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Stories by Walter Mencken

Happy Trumpsgiving!

Who wants some crow?

SCENE: The Mencken dining room, Thanksgiving. In attendance are host Walter Mencken, English novelist Evelyn Waugh, writer and critic H.L. Mencken, Pogo Possum, Roman emperor Claudius, writer and humorist James Thurber, writer and agitator Hunter ...

The Surreal McCoy’s final masterpiece?

The Eye is Deceitful Above All Things

Former Convadium Curator Wanker: “The loss to Miami featured four interceptions, including a pick-six with the score tied and a minute to play. Small wonder that McCoy, an artist and coach clearly in the throes ...

San Diego bishop addresses bulletin controversy

Demoncrats!

Shortly before Election Day, the bulletin at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Old Town featured a flyer that warned, “It is a mortal sin to vote Democrat,” and that souls that died in the state ...

Chargers Curator Wanker comments on The Surreal McCoy’s latest work

Soft Playcalling with Four Downs (Premonition of Thwarted Drive)

Wanker: “In a word, heartbreaking. McCoy has at long last ventured into the realm of self-portraiture here, but it’s hardly an occasion for celebration. This is the work of a man who feels he’s coming ...

Slacktivist protests police guidelines on theft prevention

Sloth-shaming?

According to the above flyer issued by the Chula Vista Police Department, “San Diego County’s top crimes are vehicle theft and vehicle burglary.” In Samantha Wilson’s estimation, that means “it’s safe to say that there’s ...

It ain't gonna legalize itself

Supporters of marijuana legalization advocate shutting down dispensaries for election day

“We got the idea from our good friends in the pornography business, actually,” says Prop 64 organizer Billy Bongwater. “Remember when all those porn sites blocked access to California IP addresses in order to raise ...

San Diego mayor takes action in wake of Chicano Park truck tragedy

The truck buck stops here

“When I first heard the news about a truck dropping into Chicano Park,” says Mayor Faulconer, "I naturally assumed it was just another campaign maneuver from the Trump camp. But when I learned that the ...

Juarez Cartel endorses Hillary Clinton for United States President

It takes a [tunnel between] village[s]

"The decision to endorse Hillary Clinton for President of the United States was not an easy one,” says Juarez Cartel head Vincente Carillo Fuentes. "Donald Trump has historically been friendly to those who share his ...

Stone Brewing releases two candidate-themed beers just in time for Election Day

Never mind Oktoberfest, here comes Novemberkrieg

"When I was President at POM Wonderful,” says newly installed Stone Brewing CEO Dominic Engels, “we got in trouble for claiming that POM Wonderful could help you cheat death by preventing heart disease and prostate ...

2016’s sexy Charger costumes have fans divided

Hall-OW-een!

Hey ladies, if you’ve been paying attention, you know that nothing’s been scarier this year than the San Diego Chargers (except maybe Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and there’s just no way to make them ...

Trump sues local Apprentice contestant, claiming intellectual property theft

Republican candidate: “Even my mistakes are huge successes.”

Mira Mesa entrepreneur April Dwyer was famously a contestant on the 2004 season of The Apprentice, the reality show hosted by current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. She made it through four episodes before getting ...

Local landmark(?) restaurant repurposed as mausoleum

Pernicano’s in perpetuity

Somewhere in the afterlife, former local businessman George Pernicano is twirling his famous mustache and chuckling. And while the 25-foot bronze angel that now sits atop his former restaurant in Hillcrest suggests heaven, both his ...

Area man gets rich on “Chargerrors” with paid emoji

Banking on failure

“From the first game, I had a bad feeling about this season,” recalls Local computer whiz/DJ D. Spare, creator of the Sad Charger emoji. “When Keenan Allen went down, I knew it was a sign ...

In stunning reversal, mayor withdraws his support for Chargers’ convadium

Faulconer goes nuts?

PRESS CONFERENCE OUTSIDE DEEZ NUTS NATURAL SNACK EMPORIUM, EAST VILLAGE — Just days after coming out in support of Measure C, the upcoming ballot initiative that would authorize the use of public funds — in ...

Chargers get creative in rehab

Cutting-edge medicine employed to placate restless crowds who say they’re fed up with losing

Charger trainer Dr. Isaac Moreau has been a busy man this season — busier than he’d like to be. Game after game has produced injury after injury, some of them season-ending. But he’s not just ...

Chargers’ Curator Wanker comments on The Surreal McCoy’s latest work for the Convadium Gallery

Chargerica

Wanker: "The original Guernica, by the Spanish artist Pablo Picasso, is generally regarded as one of the great human outcries against the horrors of war. Created in response to the bombing of a Basque country ...

