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Stories by Walter Mencken

Midwest metropolis cedes iconic status to San Diego

Cleveland blinks!

Members of the victorious 2016 Cavaliers basketball team do their best to ignore the gnawing emptiness tearing at their souls as they arrive in Cleveland following a thrilling seven-game NBA Finals against the Golden State ...

San Diego Bishop takes a moment to express his solidarity with LGBTQI community

McElroy’s Macklemore moment?

On June 19, the Global Network of Rainbow Catholics posted an online petition at change.org to express “sorrow and solidarity with the LGBTQI community in the United States” following the horrific shooting by Muslim Omar ...

Trump dismisses San Diego-based lawsuit, citing primacy of “showbiz” over “regular biz”

Are you not entertained?

FEDERAL COURTHOUSE, SAN DIEGO — “Politics is show business, people,” said Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump at this morning's press conference. “It has been ever since the Lincoln-Douglas debates, and probably before that. All this ...

Rapper Snoop Dogg defends lousy first pitch at Padres game

Calls it, “Pitching my pitching to the playa’s playing."

Rap legend Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch for the Padres June 8 home game against the Atlanta Braves, though calling it a “pitch” might be a bit generous: the ball sailed so far ...

Visiting professor complains about San Diego State mascot’s pregame ritual sacrifices

"That’s racist murderous.”

Everybody loves it when Monty the Montezuma plunges his blade into the chest of an opposing team’s mascot and extracts the sometimes-still-beating heart. Everybody, that is, except San Diego State visiting professor Sogy Sponge. Sponge ...

Local company celebrates Hillary Clinton’s selection as the first female robot presidential candidate

Brain gain

“Hillary Clinton’s selection as the Democratic candidate for President is now as certain as the replacement of humanity by robots,” says Brain Corporation Chief Communications Officer Sarah Brum. “So, in a way, it’s totally fitting ...

Chargerspeak

Wordplay unlikely to entertain true Boltlievers.

“Convadium,” crooned my partner in gadabouting Pemberton Throckmorton III, drawing out the “a” and lingering just a moment on the “m.” “Just listen to it! It’s the space of the future! What can’t you do ...

Farting clowns make big stink

Gassy group Musical Fruit demands apology and investigation following Petco Park's second National Anthem mixup in a month

“Here at the San Diego Padres,” says the team’s Executive Chairfellow Ron Fouler, "we’ve always believed in the healing power of humor. I mean, can you think of another Major League Baseball outfit that’s had ...

Police beat back angry mob from barrier wall at downtown Trump rally

Demos vs. demogogue?

“If those people wanted to come in,” says Trump supporter Guy Oldman, "they could have applied for entry passes like the rest of us. Instead, they’re showing complete disregard for the law by trying to ...

Hillary sends husband Bill as one crying out in the wilderness

“Trust me, San Diego, you don’t want to feel the Bern.”

On May 21, Bill Clinton addressed a crowd of Democrats at Bonita Vista High School in Chula Vista in preparation for the California primary election on June 7. Press was excluded from the event, but ...

Donald Trump promises, if elected, he'll send U.S. Special Forces to recover American jobs being held on foreign soil

Bring them home

Donald Trump spoke to a sellout crowd at the San Diego Convention Center yesterday, telling Republican supporters that he is the only choice for a country on the verge of disintegration. “Entropy is the law ...

Following campaign stop in Vista, Bernie Sanders hunts down and kills wild investment banker at the San Diego Safari Park

The most dangerous game

Sanders: “For too long, the investment banker has viewed himself as the apex predator: he hunts freely and consumes whatever he likes, but nothing can touch him. I’m here to serve notice that those days ...

Statue honoring local basketball great Bill Walton is taken back to workshop after numerous structural failures

Monumental breakdown

Sad news out of Ski Beach: only two weeks after its unveiling, Alessandra Black’s statue honoring local legend Bill Walton will have to be taken back to the shop. Recent signs of buckling and stress ...

SDSU President Hirshman demands resignation of students calling for his resignation

“We cannot condone a culture of bullying and intimidation. We must create a safe space to administrate.”

San Diego State University President Elliot Hirshman spoke out today against protestors who have been calling for his resignation ever since he failed to strongly condemn a series of fliers distributed on campus by the ...

City Attorney Goldsmith admits problematic desire for more “hardcore” targets

Gateway drug busts?

UNDER THE PACIFIC HIGHWAY OVERPASS, OUTSKIRTS OF LITTLE ITALY — For several years, city attorney Jan Goldsmith contented himself with standard, low-level prosecution of the city’s medical marijuana dispensaries, which exist in a kind of ...

