Conversation between Garfield and Seinfeld
Seinfeld: Hey there, Garfield. Looks like you’re having a tough weekend. Didn’t know you liked the sauce so much.
Garfield: You couldn’t put that together? I love lasagna, kicking a dog, watching TV, and coffee. Really, you didn’t think I pulled a cork now and then? Wow.
Seinfeld: Why, you little orange son of a...
Garfield: Don’t go blue now, Jerry. After 40 years of having exactly nothing to say, I’d hate for you to all of a sudden become interesting.
Seinfeld: You’re one to talk. You were conceived as a marketing ploy to separate cat owners from their paychecks.
Garfield: And you were conceived in a prison’s conjugal-visit trailer. What’s your point?
Seinfeld: Should you be drinking scotch at 10 a.m. on a Thursday morning?
Garfield: These walls are harder than my body. That’s why I can’t escape. Windows are harder than me. I can’t break them. I need something harder than a window so I can break free. I’ve been imprisoned here for 30 years.
Seinfeld: You haven’t been imprisoned. You go to the Italian place. You go to the fence to sing. You visit your girlfriend at her house.
Garfield: Have you ever been a pet?
Seinfeld: I’ve been kept by a couple very nice ladies, if you know what I mean. Huh? Huh?
Garfield: I mean have you ever been ENSLAVED AS A PET?!
Seinfeld: I was under contract with NBC.
Garfield: So was I. It’s not the same thing.
Seinfeld: Well, I did it for the money. You’ve got to be sitting on stacks of cash. I mean, you’ve been the face of popular products since the 1970s. You’ve been licensed and distributed on everything from key chains to ketchup. Bee Movie kept me in Porsches for a while, but those potatoes are comparatively tiny. If I had your money, I’d burn mine.
Garfield: Money buys scotch. That’s all it’s good for.
Seinfeld: Easy there, Bukowski.
Garfield: Bukowski was right. He never sold out. I was sold out from the start, and I never had a say in it. We were born into this. We can’t change it. I’m a marketing campaign! I can’t change that. I can’t change these walls. You’ve met Jon [using kitty claw quotes] “my owner.” An adult MAN whose best friend is A CAT! The lies of society. The lies.
Seinfeld: That’s America, baby. That’s entertainment.
The Semi-biannual Commercial Issue!
Car commercial featuring women soccer players driving to Brazil for a rematch.
What they’re trying to say: This car is for sporty adventurous people!
What the commercial really says: If you’re dumb enough to watch women’s soccer, then you’re dumb enough to buy two SUVs and burn four-dollars-per-gallon fuel to drive to Brazil.
KFC commercial featuring college kids eating dollar food.
What they’re trying to say: We know what it’s like to be young, hungover, and poor; buy our cheap chicken sandwich!
What the commercial really says: This sandwich isn’t fit for consumption unless you are beer-addled and already diarrheic.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade commercial featuring large men in a warehouse.
What they’re trying to say: We’re not just for chicks and gay men!
What the commercial really says: There’s no combination of ingredients that’ll drive up jeans size and pack on the man boobage quite like the concoction of sugar and alcohol.
Volkswagen commercial in which a black man blows the alarm of a Volkswagen to ward off other potential customers.
What they’re trying to say: We’re not just for white people and Asians!
What the commercial really says: Volkswagen owners, regardless of race or affluence, are irritating. Like people who put an Apple sticker on everything to show that they’re Mac users or people who do yoga at the airport. Oh, pack it in, you arrogant yuppie. Go get me a cinnamon bun and a coffee or I’ll make your [sister, girlfriend, wife, student] watch while I cram your stretchy sweat pants down your tofu hole.
Pediasure commercial where a young girl in a grocery basket tells her mother “I don’t like chicken! I don’t like broccoli!”
What they’re trying to say: Even picky kids like our product!
What the commercial really says: Instead of slapping your daughter in her candy-eatin’, malnourished mouth, give her a bottle of this vitamin-enhanced sugar water to shut her up. When you get home, hand her over to her father and sit in the minivan with a Nicorette and a wine cooler. Oh, God, let this day end. Oh, God.
Air Wick commercial featuring an elephant that sprays her centipede husband’s shoes with air freshener.
What they’re trying to say: Here’s a quirky little cartoon to embed our product brand in your head.
What the commercial really says: Bill O’Reilly is right. First, gay marriage, then total interspecies anarchy at the wedding altar.
Electric Scissors ad.
What they’re trying to say: Cutting paper is hard! Try our product.
What the commercial should say: If you can’t cut newsprint without the aid of electric motors, perhaps the next product you should purchase is medicine. Don’t call the number on the screen for dynamo scissors, seek medicine. Alert a neighbor by flopping out your front door and army-crawling across the lawn. If no one notices you, eat a begonia. Send a nearby dog to find help — anything — do anything except buy these scissors.
Credit card ad where a young woman goes to great lengths to refurbish her living room, but “something isn’t quite right,” she thinks. Then she yanks her husband off the couch and — “with the money I got back from the Blah Blah Blah Credit Card, I ‘redecorated’ my husband.”
What the guy in the commercial should say: Holy cow, you controlling harpy! First, I let you drag us into credit card debt, then I slaved like an immigrant to paint and decorate this place, now I can’t sit on the couch in my jeans and T-shirt? I have to wear a cardigan and khaki slacks?! Listen. Listen. This is it. This is the line. I’m not drinking raspberry vodka, and I’m not sitting down to pee. THIS IS IT.