The Surreal McCoy

Chargers unveil plan for dedicated gallery space in proposed convadium

For several seasons now, the San Diego art world has held its breath in anticipation, waiting to see how Chargers coach Mike McCoy would seek to differentiate his approach from the performance art antics of ...

Zoothanasia? Animal coalition applauds California’s aid-in-dying act

"Next time you're at the zoo, take a good long look at our faces."

Last Tuesday, the San Diego Zoo announced that it had made the difficult decision to euthanize Ranchipur, a 50-year-old male Asian elephant who was suffering from multiple ailments associated with old age. The news was ...

What is the most dangerous game?

Equine equivalence?

"Man, Achilles heels really seem to be our Achilles heel this season,” lamented Chargers coach Mike McCoy after losing his second player of the season, running back Brandon Oliver, to an injured Achilles tendon last ...

Thoroughbred “Trophy Wife” has to be put away after mishap at racetrack

Del Marred: critics decry traditional competition as “inhumane and retrograde"

Trophy Wife, one of the entrants expected to make a strong showing at this year’s Del Mar races, has been forced to withdraw from competition following a season-ending — and possibly worse — injury to ...

San Diego snags coveted nod from prestigious periodical

No. 4 on the charts, but No. 1 in their hearts

Citing the city’s “temperate climate, numerous underpasses, beautiful public parks, and historically generous populace,” Hobo Magazine has awarded San Diego its annual “golden shopping cart,” ranking it the number-one city in the country in which ...

Special Advertising Section: Padres rebuild is your reward!

Hurry down to Petco for Rantin’ Rod Fouler’s Baseball Bonanza!

Rantin’ Ron says, “Time is running out! We’ve already sold such popular models as Craig Kimbrel, Andrew Cashner, Melvin Upton, and Fernando Rodney, not to mention that clunker Matt Kemp! But there are still deals ...

Padres’ forlorn Fouler seeks de-tats-ment following Kemp's Instagram insult

Bottoming out?

Baseball experts were not surprised when the San Diego Padres traded Matt Kemp to the Atlanta Braves: the Braves desperately needed power, and the Padres desperately needed to escape Kemp’s enormous contract and hire some ...

Adios, Olivera: Padres render newly acquired offensive threat Designated For Assignment

Padres’ Rod Fouler: “After further review, it appears we misunderstood what was meant by ‘offensive threat.’ Also, ‘power hitter.’”

Acquired from the Atlanta Braves in exchange for Matt Kemp, third baseman Hector Olivera is finishing up an 82-game suspension following his arrest for assaulting a woman and leaving visible bruises on her body. It’s ...

Un-Kemped: Padres send sluggish slugger to Braves

Big-budget bust pens paean to anxious Atlantans

“For a long time,” says Padres executionary chairman Rod Fouler, “the word around Major League Baseball was that the San Diego Padres couldn’t pay to get someone to take Matt Kemp off their hands. Giant ...

Trump decries neighbor to north after change in National Anthem

Oh [no], Canada!

Most San Diegans know about the All Lives Matter moment before July’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game at Petco Park. Remigio Pereira, a member of the Canadian Tenors, took the opportunity to alter the lyrics ...

"Homelessness is not an American problem. It’s an un-American problem.”

No hobo

Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in town — well, Rancho Santa Fe — for a fundraiser on July 12, which happened to be the same day that the San Diego Police Department released Anthony ...

Trump explains failed attempt to build a resort in Baja

Republican Presidential Candidate: “I can, but Mexican’t”

Recently, KPBS.org ran a story documenting the complaints of investors in a never-built Baja resort that bore the Trump name and seal of approval. Besides being bitter over the way the deal went south, these ...

Trump strikes out at Rancho Santa Fe fundraiser

No-neau Riche

“I guess it’s true what they say,” lamented frustrated political neophyte Donald Trump as he waited for his Uber to pick him up from The Bridges’ main clubhouse. “Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you smart ...

Hillcrest Business Association seeks to drive undesirables out of San Diego’s gay district

Hom[eless]ophobia?

Hillcrest Business Association Bill Nickels likes to think he is a friendly, tolerant individual. But he’s also a businessman, and as such, his tolerance has its limits. “People like me — normal, decent, hardworking Americans ...

Popular TV character becomes the face of San Diego’s latest protest movement

Crazy Eyes on the prize

On the popular Netflix women-in-prison drama Orange is the New Black, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren is a troubled inmate who requires occasional visits to the psych ward. But in San Diego, she is the new ...

SDSU seeks to resolve controversy by adopting new mascot

Go go Po-Po!

