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The note was typed and unsigned. Had it been only for himself? If so, why go to the trouble to type it? If not, why hadn’t he signed it? Or had he planned to take both our lives? But if he wanted to take both our lives, he could have done that at any time. Why go all the way out to the desert? It didn’t make sense.

There were, however, the dual insurance policies. These he’d insisted on taking out six months previously. The policies were specified nonpayable in the event of suicide, if it happened within six months of inception. When I asked why we needed insurance, after having lived together for so long without it, he’d responded that, should something happen to me, he didn’t want to have to wait for my family to take care of the arrangements.

Upon our arrival at Laguna Mountain, as I stepped out of the cabin, he immediately made a phone call — again, something he’d never done on any of our many trips before. Was he again calling his mysterious friend? Was this friend waiting in the desert to bring my husband back up to the mountain after leaving my truck, the suicide note, and me down in the desert? That would explain the nervous twitch in his hand when I declined to go. I suspected then — and still do — that this was the case.

As I drove on, leaving California, I thought about that gun pouch given to the police. There’d been extra ammo in a caliber different from the 22 I’d always known about. Where was this other gun? And why hadn’t he told me about it?

So many things were beginning to add up. Too many. I shuddered. An 18-wheeler passed, and the car swerved in the draft. I was driving too slowly now.

Was any of this proof of intent, on his part, to harm me? No, but the only real proof would have been my body, down there in the desert. That was an unacceptable option. My girlfriend said: “If it walks like a duck, and if it quacks like a duck, and if it has wings like a duck — it’s a duck!” Well, he had been walking and talking and quacking and flapping, a duck up to no good.

In the end, I had to look at it this way: If I leave, and I’m wrong, I have lost the man I have loved for ten years. If I stay, and I’m wrong, I have lost my life. Not a fun decision, but not a hard one, either.

The town of Barstow loomed before me — right turn on 40, coming up. North Carolina, here I come! I tried to cry, but couldn’t. There would be time for that later. When I got to North Carolina, there would be legal business to take care of, not the least of which was to close out that insurance policy. The last light of day — along with the last ten years of my life — was fading in the west.

I took one more look in the rearview mirror to make sure nobody was following me.
Christi Johnson

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Comments

rickeysays Sept. 30, 2009 @ 4 p.m.

This story would have been a lot more interesting if you had talked about what is up with you, that you are so scared of this guy, or so lacking in self-esteem, that you can't simply confront him and ask him what's going on? You don't have to wonder "If I leave, and I’m wrong, I have lost the man I have loved for ten years. If I stay, and I’m wrong, I have lost my life." This isn't hard to get to the bottom of. So I ask again, "what's up with you?"

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antigeekess Oct. 1, 2009 @ 9:15 a.m.

HuWHAT?!?!?

Rickeysays, you're just plain nuts. Only a moron would suggest that a woman actually cause the situation to escalate like that, as if Mr. Honesty would tell the truth when asked about it anyway. "This isn't hard to get to the bottom of." Duh.

You're a chick, aren't ya, Rickey? A chick who's been in / is in a similar situation and is in denial about it. That reaction just smacks too much of somebody's own ego defenses. In addition, females have that lovely little trait of automatically turning each other anytime men are involved.

Either that, or a dude who's been wrongly accused. I think it's the first one.

Nice story, Christi. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that it's factual, since that's not always the case with these blogs. If not, still a nice job.

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SurfPuppy619 Oct. 1, 2009 @ 12:28 p.m.

This story would have been a lot more interesting if you had talked about what is up with you, that you are so scared of this guy, or so lacking in self-esteem, that you can't simply confront him and ask him what's going on? You don't have to wonder "If I leave, and I’m wrong, I have lost the man I have loved for ten years. If I stay, and I’m wrong, I have lost my life." This isn't hard to get to the bottom of. So I ask again, "what's up with you?"

By rickeysays

For once I agree with Rickeysays-what is up with this chick????

Hey sweety-grow a backbone and ask your 10 year BF who the hell he is talking to -who the hell he is hanging out with, who the hell he is giving "guitar lessons" to.

If the guy shines you on then you need to wake up and smell the coffee............

I'm sorry, but a bunch of wild, totallyu unsupported, speculation about being murdered with NO basis for it whatsoever is just plain off the wall.

Yes, your BF was probably cheating, but the wild claim that he may have been tyring to kill you is just weird.

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Josh Board Oct. 1, 2009 @ 4 p.m.

I think her suspicion of him trying to kill her was right on. But I agree with the other posts. Once you find out one lie, you confront.

How hard would it be, for her to casually sip some lemonade on the porch, while he's talking to his friend? He'd obviously, move to another area. And she can follow. When he snaps at her (which he would), she could say "Why do you care if I overhear some of your conversation with your old friend Bob?"

She let the stuff go on way longer than it needed to. I give her credit for catching EVERY SIGN in the book...the late night excuses, the proclamations about no sex, etc etc. But for letting it go by one day after her first noticing this, was silly.

And this is why women end up with guys that kill them. It's like they just let it happen.

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Section203 Oct. 7, 2009 @ 11:19 a.m.

Something about this story just doesn't add up... Why did you run all the way to North Carolina when California was your home and you'd had this relationship for 10 years? Why did you confront him on the lies?

Why did you feel you had to leave the state when you could have just left him? Why didn't you cancel the insurance policy? There are many more logical things you could have done than just run from the state with all of these questions unanswered.

It makes me wonder if this story is even legit. In fact, there's many more unanswered questions about this story than there about your own life... Why would he take you to the desert to make it look like suicide? What would make you think that? Logically it doesn't make sense. If you were going to commit suicide you'd do it at home or near your home. Especially considering you were nursing injuries from an accident, why would you drive to the remote desert to kill yourself? Was your boyfriend that stupid? What does that say about your thought process in this? I mean where is the logic in thinking he was going to take you to the desert to kill you?

Also, was his lying behavior suddenly new after 10 years of a relationship? Or was he always a liar? Seems to me that that wouldn't just happen suddenly after 10 years.

I dunno, something's just not right about this story...

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