• Story alerts
  • Letter to Editor
  • Pin it

Carlos has learned from his online dating experience that if a woman claims to be 40, he needs to tack on an additional five years, at least.

“Women either post outdated photos or lie about their age by 10–15 years.”

Over Labor Day weekend, Carlos set up a Sunday-night dinner date in Little Italy with a good-looking woman whose profile he viewed on Match.com.

“Her photos looked great. That night, I saw an older lady making a beeline for me. She knew who I was because I actually look like myself in my pictures. Halfway through our date, she admitted that she was five years older than she’d listed on Match.com. I think it was more like ten. That was our last date.”

Carlos finds that, in order to make an online connection, he needs to be the one to initiate things. He is the first to send a message requesting a date.

“I look at profiles and send messages to women I think I want to get to know. I rarely, if ever, hear back from them. San Diego ladies have their pick of the litter. They have to weed through the men on these dating sites. The women here have guys pawing all over them. They have more choices.”

Carlos is frustrated over the amount of work it takes to find a woman online to date.

“My view of women has become jaded. Women on these sites say things like, ‘I want someone that makes me laugh.’ I can respect that, but I am not a comedian. I shouldn’t have to be. There are women on Match that say you have to make a minimum of $150,000-plus a year in order to even contact them. I can appreciate it, if that’s what they want, but if a man makes that much money, he doesn’t need to be on Match.com to get a date.”

A few months ago, Carlos noticed that Match was advertising an event called “The Stir.”

“Basically, it was a singles’ mixer. In the advertisement, they had good-looking people smiling and having a good time. It was at House of Blues in the Gaslamp.”

Carlos thought it sounded like fun.

He arrived early at House of Blues. The place was pumping. Loud music blared from the upper level. There appeared to be a nice mix of older and younger people. Carlos told the doorwoman he was there for the Match.com event. To his disappointment, he was led to a different gathering downstairs.

“It was in a hidden corner that looked like a dungeon. I walked in and looked around. The people were losers. I was wearing nice slacks and a nice shirt. These guys were wearing cheap tennis shoes and jeans. I thought, Hell, no, I’m not staying for this. There were only a couple of girls. I left. By that point, there was a big line of people trying to get into the event. I wouldn’t date any of them.”

Due to failed dates, Carlos has nearly given up hope of meeting a nice San Diego woman online.

“It’s like high school. All the women I like aren’t interested, and the ones interested in me I wouldn’t date. People are on Match for all different types of reasons. I have coworkers that have met their wives through online dating. I am doing it to find someone to have a serious relationship with, but I don’t know if that will happen.”


Margarita and Avi finish each other’s sentences. Sometimes they talk over each other. On occasion, Margarita shushes Avi with a wave of her hand. In their La Jolla apartment, they sit side-by-side on a microfiber sectional. We keep our voices down because Milana, their 22-month-old daughter, is sleeping.

“We met on JDate [a Jewish dating site],” Margarita tells me. “I signed up for a profile because I wanted a relationship with someone of the same faith.”

“JDate is a more serious dating site, compared to some of the others,” Avi adds. “It’s not a hook-up site like Match.”

“I’m trying to remember why I responded to Avi’s initial message,” Margarita says.

“Because I am amazing,” Avi laughs.

“It’s easier for girls,” Margarita says. “You can be a minimally attractive woman and get hundreds of messages from guys trying to date you. I got a lot of messages. I think I responded to Avi because he’s a really good writer. What he wrote was eloquent and funny. He wasn’t trying too hard or being too serious. It didn’t seem like he was just trying to get laid.”

Avi and Margarita agree that the profiles on dating sites are fairly generic. For the most part, everyone says the same thing. For instance: everyone likes to take walks on the beach, go on picnics, and drink a nice glass of wine.

Margarita says, “For me to click on a guy’s profile, something had to really stand out. Everyone had the same crap. It became borderline cheesy. I’m not going to lie: the first thing I looked at was their picture. As soon as you click on them, you get a stat sheet. It’s pretty awesome, assuming they’re telling the truth. You learn if they are college-educated, a smoker, like dogs, or if they want kids. It was easy to get rid of people based on their stats. It takes all the hard work out of dating. I could come home from work, sit on my couch, and read people’s stats.”

Avi went on a handful of dates through JDate prior to meeting Margarita.

“I went out with one girl who looked cute in her pics. She had a nice-looking bikini photo, but when I met her at a bar in PB, she ended up looking like a Chargers linebacker. Another woman invited me to the University Club, had me pay for our $100 meal, and later serenaded me on a grand piano. It was awkward.”

After emailing back-and-forth through JDate, Margarita and Avi decided to meet at Altitude in the Gaslamp on a Saturday night. Avi showed up at 9:30 with a group of friends. Margarita and some of her friends were to meet them at 10:00. Margarita called and canceled, and Avi spent a chunk of his night talking to her over the phone from the club.

  • Story alerts
  • Letter to Editor
  • Pin it

More from SDReader

More from the web

Comments

MetalllianStallion Dec. 29, 2012 @ 2:05 a.m.

