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Stories by Walter Mencken

Leaked memo from Chargers insider: "Marcus Mariota is the future of the Chargers Choke."

Ol' Man River(s), He Jes' Keeps Throwin'…

When the San Diego Chargers started paying attention to Heisman Trophy winner and former Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota, SD on the QT started paying attention to the Chargers. The result is this excerpt from a ...

Faulconer: "You say Terrorist, and I say Tourist..."

You say potato, and I say potahto...

Statement from Mayor Faulconer's office following the arrest of Abdirahman Yasin Daud and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah on charges of conspiracy to provide material support to a designated terrorist group: I certainly understand why some members ...

SeaWorld releases 22 rescued and potty-trained pups into La Jolla Cove

Statement from SeaWorld Director of Wildlife Rehabilitation Lindsey Lyon: "When SeaWorld was called upon to rescue over 650 marine mammals from Southern California beaches this year — including over 400 sea lions, far more than ...

Former Padres GM weighs in on Preller's Performance

That's a Byrne(s)

STARTING IN ON ROUND FOUR, RARE FORM BAR JUST OUTSIDE PETCO PARK — Former San Diego Padres General Manager Josh Byrnes swears he isn't bitter about being replaced by brash upstart A.J. Preller last year. ...

Local university brokers historic corporate partnership

Coke is it?

Just two weeks after The Onion reported that the majority of the planet's uncontaminated water is contained in Coca-Cola products, SD on the QT has learned that the beverage giant has been working with genetic ...

Revenge porn site operator sentenced to 18 years in prison

Skin wasn't the sin

This week, 28-year-old Pacific Beach resident Kevin Bollaert was sentenced for crimes related to the running of his revenge porn site ugotposted.com and his complementary picture-removal service at changemyreputation.com. While ugotposted.com hosted sexually explicit photos ...

USD students rally to save Torquemada Chapel

Nobody evicts the Spanish Inquisition!

TRAPPED INSIDE AN IRON MAIDEN, UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO — Inspired by the UCSD student body's heroic defense of its Ché Café, USD students today staged a massive protest in an effort to stop the ...

Local reservation to serve as location for new San Diego football stadium

Kume-YAY!

Statement from Viejas spokesman Sam Runningback: "Thanks to certain provisions within the U.S. tax code with regard to Indian gaming, we believe we can operate the San Diego Chargers on Mr. Spanos's behalf and avoid ...

Mule manure monitor?

Documents suggest border agent convicted of placing camera in bathroom actually testing FBI protocol.

When Armando Gonzalez was arrested last week for placing a hidden camera in a Chula Vista border patrol station restroom, authorities thought they had nabbed a garden variety pervert. They certainly didn’t believe his story: ...

Che Cafe supporters stage violent uprising against UCSD campus authorities

Viva la Revolucion?

Faced with the closure of their beloved music venue and gathering space, and frustrated by the ineffectiveness of nonviolent protest, UCSD students today took up arms against their academic oppressors, turning the staid La Jolla ...

Fire bad!

Teen convicted of starting Coco's Fire sentenced to use Frankenstein ringtone for remainder of high school

Firebug's lawyer plans to appeal: "I'm pretty sure this falls under the prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. The Court has already stated that the goal here is rehabilitation for my client. But OMFG, this ...

SDPD seeks "warm fuzzies"

You gotta accentuate the positive…

Just one week after U-T San Diego caught the San Diego Police Department editing its own Wikipedia page to remove pieces of negative information — or "cold pricklies" as a leaked SDPD memo referred to ...

Chargers reach deal with city; fans rejoice

Win-win!

KISSING THE ASPHALT OF THE QUALCOMM PARKING LOT, MISSION VALLEY — In a welcome surprise development, Chargers counsel Mark Fabiani today announced that the team had finally reached a deal with the City of San ...

Going green

Area man celebrates Irish heritage all year 'round

Saint Patrick's Day has come and gone, but for at least one San Diego County man, "the wearing of the green" isn't something you do for one day a year. It's a way of life. ...

National City AMC denied liquor license after concerned parents speak out

"Think of the children!"

The National City City Council voted 3-2 last week to deny the AMC Plaza Bonita movie theater a liquor license. At a hearing before the vote, parents stressed the importance of maintaining a family-friendly atmosphere ...

SeaWorld suspends sea lion show

Rescue me!

Earlier this week, SeaWorld Chief of Amusing Animal Antics Ed Waddle announced that the park's San Diego location would be suspending its sea lion show so that trainers could focus on the species' increased need ...

Stone Brewing introduces Old Sludgebucket Ale

Get Happy Hoppy, San Diego!