Poway Proposition Plea: Vote Yes on F

Help repair our crumbling educational (contract) system

Since its designation as a school district in 1960, Poway Unified has built a reputation as one of the finest places to get an excellent education (contract) in the state. Besides the crucial core program ...

Key & Peele film poster uses local police sketches in place of stars

Art Imitates Art

WAITING IN LINE FOR POPCORN, AMC MISSION VALLEY 20 — Keanu, the new comedy from Comedy Central comedians Key & Peele, has already attracted attention for its whimsical marketing campaign, which inserted the film’s titular ...

Bishop McElroy addresses USD drag show controversy: “My sweet little darlings, please come home.”

Ecce Homos?

Last week, the University of San Diego, a Catholic institution, once again hosted an LGBTQ organization's annual "PRIDE Celebration of Gender Expression: Supreme Drag Superstar" show, a tawdry, sad affair that nevertheless seeks to promote ...

Bishop McElroy makes appeal on behalf of Catholic education in wake of Mar Vista High sex scandals

Mal Vista

On April 13, Edward Aaron Mendoza, a one-time assistant football coach at Imperial Beach’s Mar Vista High School, pleaded not guilty to 20 felony counts stemming from an alleged extended sexual relationship with a 13-year-old ...

Ex-mayor Bob Filner comes out in support of city attorney candidate Cabrera following anti-slut-shaming op-ed

Shameless?

On April 7, Democratic candidate for city attorney, Gil Cabrera, penned an op-ed for VoiceofSanDiego.com entitled “Slut Shaming Isn’t a Viable Legal Strategy.” He decried the tendency of lawyers to defend clients accused of sexual ...

Donald Trump appropriates scrawled slogan for border wall initiative

UCSD’s Stonewall moment?

On April 10, a series of pro-Trump messages were found scrawled in chalk on the sidewalks of UCSD, at least one of which included the slogan, “Build the wall, deport them all.” University Administration and ...

San Diego selected as trial city for online retailer’s personalized organ-delivery service

Amazon primal

Today, Amazon announced “the next step in our evolution toward becoming the most essential goods and services provider the world has ever seen. Thanks to technology we’d rather not discuss and you’d rather not know ...

Generation Y Not Bernie?

Photos surface of Democratic presidential candidate’s wooing of San Diego’s youth prior to sold-out Convention Center rally

Padres front office praises promotions department’s decision to distribute rally towels during opening series

Padre prescience

“The Padres have always prided themselves on their promotional prowess,” said General Manager AJ Preller in a postgame news conference following the team’s 15-0 drubbing at the hands of the Los Angeles Dodgers on opening ...

Padres General Manager dismisses criticisms of team’s lackluster performance

“Look, we already have a new stadium.”

Postgame Preller: “If you give a dog a bone, he’s not gonna want to go fetch now, is he? Go yell at the Chargers. We’re perfectly happy the way things are, and in the end, ...

Padres’ opening day starter takes a drubbing on the field and online

Instagr-OUCH!

A screenshot from the Instagram account of Padres starting pitcher Tyson Ross, who was chased in the sixth inning after the Dodgers scored five runs on five consecutive hits. Even teammate Matt Kemp chimed in ...

Special advertising section

Whether it’s that horrid barbarian Donald Trump, that dreadful socialist Bernie Sanders, that trollish zealot Ted Cruz, or that pantsed harpy Hillary Clinton, you won’t want to face the next four years without a good, ...

SeaWorld reveals new logo after dead whale found on Torrey Pines beach

Whale fail

“Every great civilization has been built on the backs of the exploited,” began SeaWorld spokesman Robert Orcant at the press conference revealing the theme park’s new logo, which depicts the dead juvenile gray whale that ...

Republican rabble-rouser ruins Romney’s return

Titanic Trump trounces La Jolla lightweight in first-ever use of party’s pugilistic political process

MOURNING FOR THE FUTURE OF HIS PARTY AND HIS COUNTRY, 30 FEET BELOW GROUND — “Looking back,” says Mitt Romney from within the security of the concrete bunker underneath his palatial La Jolla home, “it’s ...

Trump promises solution to “Green Tide”

Arresting avian arrivals

Donald Trump took a break from his campaign today to address an issue close to his heart: immigration. Specifically, the immigration of Mexican parrot populations to San Diego and other California cities. Speaking before a ...

