Nonike: “When Mr. Rodriguez signed with us, he promised that if he was apprehended and deported for some reason, he would not give up until he had crossed the border again — and again, if need be. That’s the kind of drive and determination to succeed that we salute here at Adidas. Truly, an inspiration to us all.”

Two weeks ago, FOX border reporter Bill Melugin posted a video on X showing a group of immigrants slipping around the end of the border wall in Jacumba, California. The Biden Administration didn’t seem to care much about the incursion, but one of those immigrants caught the attention of someone much more important: Adidas head of marketing Alan Nonike. “What can I say?” explains Nonike, “the guy had such grace and composure as he slipped through that gap in the razor wire. So many of his compatriots were clumsy and timid by comparison. And of course, I noticed that he was wearing a pair of Adidas warm-up pants — perfect for the sort of cross-training activity in which he was partaking. Right then, I knew we had our next endorsement deal.” Nonike managed to find the immigrant, Ivan Rodriguez of Honduras, and signed him to a one-year, $15 million contract. Pictured above is the initial ad in the company’s upcoming “Keep Running” ad campaign, featuring Rodriguez in a still from Melugin’s video. “Behold, sports fans,” boasted Nonike in conclusion, “the new face of American athletic excellence.”