A terrified President Biden struggled to contain his panic as he greets “Little Amal” through the border fence outside Tijuana. “What do you mean, ‘little’?” he asked. “She’s huge! If we don’t destroy her before he reaches adulthood, our defenses will be useless!”

“Little Amal” is a 12-foot puppet of a Syrian girl who has been traveling the world in an effort to raise awareness of the plight of refugees all over the world. And her arrival at the border fence between San Diego County and Tijuana was supposed to provide a powerful photo op for President Biden, who planned to welcome her into the United States as a sign of his administration’s commitment to welcoming immigrants. “Unfortunately,” says spokesman Reggie Spindock, “the President hasn’t been sleeping well of late, and has taken to watching movies in the wee hours. You will recall that he got fired up about AI after seeing Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning: Part 1, and seeing the damage that a rogue AI might inflict. Suddenly, we were seeing Executive Orders designed to guide AI creators in both development and implementation. A tricky business. And then, right before the meeting with Little Amal, he somehow started in watching Attack on Titan, in which murderous, man-eating giants attack humanity and are kept at bay by enormous walls. It…wasn’t helpful.” Spindock went on to stress that the President’s staff would be keeping a close eye on his late-night viewing habits going forward, lest he misunderstand the satiric nature of Starship Troopers.

Biden: “We must learn from the Eldians. We must build the wall better, higher, stronger. America must not fall to the Titan threat.”