirahman Yasin Daud and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah on charges of conspiracy to provide material support to a designated terrorist group: I certainly understand why some members ...

SeaWorld releases 22 rescued and potty-trained pups into La Jolla Cove

Statement from SeaWorld Director of Wildlife Rehabilitation Lindsey Lyon: "When SeaWorld was called upon to rescue over 650 marine mammals from Southern California beaches this year — including over 400 sea lions, far more than ...

Former Padres GM weighs in on Preller's Performance

That's a Byrne(s)

STARTING IN ON ROUND FOUR, RARE FORM BAR JUST OUTSIDE PETCO PARK — Former San Diego Padres General Manager Josh Byrnes swears he isn't bitter about being replaced by brash upstart A.J. Preller last year. ...

Local university brokers historic corporate partnership

Coke is it?

Just two weeks after The Onion reported that the majority of the planet's uncontaminated water is contained in Coca-Cola products, SD on the QT has learned that the beverage giant has been working with genetic ...

Revenge porn site operator sentenced to 18 years in prison

Skin wasn't the sin

This week, 28-year-old Pacific Beach resident Kevin Bollaert was sentenced for crimes related to the running of his revenge porn site ugotposted.com and his complementary picture-removal service at changemyreputation.com. While ugotposted.com hosted sexually explicit photos ...

USD students rally to save Torquemada Chapel

Nobody evicts the Spanish Inquisition!

TRAPPED INSIDE AN IRON MAIDEN, UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO — Inspired by the UCSD student body's heroic defense of its Ché Café, USD students today staged a massive protest in an effort to stop the ...

Local reservation to serve as location for new San Diego football stadium

Kume-YAY!

Statement from Viejas spokesman Sam Runningback: "Thanks to certain provisions within the U.S. tax code with regard to Indian gaming, we believe we can operate the San Diego Chargers on Mr. Spanos's behalf and avoid ...

Mule manure monitor?

Documents suggest border agent convicted of placing camera in bathroom actually testing FBI protocol.

When Armando Gonzalez was arrested last week for placing a hidden camera in a Chula Vista border patrol station restroom, authorities thought they had nabbed a garden variety pervert. They certainly didn’t believe his story: ...

Che Cafe supporters stage violent uprising against UCSD campus authorities

Viva la Revolucion?

Faced with the closure of their beloved music venue and gathering space, and frustrated by the ineffectiveness of nonviolent protest, UCSD students today took up arms against their academic oppressors, turning the staid La Jolla ...

Fire bad!

Teen convicted of starting Coco's Fire sentenced to use Frankenstein ringtone for remainder of high school

Firebug's lawyer plans to appeal: "I'm pretty sure this falls under the prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. The Court has already stated that the goal here is rehabilitation for my client. But OMFG, this ...

SDPD seeks "warm fuzzies"

You gotta accentuate the positive…

Just one week after U-T San Diego caught the San Diego Police Department editing its own Wikipedia page to remove pieces of negative information — or "cold pricklies" as a leaked SDPD memo referred to ...

Chargers reach deal with city; fans rejoice

Win-win!

KISSING THE ASPHALT OF THE QUALCOMM PARKING LOT, MISSION VALLEY — In a welcome surprise development, Chargers counsel Mark Fabiani today announced that the team had finally reached a deal with the City of San ...

Going green

Area man celebrates Irish heritage all year 'round

Saint Patrick's Day has come and gone, but for at least one San Diego County man, "the wearing of the green" isn't something you do for one day a year. It's a way of life. ...

National City AMC denied liquor license after concerned parents speak out

"Think of the children!"

The National City City Council voted 3-2 last week to deny the AMC Plaza Bonita movie theater a liquor license. At a hearing before the vote, parents stressed the importance of maintaining a family-friendly atmosphere ...

SeaWorld suspends sea lion show

Rescue me!

Earlier this week, SeaWorld Chief of Amusing Animal Antics Ed Waddle announced that the park's San Diego location would be suspending its sea lion show so that trainers could focus on the species' increased need ...

Stone Brewing introduces Old Sludgebucket Ale

Get Happy Hoppy, San Diego!

LISTENING FOR THE ANGELS, ESCONDIDO: Today, Stone Brewing unveiled the latest saint in the hop heaven that is San Diego brewing: Old Sludgebucket Ale, so named for its thick, stewy texture and unique container. Yes, ...

Seuss-SNAFUS!

Mayor accidentally reads wartime propaganda of famous children's author at birthday celebration.

A 100th-Birthday Reading of Dr. Seuss by Mayor Faulconer to a group of third-grade students went horribly awry last Monday, as Mr. Faulconer found himself reading from the wrong book. Instead of a sweet and ...

Qualcomm offers $50 million to pull name from Mission Valley stadium

"Q" for "Questionable Investment"?

Statement from Qualcomm public relations director Chip Speed: "As the debate over the Chargers' future stadium intensifies, one thing becomes increasingly clear: their current stadium, the one that has borne our name since 1997, is ...

Chargers-Raiders shared stadium proposal includes "brawl cage"

Not pent up, but still penned in

Statement from Los Angeles Stadium designer Gruenwelt Schadenfreude: "Brawls seem to be an inevitable, even integral part of the Chargers-Raiders football experience. Sharing a stadium will almost certainly lead to increased levels of contact between ...

Chargers-Raiders shared-stadium plan inspires Middle East initiative

Rooting, not shooting?

Statement from Israeli soccer minister Shalom Brightside: "If the Chargers and the Raiders — whose fans' hatred of each other seem to eclipse even their love for their respective teams, the game of football, and ...

A reading from the Book of Spanos

A disaster of Biblical proportions?

Then the Almighty Dollar came to Spanos a second time: "Go to the great city of San Diego and proclaim to it the message I give you.” Spanos obeyed the word of the Dollar and ...

San Diego Opera hints at collaboration with famed comic-book character

Der Fledermausmann?

“Batman has always had an operatic quality about him,” says San Diego opera director of youth outreach Jim Kidd. “Child of privilege, parents murdered before his eyes. Goes mad, develops a terrifying alter ego, hunts ...

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