LISTENING FOR THE ANGELS, ESCONDIDO: Today, Stone Brewing unveiled the latest saint in the hop heaven that is San Diego brewing: Old Sludgebucket Ale, so named for its thick, stewy texture and unique container. Yes, ...

Seuss-SNAFUS!

Mayor accidentally reads wartime propaganda of famous children's author at birthday celebration.

A 100th-Birthday Reading of Dr. Seuss by Mayor Faulconer to a group of third-grade students went horribly awry last Monday, as Mr. Faulconer found himself reading from the wrong book. Instead of a sweet and ...

Qualcomm offers $50 million to pull name from Mission Valley stadium

"Q" for "Questionable Investment"?

Statement from Qualcomm public relations director Chip Speed: "As the debate over the Chargers' future stadium intensifies, one thing becomes increasingly clear: their current stadium, the one that has borne our name since 1997, is ...

Chargers-Raiders shared stadium proposal includes "brawl cage"

Not pent up, but still penned in

Statement from Los Angeles Stadium designer Gruenwelt Schadenfreude: "Brawls seem to be an inevitable, even integral part of the Chargers-Raiders football experience. Sharing a stadium will almost certainly lead to increased levels of contact between ...

Chargers-Raiders shared-stadium plan inspires Middle East initiative

Rooting, not shooting?

Statement from Israeli soccer minister Shalom Brightside: "If the Chargers and the Raiders — whose fans' hatred of each other seem to eclipse even their love for their respective teams, the game of football, and ...

A reading from the Book of Spanos

A disaster of Biblical proportions?

Then the Almighty Dollar came to Spanos a second time: "Go to the great city of San Diego and proclaim to it the message I give you.” Spanos obeyed the word of the Dollar and ...

San Diego Opera hints at collaboration with famed comic-book character

Der Fledermausmann?

“Batman has always had an operatic quality about him,” says San Diego opera director of youth outreach Jim Kidd. “Child of privilege, parents murdered before his eyes. Goes mad, develops a terrifying alter ego, hunts ...

Porn skin for pigskin?

Los Angeles and San Diego discuss industry exchange

As relations between San Diego and its precious Chargers continue to worsen — last week, Chargers chief counsel Mark Fabiani told the city’s Chargers task force to “get ready to get bent over a barrel” ...

Droppin' it old school

Special Advertising Section

Even as scientific modeling points toward the probability that the American southwest is entering a period of megadrought unequalled in the past 1,000 years, we are getting reports that home water usage is actually on ...

Boy Scout hike winds up at clothing-optional Black's Beach

Merit bulge?

On January 24, San Diego–based Boy Scout Troop 766 took a hike through Torrey Pines, a hike that led them directly through the region’s final remaining nude beach. Pack-master Ben Looker has been under fire ...

San Diego unveils new tourism campaign for 2015

Yesterday, Mayor Faulconer addressed the leaders of the city’s Hospitality Union and gave them a sneak peak at his plan for attracting visitors to America’s Finest City in the upcoming year. The campaign, he said, ...

General Dynamics develops new combat drone to shoot down smuggler drones

The War on Drugs escalates elevates

Statement from General Dynamics Drone Program Director Otto Pylotte: "Naturally, as the country's foremost producer of military-grade drone technology, we here at General Dynamics were horrified to learn that drones were being employed in ways ...

Local high school responds to measles outbreak

Putting the "u" in uniform

Citing a desire to "respect families' personal health-related decisions while still maintaining a safe atmosphere for our student body," San Diego's Academy of Our Lady of Peace high school announced today that it has instituted ...

Nick's neck news

Longtime Charger center retires, citing desire to spend more time with functioning body.

Confirming rumors that had circulated ever since a neck injury ended his 2014 season prematurely, longtime San Diego Charger Center Nick Hardwick announced his retirement from the NFL on February 3. During an emotional press ...

10News Reporter introduces Brown Pants Factor for animal-related reporting

The little level

Statement from 10News: Following the enormous social media success of 10News correspondent Joe Little's Tweets about our story, "Woman plunges toilet, pulls out boa constrictor," we are proud to introduce the Joe Little "Brown Pants ...

Stink-182

Sexy nurse from local band's hit album cover recalled for surgical procedure.

Pop-punk band Blink-182 scored a smash hit with their 1999 album Enema of the State, which featured porn star Janine Lindemulder on its cover, dressed as sexy nurse. It's been a few years (and a ...

SeaWorld gets a shot in the arm

"Our company's bad PR was spreading like some kind of epidemic," says SeaWorld Chief Operating Officer Gerald Quack. "There didn't seem to be anything we could do to stop it. Some people had given us ...

