As my superhero alter ego, Narcoleptic Dingo, I plan to attack Washington and Wall Street.
Sure, sure, the trio of supervillains, Fedsy McMoneychanger, the Tax Reaper, and Bendover Herecomesthe-porkbarrelspending Monster will try to confuse me with their exhaustive explanations of how I’m really NOT being screwed. They’ll speak in the kitty-cat language, meowish, and tell me all about unicorn kisses changing my taxes into rainbows; meanwhile, my we’re-all-getting-the-twin-bed-limbo sense will be going off like a fire alarm. (You don’t want to know where that tingles.)
Hark! From the vice-presidential debates I hear the cry of Hayden Panettiere. “Help me, Narcoleptic Dingo! Senator Biden holds me captive. Hurry, before Sarah Palin returns with the hot sauce and Scotch tape. Oh, hurry, Narcoleptic Dingo!”
On my way, ma’am!
En route, I encounter the trio of douchebaggery, bent on stopping me.
“Look, we are in pinstriped suits and we know about finance,” Fedsy McMoneychanger growls. “We’re in charge; you just need to sit back and let us —”
POOM! That’s when I kick him, right in his gooseberries. With Fedsy bent over and turning a lovely shade of heliotrope, I resume my quest.
Out of the shadows jumps the Tax Reaper. “How much did you make last year? If it’s less than 250 skidillion dollars, you owe us...EVERYTHING. BWAHAHAHAHA — ulp!”
You guessed it. One swift heel, right in the pills.
Having witnessed my quick dispatch of his accomplices, Bendover Herecomestheporkbarrelspending Monster leaps from his hiding place in the alley, armed with the only weapon capable of stopping me.
“Wouldn’t you like a bite of this tasty bagel?”
“Fiendish devil! You know I can’t resist Jewish baked goods. But if I eat it I will fall into a heavy slumber and my efforts thus far will have been for naught!”
“Where are your pants? Never mind that. Breakfast is the most important meal of the — Oh, ho-ho!”
WHAMMO! A right boot to the Jackson Pollocks. I snatch the bagel from his clutches and tuck it into the folds of my cape for later snacking deliciousness.
“Help me, Narcoleptic Dingo!” shouts Hayden, the imprisoned damsel.
I’m on my way, Hayden. Watch out, Senator Biden. I’m not eating this bagel until your McNuggets dangle from your nostrils and Hayden’s bikini hangs from my chandelier.
And I really want to eat this bagel.
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, September 25
CBS 8:00 p.m.
Thomas Jefferson once said, “Every countryman has the right, nay, the responsibility to watch one season of Survivor and then hate it for the rest of their natural born lives.” Besides black girls, T-Jeff also loved a good reality game show. I’m not making that up; it’s in the Constitution.
My Family’s Got Guts
Nickelodeon 8:00 p.m.
My family’s got chemical dependence issues and an army of jackalopes in luchador masks. I win.
Friday, September 26
NBC 6:00 p.m.
I’m holding out for the talent and evening-gown portions of the pageant. Obama’s chainsaw juggling will top McCain’s ventriloquism, but poking out of the old fighter pilot’s sequined dress is a pair of calves you just want to slap and bite. (Ew, I even grossed myself out with that one.)
THS Investigates: Cults, Religion & Mind Control
E! 8:00 p.m.
I see we’re all in our fishnet stockings and Viking helmets, so I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Cult of Wilford Brimley’s Mustache. First order of business: Yahtzee! and mix tapes. Second order of business: jumping bicycles off the ramp. Thirdly: vodka popsicles. Any questions? Good, let’s get started.
Saturday, September 27
The Santa Strangler
MSNBC 8:00 p.m.
Back at Law and Order headquarters, a field agent takes a call, hangs up, and shouts across the room: “Looks like this is a serial case. Last week’s leprechaun in that dumpster in Queens, and just now someone reported a floater, ass up in the Hudson. It’s the Easter Bunny, folks.”
Sunday, September 28
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Comedy 5: 30 p.m.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong. It’s not often and it’s not for long, but about once per year I go: Huh. I wonder if there really is something entertaining about Garfield, NASCAR, pro wrestling, and Larry the Cable Guy. So many people enjoy those things that there must be something. Then I remember the country is filled with idiots, and I resume happily skipping along in my Little Bo Peep outfit. Wow, the rest of the country is weird.
Monday, September 29
The Cheetah Girls: One World
Disney 8:00 p.m.
Is this about strippers? God, I hope so. If there’s one thing missing from today’s programming, it’s shows about strippers. Doctors, lawyers, and cops I got coming out of my ears, but single mothers working on bail money for their boyfriend one-buck-per-taint-shot is a depth of society yet to be fully plumbed.
Tuesday, September 30
Half Their Size: The People Magazine Weight Loss Challenge
ABC 10:00 p.m.
Bandwagon Jumping: Along with Original Ideas, ABC Fresh Out of Dignity
Wednesday, October 1
Dirty Sexy Money
ABC 10:00 p.m.
Finally, a show about Republican congressmen and the desperation of cocaine addiction in Hollywood’s privileged nightlife scene. Or, wait, I might be mixing my political views with Robert Downey Jr. in Less Than Zero. No, no, I was right the first time.
Thursday, October 2
Vice Presidential Debate
CBS 7:00 p.m.
Hold steady, Hayden. Hold steady. Narcoleptic Dingo rides tonight!