At least Siobhan Braun gave one single man's point of view in this article compared to her man-hater hit piece "Guys are Gross" last summer.

First of all I want to tell "Carlos" from this article that I coined the term Man Diego when I moved to this town for the first time in the late 80's. Now to sound cutting edge I will have to use my back-up 'Sausage-City'. Having lived all over the U.S. I have to agree with him 100% in his analysis of online dating in S.D. from a man's perspective.

For you old school Reader-readers you will remember the dating section (personals/no photo) that used to exist in the pre -internet age. Bad results in my experience with ladies describing themselves with the favorite line "you won't be disappointed" when asking about their looks before meeting.

Here's my tip of the day for internet dating. Get the mandatory picture from that possible someone special, holding a drivers licence under their chin for identity/age confirmation before you take it to the next level. I recently saw a USAtoday article (link below) that says " a quarter of the group's 37 million members are single". So it's not just men lying about their relationships status if only 25% of middle aged dating site members are truly single.

It's not just internet dating as any social setting you go to in downtown S.D. or the beaches, it's raining men. Apply some deductive reasoning with all the military bases in the area and other factors = a perfect 'celibacy storm' for the average single male.

The divorce rate in CA. is 75% as this state leads the the world in superficiality and materialism. As mentioned in the article, even average looking women tend to have a have over inflated opinion of their looks. Literally, I have seen 'WALMART WILDEBEESTS' (that's an original folks) strutting around a night club like they are God's gift (supply and demand). Compared to prime areas of W. LA and O.C. my math is Double the attitude, and half the looks of women locally.

My advice to Carlos if he is looking for wife material and wants to have a family is to outsource out of country. Women in Eastern Europe,Philippines ,Columbia,Mexico are a different 'species', as they have not been totally manipulated by western culture (see link below). If that is not a option, then put your match.com or POF profile in cities where you will get responses by attractive women. If you/she is willing to move, as NYC has 300,000 more single women then men. Other cities that tilt in a man's favor ratio and attitude wise are Atlanta,Dallas, and Phoenix.

Every city has it's +/- as S.D. has the weather, but I find many people here to be unfriendly and uptight as a general rule. Courteous, friendly people makes for a more pleasant existence, A well written article previously written here gave a excellent analysis on social interaction.

0

MetalllianStallion Dec. 29, 2012 @ 2:08 a.m.

Here's my personal cliche' list I assembled from my profile on a dating site.

My POF Dirty Dozen Profile Clichés/Translations

  1. Looking for my 'one' and only Soul mate = profile says divorced twice? make that soulmate-s
  2. I give great backrubs/massages = TO CATCH A POF PREDATOR ALERT!
  3. I’m tired of drama / games = Chaos attracts Chaos
  4. I live life to the fullest = As opposed to what?
  5. My friends talked me into posting this profile = you were also forced to post 12 glamour shot profile pics?
  6. I want to be with someone who's my best friend = Who wants to date their best friend?
  7. I appreciate the finer things in life = fax me your W-2 to see if we can do some business
  8. I hate cheaters and liars = Really? How strange - I love them
  9. Looking for a partner in crime = Ex-cons encouraged to apply
  10. My hobbies are fast cars and fast women = Cletus has a bus pass and gets NO women
  11. I work hard, but I play harder = underemployed: I've never seen a Profession: Unemployed
  12. Man must be 6 feet+ tall = Do you really want to limit yourself to 15% of the male population? BONUS: "Cliché of the Day" I'm not religious but I'm very spiritual = Can't you be both? Every one of my tattoos have meaning = So does a Diary with less INK and without the lifetime commitment *Can't change profile AGE = How come no one 'accidentally' posts a # OLDER than their real age? 29.39.49 & HOLDING
  13. Love to Laugh = Hate to Cry?

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/02/online-dating-aarp-singles/1735761/

http://endofmen.wordpress.com/2007/11/08/why-feminism-is-a-fraud/

0

SurfPuppy619 Dec. 30, 2012 @ 4:52 p.m.

Wow, interesting list-but very true. One left off is the "Love walks on the beach"!!! Yes, but who doesn't??? All I can say is Internet dating is for losers. People who have no personalit and don't want to put in the effort and time needed to make a connectrion. Just my opinion. But there are quality people all over this city and every other city in America. Don't have to be a pretender, just go out and be yourself and be sincere- that is what all people can relate to. When you're resorting to Internet dating yo have already lost IMO.

0

mridolf Jan. 3, 2013 @ 4:18 a.m.

Agree with a lot of what you say here. Love the Man Diego part. I've been out of the singles scene for a couple of decades now, but it's been like that since I moved here in 1975. I'll admit I'm a boomer, born right in the middle of my generation. Boomer men have always had a tough time meeting marriageable women. Statistics are against them (I could detail why, but it might be too long). I was getting discouraged dating US born ladies from my generation, especially in San Diego. I looked up census tables (before the internet) and found that in every age group, except over 70, men outnumbered women in San Diego. Between 20 and 40 the ratios were way lopsided. In fact, at that time, there was no urban area of the US which was the opposite of San Diego, with a high women/men ratio. I assume that hasn't changed. So I started to look elsewhere. I almost moved. But I found there's a whole large world of women out there without the major attitudes the ladies of my generation had/have. The internet has to make it easier to contact them now. But I have a few caveats. If you marry a foreign born lady, and her family isn't already here, you'd better plan on spending all of your vacation time taking her back home on a regular basis. You may find a good portion of your income goes toward bringing her family here. Or, as I've seen more than once (hilariously), she's going to deplete your savings account one day to go visit Mommy back in the old country, when you're out of town on business. I'm serious there, I've seen that exact situation more than once.