Faulconer's State of the City: "Look at this adorable pug!"

Last week, San Diego Chief Operating Mayor Kevin Faulconer gave his annual State of the City speech before the city's Board of Governors Council, along with its largest shareholder-developers. (In a now-traditional display of corporate ...

Playboy + Poway + Party + Pot + Police = Perfection

First Pulitzer Plus Prize awarded to 10News for "textbook example of the craft."

STATEMENT FROM THE 2015 AWARDS JURY: When you think of Pulitzer Prize-winning journalism, you think of Watergate. You think of the Pentagon Papers. You think of exposés on corporate malfeasance or war crimes or police ...

La Jolla High fights brain pain

School reassesses football program following player's concussion

On October 22 of last year, a La Jolla High football player - Vision of San Diego calls him "Blaine" - suffered a concussion after an on-field collision. What happened next has been the source ...

Local teen disappointed in Natural History Museum's King Tut exhibit

#TUTSUX

"Totes lame," says 15-year-old Kris Kendall of Serra Mesa of his experience at The Discovery of King Tut, a touring recreation of King Tut's tomb and treasures that is currently on exhibit at the San ...

Walmart takes on Target Clinics with "Self-Health" Centers

"Frankly, I don't know what the competition was thinking on this one," says Ben Applebaum, Chief Medical Officer at Walmart, Inc. "I mean, it makes sense for Target to offer in-store health-care services to its ...

New social media app blows up among teens

Authorities investigating the Instagram threat that led to last Monday's lockdown and early dismissal at Carlsbad High School say they are not yet ready to name a suspect. But they do believe they have figured ...

Whoop! There it isn't?

Vaccine activists concerned over possible backlash following bogus whooping cough vaccine.

San Diego has reported a record number of cases of whooping cough cases this year, and according to the county's public health officer, most of those cases involved people who had, in fact, been immunized ...

Searching for the cure

San Diego Alzheimer's Researcher struggles to remember where he placed notes containing breakthrough on devastating disease.

"I'm sure I had them when I came to work this morning," said Professor X (who declined to be identified). "But now I can't remember where I went after I got my coffee. Oh, man. ...

Google Ogle

SDSU's mandatory online sex manners course undone by Google AdSense

REASSESSING THE BENEFITS OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY, SAN DIEGO STATE — Following a fall semester which saw no fewer than seven SDSU students report incidences of sexual assault, the university's administration decided to take decisive action. ...

San Diego in talks to move to Los Angeles

Municipality could head north as early as 2016

"Obviously, 2014 was a disappointing year for us," said San Diego General Manager Kevin Faulconer at a press conference on Monday. "Going in, there was a lot of hope and excitement following the ouster of ...

Gynocerous?

San Diego Zoo Safarl Park caretakers turn to "horn porn" in effort to spur breeding.

GETTING READY TO FEEL THE EARTH MOVE UNDER MY FEET, ESCONDIDO — Years ago, there were three northern white rhinoceroses living here at the Safari Park: male Angalifu, and females Noti and Nola. Tragically, they ...

The Splendid Splint(er)

New Padre slugger undergoes surgery to receive Ted Williams' unfrozen lower half.

When the Padres snagged Matt Kemp from the Los Angeles Dodgers, it was the biggest deal in the team's history. But when the word leaked out that a recent medical exam had detected arthritis in ...

SeaWorld president fed to figurative, then literal sharks

Ever since the release of the 2013 documentary Blackfish, SeaWorld has been struggling to stay afloat amid accusations that it has mistreated both its killer whales and the trainers assigned to care for them, with ...

The Dzierzanowski Deviation

"In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women." — Tony Montana, Scarface It's ...

From #ALLDAY to #ALWAYS

Kanye West in talks to buy Tijuana's La Mona house

GETTING READY TO MAKE SOME EXPANSIONS TO THE PROPERTY, TIJUANA — "At first, I didn't believe it was him," says La Mona builder-owner Armando Munoz Garcia, referring to the night when Kanye West called to ...

San Diego Water Dept. readies launch of proprietary luxury water

Feeling Flushe?

"We couldn't be more excited," says Water Department head Thomas Crapper. "For years, we've been negotiating for the exclusive rights to a previously untapped water source, one with almost unlimited potential. Now that those rights ...

SDSU tops UVA in AP rape poll

When the Associated Press Collegiate Sexual Assault Standings were published earlier this week, at least one person was not surprised to see San Diego State holding steady at number one: Chad Manhand, chief sexual assault ...

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