“I guess it’s true what they say,” lamented frustrated political neophyte Donald Trump as he waited for his Uber to pick him up from The Bridges’ main clubhouse. “Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you smart — or good. These people don’t understand that it’s going to take sacrifices if we’re going to make America great again. I told them they’ll have to stop hiring undocumented workers to staff their factories, to clean their houses and cook their meals, even to look after their preschool-aged children. I told them it’ll cost more in the short term, but if anyone can afford it, they can. Further, their example will be an inspiration to the lower classes of American citizens, who will have renewed access to employment once we send the illegals packing, and who will know that their economic betters stand in solidarity with them. I told them that a good populist streak was the real mark of American wealth. Just look at Bill Gates, giving away half of his vast fortune, or at Andrew Carnegie, who established our nation’s library system in order to ease his conscience after a life of exploitative capitalistic gain. Believe me, I know what it means to want to hang on to your money, and to keep the system rigged so I can stay on top. But when times change, we have to change with them. Just look at me: I was a billionaire developer and a TV star; now I’m a presidential candidate! Unfortunately, these jokers don’t even know what’s good for them, and so they’re going to be first against the wall when the Trump revolution comes."