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Christmas and professional wresting go together like Larry the Cable Guy and nothing even remotely amusing.

Somewhere Daryl F. Zanuck is vomiting blood. 20th Century Fox Home "Entertainment" and WWE "Studios" are joining forces on a long awaited sequel to Jingle All the Way, starring Larry the Cable Guy (aka Daniel Lawrence Whitney, aka The Un-thinking Man's Jim Varney).

Why is this going to direct to home video? Bring me Larry the IMAX 3D Guy!

Jingle 2 is certain to outrank its predecessor, but what are the chances of it surpassing such previous holiday hits as Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular or Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas? (Had Larry's name been more prominently featured in the credits I never would have made an early exit on the latter.)

Starring in a role originated by Arnold Schwarzenegger won't be much of a stretch for LTCG. Nor will Fox have any difficulty finding a Jake Lloyd substitute. (Why not throw Bad Grandpa's Jackson Nicoll a bone? Larry could learn a thing or two about acting from the kid.)

Who among us could possibly take the place of two late, lamented comic powerhouses, Phil Hartman and Harvey Korman? Honor the pair by writing their roles out altogether. I'd welcome a return to the big screen by Sinbad. Why not bring back the man himself to reboot those genie shoes?

Brian "Safe Distance from Oscar" Levant's spot in the director's chair will be assumed by Cable Guy loyalist Alex Zamm (Chairman of the Board, Carrot Top's sole cinematic venture to date, and another one of Larry's direct-to-remainder-bins masterworks, The Tooth Fairy 2).

Late last year, The Nashville Network announced they had optioned the rights to a new series starring "the freight train of comedy" as a bumbling gas station attendant opposite Nigeria's Ifeanyi Ubah. Plans stalled, and as of today Larry the Cabal Guy remains firmly positioned on the back burner. Ditto for a planned Broadway HD re-staging of Three Sisters with Larry the Masterpiece Theatre Guy, Ron White, and Jeff Foxworthy starring as drag versions of Tony Chekhov's titular siblings.

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Comments

dwbat Feb. 13, 2014 @ 11:23 a.m.

No worries for LTCG. He's just signed up to do an Extra Strength Right Guard deodorant commercial. But I'm sure it will be the pits!

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