Locavores put spotlight on recent trend of game bird delicacies in San Diego restaurants

Fresh foul

Pemberton Throckmorton III, food critic for the hipster bible, San Diego Farthuffer Monthly, is just wild about OB Warehouse chef Brian Kelly's latest creation, the generically named — and totally local —Greens ’n Bird. "San ...

Parrots make it so you cannot hear the Faulconer at mayoral press conference on conure killings

Squawk beats talk

Transcription of statement from Mayor Faulconer regarding the recent spate of parrocides: “The City of San Diego has long prided itself on SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAAAAAWWK, and a major component of that SQUAWK has been the ...

Rash of local wild parrot killings continues in Ocean Beach/Point Loma

Polly want a pellet?

STARING INTO THE SKY CRYING “WHY” AND THEN GETTING SHAT ON, POINT LOMA — The remorseless killer of the wild ring-faced conures that have graced the early daylight hours of Ocean Beach, Point Loma and ...

The Trump-et sounds

The Donald responds to local lawsuit as only he can

Recently, Federal Judge Gonzalo Curiel ruled that a San Diego-based class-action lawsuit against Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump’s real-estate educational program, Trump University, could move forward, raising the possibility of a presidential candidate being forced ...

Corporate craft culture

Big Coffee, Big Juice, and maybe even Big Water follow Big Beer’s invasion of San Diego’s craft scene

When MillerCoors bought Saint Archer Brewing for $35 million, fans of San Diego’s craft beer community grumbled, but consoled themselves with the thought that Saint Archer was always about the money, anyway. But when Constellation ...

SeaWorld releases images of planned interactive exhibit as it prepares to phase out orca shows

Under the sea!

In a move that seemed to contradict the tenets of both business and common sense, SeaWorld Entertainment recently promoted San Diego SeaWorld President John Reilly to oversee all of the company’s theme parks. “John has ...

Pope Francis caps visit to Mexico by smuggling himself into the United States

Pilgrimage to the Promised Land?

Throughout his reign, Pope Francis has sought to emphasize the Catholic church’s outreach to the poor and suffering of the world, and his recent visit to Mexico gave him ample opportunity to do just that. ...

Who Plays Who: Filner Takedown Edition

In Crimes and Misdemeanors, Martin Landau plays a man wrestling with guilt over his sexual misconduct and its disastrous consequences. Former Mayor Bob Filner’s sexual misconduct included wrestling women into headlocks; his confession of guilt ...

Beelzebub parts ways with San Diego televangelist Morris Cerullo

No sympathy from the devil?

“Let me make one thing clear at the outset,” says Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies and one of the Seven Princes of Hell. “I am, and always will be, a big fan of the Prosperity ...

San Diego Tourism Authority unveils $10 million national campaign on behalf of city

One last look?

For decades, says San Diego Tourism Authority director Wanda West, “Americans from every state and travelers from all over the world have chosen San Diego as a vacation destination. They come for the theme parks ...

State of the city

A look back

Last month, San Diego Mayor Kevin “Cheer Captain” Faulconer gave his annual State of the City address, which he concluded by saying, “San Diego, this is how we build our future. Let’s keep moving.” The ...

D.A. Dumanis explains decision to call in outside consultant in Nehad shooting incident

The talking head

On January 18, inewsource.org reported that "of the 155 police-involved shootings since 2005... the investigation of the fatal shooting of an unarmed man in April in San Diego’s Midway District represents the only time the ...

SDG&E announces branding partnership with Universal’s Illumination Entertainment

Attempting to “minionate” a spate of bad PR?

STILL REELING FROM THE DISCOVERY THAT MINIONS IS THE #11 ALL-TIME BIGGEST FILM WORLDWIDE, SAN ONOFRE — “It all started with that meddling busybody Darrel Issa and his namby-pamby Bill 3643,” says SDG&E Head of ...

SeaWorld’s Shamu Experience takes over vacated Qualcomm Stadium

Breeding room?

“After the Chargers left, Qualcomm was a big empty bowl,” says SeaWorld head of killer whale breeding Bee S. DeWitt. “Meanwhile, our orcas weren’t being allowed to breed because of our insufficiently large storage facilities. ...

Who Plays Who: Mission Edition

Movie actor Philip Seymour Hoffman portrayed the charismatic leader of an outlawed organization in The Master before ultimately being undone by drugs. El Chapo was the charismatic leader of an organization of drug outlaws before ...

School of Creative and Performing Arts students adapt I, Claudius for the present day

Art imitates life

Trod Boards, director of the San Diego School of Creative and Performing Arts theater program, is excited. What’s more, he’s excited to tell you why. "Robert Graves’ masterful historical novel I, Claudius, which was famously ...

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