But I consider myself lucky. My Colombian (spelled Colombia, unless you're talking about someplace in Oregon) born esposa has seven sisters and two female cousins just like sisters. All married, most living locally. That's 10 marriages, if you count, and not ONE divorce between them. So far, anyway. You should see our family parties; it's like the United Nations, with sometimes five different languages going at once. But the whole thing is, if you're a guy in San Diego, you have to broaden your search pattern out of the country. Never a boring moment.

And ladies, if this pisses you off, you can marry a foreigner, too. Lots of foreign guys out there looking for a green card. But don't be surprised when their 'other' wife shows up after few years. Seen that more than once, too

0

BruceD361 Jan. 1, 2013 @ 10:47 p.m.

I agree with everything Carlos said. San Diego County is brutal for men on the internet dating services. The women are generally of low quality; frivilous, overweight, unattractive, shallow - they are not what you're looking for. Reading their profiles is enough to make you sick - mostly useless bimbos (sorry baby - don't care that you like to laugh, don't care that you like to have fun, that you like to travel - got any intellectual interrests??? No). You can see why they're divorced or never married. The ones that are half-way decent will get hundreds of emails, so they can be very picky which explains why it's unlikely you'll ever get a reply from any of them. I was on Match.com recently and sent out emails to 10 women I had some common ground with - none of them replied back. It's obvious if you live in San Diego you will need to expand your search range to all 50 states, because it's not going to happen for you in SD County.

0

SurfPuppy619 Jan. 1, 2013 @ 11:24 p.m.

Hey Bruce, did it ever occur to you that you can meet people, real people, in person at various places, without stoopid "dating websites"??? And you will be much more successful if you put in the effort and give it a shot. Seriously.

0

MetalllianStallion Jan. 2, 2013 @ 8:18 a.m.

SurfPuppy619, you dealt me a double edged sword, a compliment followed with a 'loser'.

" All I can say is Internet dating is for losers."

I guess you apply the term to "LOSER" to all the websites that cater to the elite(wealthy) men for match making?

Are you a pup or a pup-ette as that would change your perspective, as I guess you see yourself as a winner ,social master-carouser aka (legend in your own mind)?

Put your money where your mouth is, and tell me and Bruce where attractive middle aged men with busy lives can meet attractive women in person who don't have S.D. attitude deflector shields set on stun?. Church socials,Libraries. Supermarkets?

Do tell Super-Pup

Short answer in this town, Fantasy Land., Back to plan B, I'm driving to south O.C. for a date this weekend. Like our Economy (outsource).

0

SurfPuppy619 Jan. 3, 2013 @ 11:39 a.m.

Are you a pup or a pup-ette as that would change your perspective, as I guess you see yourself as a winner ,social master-carouser aka (legend in your own mind)?

:)

Hey, it is an opinion, relax!

0

FlatRabbit Jan. 3, 2013 @ 7:55 p.m.

This is huge! Humans are seriously mutating. I think it is fascinating that I share in a generation of notable pioneering. We maintain this crazy weird balance of history and development that, to me, is the undertone of this piece.

This generation, as children, still played outside, yet invented the technical level that we thrive in today. Computers (along with central air) brought us indoors, first content with a jumping Italian plumber and then soon to a linked WWW where this type of “romantic” interaction can even be possible. We are good at this.

She actually says: “I love it. It’s like a game”. Absolutely priceless! Genuine singles delving through pages of profiles while she Levels-Up.

Right when I want to say that there is a better way to meet someone, I realize that this is the medium we are comfortable in now. Yes, I did meet my wife the “ol’ fashion” way, but if I really examine it I can’t help but realize that it was simply a series of events that could have been triggered in any way possible. Why not an invoked action such on-line dating?

These folks still have to go through that uncomfortable (possibly even more so) first date that everyone endures. They are getting up and meeting each other and not completely satisfied with drawing the drapes and clicking their little hearts out. Sucks that there are so many dishonest people or those just hunting for sex, but you can find that age old scheme face-to-face at the night club or even the produce section.

The fact that this is commonplace is what I take away. Maybe I broke it down to deep. Stop and think it out, people are placing a few basic self-opinions on a website to be scrutinized by potential mates and then putting themselves out there to be sorted. Some results successful, some tragic. Simplistically iconic Siobhan.

Best of luck to you honest folks lookin for love in whatever way suits you. Down with you meddling wrong-doers.

1

Sign in to comment

Join our
newsletter list

Enter to win $25 at Broken Yolk Cafe

Each newsletter subscription
means another chance to win!

Close