George W. Bush is an American hero, and let me tell you why: because if he can make it, anyone can. All it takes is money. Look at him. That stiff Porky Pig impression every time he smells a microphone. His fake frontier gibberish (the MF’er went to Yale, and you’re telling me he can’t sit down for five minutes and memorize the pronunciation of “nuclear”; that “nu-cu-lar” garbage is as purposeful as Palin’s winks and “you betchas”). The insistence that he hold every company he ever worked for underwater until its lungs filled to capacity and its legs quit kicking.
Really, the only thing he’s shown to be really good at is drinking and watching baseball and, hell, I can’t fault him on that. That’s why I think he’s a hero, man. I want to be president. I can set ‘em up and knock ‘em down and root root root for the home team. Let’s do shots! Ain’t I qualified? (Notice the “ain’t”? It connects me with lumberjacks, crab fishermen, and strippers. Oh, strippers are huge on non-standard contractions.)
There hasn’t been a lot of Georgie in the news lately, except that his approval ratings stumbled past Nixon’s like a one-legged opera singer down a fire escape. Senators McCain and Obama have drawn the spotlights away from Georgie; although, last week, Georgie popped his head out the Rose Garden door and saw his shadow. (CNN’s calling for six more weeks of autumn.)
We’ve left the president to scurry from the oval office to the Lincoln bedroom undetected. He paws and nibbles crumbs from the carpet, and if you search for him under the tables of the kitchen, you can sometimes catch him licking his coat clean. If you shine a light on him, his eyes glow bright red. Make too much racket, though, and you’ll spook him.
I think he’s happy this way. No scrutinizing media, no meetings with people who have funny names, nothing on the calendar except “Mountain bike ride — I’m kickin’ Condi’s ass today! Woo!” And no more asking Dick if he can borrow his notes because when What’s-Her-Face was talkin’, George was drawin’ nudie girls.
Yes, we’ve almost forgotten about ol’ George II. And I think that’s a shame. I’d like to announce my candidacy for president in 2012. I’m runnin’ on the Bush doctrine of a beer in every bong and no fat chicks.
WOO! Ollie 2012!
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, October 23
Babe Winkleman’s Outdoor Secrets
VS. 7:00 a.m.
That just sounds dirty. It’s on the channel that only runs fights, bullriding, and hunting programs, so I’m guessing it’s about hunting — you know, being crouched down, hiding in bushes, and covering your clothes in deer “scent.” Oh, maybe it’s about when I went to prom.
Saturday Night Live Thursday Weekend Update
NBC 9:30 p.m.
Still waiting on some news outlet to tell me what exactly John McCain carries in his jowls. A friend of mine guessed he keeps the keys to his steam-powered horseless carriage and a note that reads, “I hate Barack Obama!” I think he stores Oreo cookies in there.
Friday, October 24
America’s Next Top Model
CW 9:00 p.m.
Since we have a new standard of acceptability in this country, I have to wonder, How does this affect Joe the Plumber? This is important stuff, and I want to get Joe’s take on it since nothing can be accomplished without his consent anymore. JOE THE PLUMBER FOR KING OF AMERICA!
The Ex List
CBS 9:00 p.m.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s in San Diego. Everyone wants to tell me all about it. Super. You want a show about an interesting San Diegan? Well, here I sit in my Shirley Temple outfit, sipping absinthe from a conch shell, and practicing amateur taxidermy.
Saturday, October 25
Wes Craven Presents: Dracula 2000
XDTV 8:00 p.m.
I have never heard a valid argument against vampirism. You gain super powers, immortality, and fangs. You lose sunburns and the innate distaste for flamboyant shirts. In exchange for everlasting life, I’m really willing to overlook the requirement for ornate sleeves.
Sunday, October 26
FAMILY 9:00 p.m.
Oh, here we go. The week before Halloween and they’re running fake scary shows. Oh no, a little blonde girl gets sucked into a TV. How terrifying. If I ran a channel, all this week would be blocked out by a marathon of The View, followed by every episode of Donahue. (EEEE! I gave myself the creeps!)
Monday, October 27
17 Kids and Counting
TLC 10:00 p.m.
See, TLC has the right idea. This is truly spooky. Oooo-OOoooh!
Tuesday, October 28
Race for the White House with David Gregory
MSNBC 10:00 p.m.
Now we’re talking. I’m so sick of this election, I say we get it over with right now. Give all the candidates a whip, a map to Washington, D.C., and a Ben-Hur chariot with those spiked wheels. Start them all in Long Beach, and the only rule is “No hair-pulling because that’s how girls fight.”
Wednesday, October 29
A&E 10:00 p.m.
Again, A&E reaches to the top shelf for the jar of dignity but only succeeds in pushing it farther away.
Thursday, October 30
Speeders Fight Back
TRU 8:30 p.m.
Somebody needs to get a pool going on which of these fly-by-night channels is going to collapse in this “economic restructuring.” You’ve got the golden goose if your square is ION or TRU and lines up neatly with “before Easter.”