Poor Monty Montezuma. For almost 30 years, the fearsome Aztec warrior and San Diego State University mascot has had to do battle not just against opposing teams, but against a steady stream of criticism regarding ...

San Diego Police break up Park at the Park homeless protest prior to All-Star game

Move along, movement

“First it was the sharp rocks along the side of the road on Imperial Avenue,” said Homeless Lives Matter spokesman Ron Vagabond from his two-person tent on Petco Park’s rolling green lawn prior to Major ...

Online release of Jerry Lewis Holocaust film spurs outcry at Legoland death camp display

The day the clown cried, “That’s Offensive!"

For decades, Jerry Lewis’s massively misconceived Holocaust drama, The Day the Clown Cried, has remained inaccessible to both the curious and the critical, a morbid mystery wrapped in an existential enigma: What were they thinking? ...

Help us rename the Marine Corps Mud Run!

SDQT Reader Poll

In mid-June, the Marine Corps revealed to the public that a previously undetected broken pipeline within Camp Pendleton had dumped more than 870,000 gallons of sewage onto the base grounds over the course of three ...

Midwest metropolis cedes iconic status to San Diego

Cleveland blinks!

Members of the victorious 2016 Cavaliers basketball team do their best to ignore the gnawing emptiness tearing at their souls as they arrive in Cleveland following a thrilling seven-game NBA Finals against the Golden State ...

San Diego Bishop takes a moment to express his solidarity with LGBTQI community

McElroy’s Macklemore moment?

On June 19, the Global Network of Rainbow Catholics posted an online petition at change.org to express “sorrow and solidarity with the LGBTQI community in the United States” following the horrific shooting by Muslim Omar ...

Trump dismisses San Diego-based lawsuit, citing primacy of “showbiz” over “regular biz”

Are you not entertained?

FEDERAL COURTHOUSE, SAN DIEGO — “Politics is show business, people,” said Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump at this morning's press conference. “It has been ever since the Lincoln-Douglas debates, and probably before that. All this ...

Rapper Snoop Dogg defends lousy first pitch at Padres game

Calls it, “Pitching my pitching to the playa’s playing."

Rap legend Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch for the Padres June 8 home game against the Atlanta Braves, though calling it a “pitch” might be a bit generous: the ball sailed so far ...

Visiting professor complains about San Diego State mascot’s pregame ritual sacrifices

"That’s racist murderous.”

Everybody loves it when Monty the Montezuma plunges his blade into the chest of an opposing team’s mascot and extracts the sometimes-still-beating heart. Everybody, that is, except San Diego State visiting professor Sogy Sponge. Sponge ...

Local company celebrates Hillary Clinton’s selection as the first female robot presidential candidate

Brain gain

“Hillary Clinton’s selection as the Democratic candidate for President is now as certain as the replacement of humanity by robots,” says Brain Corporation Chief Communications Officer Sarah Brum. “So, in a way, it’s totally fitting ...

Chargerspeak

Wordplay unlikely to entertain true Boltlievers.

“Convadium,” crooned my partner in gadabouting Pemberton Throckmorton III, drawing out the “a” and lingering just a moment on the “m.” “Just listen to it! It’s the space of the future! What can’t you do ...

Farting clowns make big stink

Gassy group Musical Fruit demands apology and investigation following Petco Park's second National Anthem mixup in a month

“Here at the San Diego Padres,” says the team’s Executive Chairfellow Ron Fouler, "we’ve always believed in the healing power of humor. I mean, can you think of another Major League Baseball outfit that’s had ...

Police beat back angry mob from barrier wall at downtown Trump rally

Demos vs. demogogue?

“If those people wanted to come in,” says Trump supporter Guy Oldman, "they could have applied for entry passes like the rest of us. Instead, they’re showing complete disregard for the law by trying to ...

Hillary sends husband Bill as one crying out in the wilderness

“Trust me, San Diego, you don’t want to feel the Bern.”

On May 21, Bill Clinton addressed a crowd of Democrats at Bonita Vista High School in Chula Vista in preparation for the California primary election on June 7. Press was excluded from the event, but ...

Donald Trump promises, if elected, he'll send U.S. Special Forces to recover American jobs being held on foreign soil

Bring them home

Donald Trump spoke to a sellout crowd at the San Diego Convention Center yesterday, telling Republican supporters that he is the only choice for a country on the verge of disintegration. “Entropy is the law ...

Following campaign stop in Vista, Bernie Sanders hunts down and kills wild investment banker at the San Diego Safari Park

The most dangerous game

Sanders: “For too long, the investment banker has viewed himself as the apex predator: he hunts freely and consumes whatever he likes, but nothing can touch him. I’m here to serve notice that those days ...

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